Separation

It's strangely hilarious to me that my Papa John's app messages me more than my own father.

I understand The Doctor is Fictional... But I guess, so is the idea of my dad. Lol... 

I'm not friends with him, not because I don't love him. I love him on a natural level... But he has never made me his priority. He never protected nor defended me. He could never protect me. His personality type was never going to be a good example to covet or chase in my dating life. One's parents are supposed to be your example of a love interest later in life. 

I never received that.

How was I supposed to know how to conduct myself if the programming was absent? There was a lot of magical thinking of a concept of osmosis knowledge. Things that parents THINK their kids are learning, and then there's what they actually learned. 

For example, what my BIL is expecting their kids to know and absorb isn't what they're learning. They are learning that if you yell at loved one in anger, then all is well. One must expect your spouse to yell at you like you're an idiot... Because that's how my nibbling's parents "speak" to one another. 

Divorce isn't on the table because marriage is end all, be all. Being married is highly valued in the society I was brought up in. I was engrained that my purpose as a woman was to marry and raise as many children as my husband wants... And to do whatever he says. And he makes all the financial decisions. 

Lol...

There's a real disconnect on what my father thinks of as a good leader, and who I think is a good leader. 

I have two bosses. They are a hetero married couple. The woman is AMAZING. They are both amazing people, but even though the product is pretty niche, they are two high integrity people. They value their employees above all else. They are the examples I like to follow on how to be a mature adult. 

I still feel like I fail sometimes, but I think that's natural.

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The Doctor is a representation of true love of oneself? Or maybe he's an example of the adult one wishes was in the room when one's parents were yelling? The adult you wished into existence for an escape? ...a way out?

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And you don't understand why they're yelling... ... Kids are in their own worlds ... Being yelled at, suddenly, will stop their thoughts, but will also repeatedly shock them, raising their cortisol levels, and damage their brain. I have brain damage because of all my parents. 

My mothers were screamers when they were upset, to the point of making me cry and tremble. I know I have brain damage because of them, but I am still brilliant. No one came to my rescue when they were upset. No one stood between me and them and said, "don't talk to my kids like that." ...in retrospect, I wish someone had... B understands. 

Dads are supposed to protect and defend... Not all do; some cause the brain damage. Mine did by his inactions to defend. And he's never seen that as an error to apologize for. 

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Anyone will stop when they are being yelled at... Doesn't mean that kid understands why. One cannot osmosis knowledge... One does have to spell it out for them... Kids aren't idiots in that they're stupid... They are ignorant of how MATURE adults speak to one another. There's a difference.

Mature adults soothe themselves when they are upset. Mature adults do not yell or are condescending or sarcastic! They seek knowledge and support from peers. 

BIL and Sister don't do this. She is repeating history, but she was also reassured that this was the best possible future for her. This was the only option for a happy life.... Talk about fake news...

I have a front row seat to their lives, and no bloody thank you. Absolutely none of me would ever approach a dude like BIL, back in the day. A man who has never pleased a woman outside of his own mother isn't a type for me ... And I'm not even referring to a physical intimacy thing.... 

Gross. He's not my type at all. Gross 🤢. Gross 🤢. Gross 🤢. He reminds me of my father sometimes, and I can never tell Sister that... Because 1. She already realized that, but is trapped... And 2. If I brought it up to her, she would never be able to unsee it. Or unhear it...

BIL isn't a mature human adult. When he's emotional, he lashes out to his kids. He's condescending and sarcastic, like he's trying to be funny? But I don't find him that way. I think he's an emotional putz who regrets marrying my sister. He loves his kids, but he refuses to learn about his own emotions to connect with them in the long run. 

When they are adults and are dating, they will latch onto the first person who shows them an ounce of respect and affection... They will hold onto the good times, even if they're treated like shit in their personal lives. What's important in this family is church attendance and following the fadçade of wool over one's own eyes. Image and the appearance of keeping up with the Jones, down the street, is the most important. 

BIL and Sister need a secular counselor. Someone who can tell him the importance of understanding one's own emotions will help one understand their partner's. Compassion, empathy, patience....and maybe a quick rundown of child psych 101 and autism, but... Now I'm having wishful thinking. Lol

