The St. Louis Snow

I am so glad I am with a big-dick energy kind of man. A type of partner who can trust me enough with criticism. Honest opinion first and foremost. The care and consideration of another person is astounding but trusting me enough with a blowback of a mature ego ... A thiccccc fucking skin to tell it like it is, without a reflection of easily hurt anguish. It is a sigh of relief.   An authentic person who can be absolutely blunt with me. I work with many many people, all different temperaments and we are on the presipice of opening another location. Everyone's nerves are shot.  My bosses are at their wits end. But they are good people. And resourceful in a crisis. Admireable at how patient one has to stay... Composed where others are at and stressed about opening. I am so proud of this team. I feel like I'm a background character at a renfaire... Yet, still adding to the scenery.  I am proud of Peace, and all my other coworkers! We did it. I am so proud to be part of t...

B got fired two weeks ago. It was some he-said/she-said bullshit and we were never told the exact phrase he used to get let go... The boss did the firing. There was zero investigation.  I think it was handled poorly. Idt the Complainer likes straight men. And didn't understand that he was goofing.  Two less invites to worry about for our wedding day...  . I do believe there's an aire of...white-man-priveldge? It's like a specific arrogance that I've only found in white men. The way they walk around like they can go and do everything... Say whatever. They're just joking... People don't correct them, because they are white men. I am a woman, and queer. I am a minority. Idt white men try to bend to another whim all that often because the world was literally built for them... Or as they thought...  Red once yelled out his car window, yelling at someone a compliment, but still yelling, "WOW! What a beautiful garden!" ....it was kind of embarrassing. But he ...

It's strangely hilarious to me that my Papa John's app messages me more than my own father. I understand The Doctor is Fictional... But I guess, so is the idea of my dad. Lol...  I'm not friends with him, not because I don't love him. I love him on a natural level... But he has never made me his priority. He never protected nor defended me. He could never protect me. His personality type was never going to be a good example to covet or chase in my dating life. One's parents are supposed to be your example of a love interest later in life.  I never received that. How was I supposed to know how to conduct myself if the programming was absent? There was a lot of magical thinking of a concept of osmosis knowledge. Things that parents THINK their kids are learning, and then there's what they actually learned.  For example, what my BIL is expecting their kids to know and absorb isn't what they're learning. They are learning that if you yell at loved one in ang...

...as I review my day, like everyday, I like to recount what I liked and/or what I was grateful for.  I am grateful for someone to have in my corner. I am thankful he had his life go the way it did... Even with the woes... I have seen glimpses of his internal torments because I, too, share the same scars. I wear them like badges of honor. I show them off. He says I make him brave... while I tell him that he makes me feel safe. He calms my mind when it quakes. When my hands flintch, he offers his arm for stems. He is a good man and I'm forever grateful that we have found one another. I am grateful for my life, and my woes. I am grateful that even though we may never have a planned child, if we had an Oops, they would be so loved (we are very much not pregnant).  ... I have already asked Coworker and Peace to be in our wedding party, recently... If only B would propose already! I am very impatient. There's part of me who wants to just skip the BS bit of waiting, and get to the m...

May 23rd, 6am Going to have breakfast with my father this morning. Thanks to my therapist, I have walls built and a set of words I can use when I'm flabbergasted at the things he feels comfortable to say outside of his mind... I don't want to nervously laugh. I don't want to fawn over him and his stories... He now centers every perspective around the importance of marriage... Like somehow unmarried people were unclean ...*are*.… unclean. Like he's relieved that I'm finally ready to progress my life.  I'm so angry at my dad for having the audacity of not being a better masculine energy in my life, especially when I needed him most...  He was taught to serve his spouse no matter what. She wants to feel superior and in control? Sure, let her yell incessantly at your children. That'll model for who they are supposed to be in a relationship: a bully. And will be why they hate themselves when they yell... I would have never yelled at a child for any reason other t...

Mother's Day 💐: As I lay here tangled in the appendages of my loved one... I thank the universe everyday for sending me him. I thank Goddess🐢Wendy, for sending me him. B's mama did an amazing job of raising such a kind, intelligent, and gentle man. I sent her some chocolates and the exact gratitude she was owed...  ... This is my first mother's day with B. I've yet to really establish a good routine to celebrate. I always request it off from work. They always oblige. ... I have struggled in the past with connecting with people or being clearly seen by a counterpart. With mutual respect and the knowledge that he is also as emotionally intelligent as I am, he is at the same serious level of life. And he wants to propel us forward. I want to progress forward with one best friend... Build towards a purpose and creative projects...  He understands that neither of us is a perfect human being but we are perfectly patient with each other which is, apparently, bare minimum.......

Peace is transitioning. I look forward to the day he lets me know he feels fully himself. I knew them before, but now B first met them as a transman, afab he/him. And he gets to experience him as a him... It takes my brain awhile to process such a change, but it is more a ... Long-coming identity, and not a switch kind of change.  Like me coming out as queer, I was the last to know... Lol. My manager at the time (now coworker) had said he knew I was queer the moment he met me. ...what gave that away? Probably my bright ass hot pink curls and my space dress... But who can really know?  I have struggled with identity and who I am in the world, most of my life. I have been assumed or mistaken for trans before, and I take it as a profound compliment. To go against such a rigid grain of silly society standards and the stupidity of such a limited dichotomy...  A profound and unjustified judgement of how a human SHOULD live, let alone be perceived... For one to identify as somet...

B had a car accident today, around 11am. He had just dropped me off at work. He is ok. I was worried about him all day. Not in a noticeable way. My emotions didn't get me... I didn't cry.  I had told my coworkers matter-of-factly and their reactions were heartfelt. Peace, ofc, offered to cover any of shifts, without hesitation. But B is still training, so he doesn't have regular shifts yet. Manager was lenient, in that he said B can take as long as he needs to recover...  But money will be TIGHT. Glad we are just doing one con this year, although I still think we need to attend one day of Momo con for him to dry run a crazy crowd together... Best to understand one another.  The car itself is totalled. I'm going to stay at my place for a few days so prices for Uber aren't ridiculous. $25+ isn't sustainable for me in the short or long-term..... ... We are unsure about the next legal actions we will be taking, but I'll be there for him every step. There's a...

Today was the annual meeting at my company. Almost everyone was there in attendance. It was so much fun seeing the growth of this company! B and I just finished the documentary that my bosses were in...  Tonight, B and I will make dinner. We'll eat it in front of that Biopic about DW and I'm so excited! We had a picnic after the meeting and had a great conversation about nothing and everything. It was a splendid day. A few pictures of the nice moment we made with each other on making goingintoworkworthgettingupearlyonadayoff kinda day.  I had thought a long time about how I wanted to always do this... A free date. Doesn't really cost anything, except time and patience. And now I have both, because I can share myself, even so prickly, at times, ....and he still gets my back, because now that's his default.  He had said once, his current goal in life is to make me happy. Lol He's so wonderful. I'm very lucky to have him in my corner.  Now he's in the grocery s...

As an autistic, who is self-aware, I often wonder if others are also self-aware.... What makes someone unaware? ... B is in the grocery store right now and I'm in the parking lot. I've stood most of my day, so I'm happily sitting, awaiting his return.  It's fun matching people to their cars... It's fun seeing glimpses into their lives: A woman in an all black business suit and stilettos gets out of her red leather interior red, black Mercedes, with a cloth tote bag in hand. She got the tote out of her backpack briefcase. Environmentalist badass boss.  A man, maybe late 30s, leaves the store with a 4 year old, mid-tantrum. The kid, not the man... He calmly puts the yelling child into the backseat of a white crossover that had just arrived a moment before. And then he himself opens the passenger front seat. The car stays there about 2 minutes and then drives off...  A young man got into a small pickup truck with a math-problem-worth of oranges in those mesh sacks. The...

I'm working through a lot of issues I have with my dad. I don't understand how someone so educated in history and in writing, sides himself along Skidmarks and his fellow GOP-fellas.  I think he's tinted all his stories and all his ideas through the Catholic Church, and the ridiculous importance of being married... I think he thinks the church is the end all, be all, of existence. I think he thinks I'll come around, eventually. I think he thinks I'll finally find my place if I'd only join a church... That the church is the only viable avenue of prosperity... The only way one can be successful...  ... There's a Robin Williams movie, Man of the Year... It has Robin's character liken politicians to NASCAR drivers... In that, the politicians wore what companies and ideas they represented. This concept really stuck with me. ...I have a jacket I like to wear in the colder months with a bunch of patches and art and pins that represent the things I am into... My...

I think there's a difference between blindly following an idea and arrogance. For the first to be true, wouldn't one have to understand the opposition? Wouldn't it be fair, if one understood their enemy's perspective? To think I am equal to my enemy, as in the same regards of having the right to live freely ... Not thinking of myself as more than, or more important of someone who has less than me. I've never understood the lack of humility my father possess whilst professing that he's a good representation of a Christian man ...  He's charming and sauve, yes. And he's nice when he is in pursuit of something... But he isn't kind. He's generous with money, which is why I don't like to tell him I need it. I get that I'm super lucky, and that if I was in dire need, I'd probably ask him for funds... But I already know that money is from a place that Gertrude doesn't know of ...... It would track. He people-pleases to keep the peace... ...

Watching DW with B... It's the God Complex... Funny how it's about a monster, and not the author themselves. White men are never at fault! But they are also not the default type of life. Anyone who worships their woman is a good friend of mine.  My partner has a lack of ego, not an inflated sense of self. My therapist pointed out today that my father still thinks of himself as the hero ... He voted for trump. He voted for the authorization of this Punk Ass government of a United States to be overthrown by the horse meat of public school lunches, Trump. What a fucking laugh of a wasted existence... He is and was an awful man, and whoever supports him in anyway doesn't get my respect. Period.  For realsie, my dad had thought Jamie Lanaster was the hero in GoT's first episode!!.. Like ... He thinks of himself as the hero! But, the moment he told me that he voted for that vile man.... I lost all respect for him. Every ounce. I stopped living some life my Dad had planned out...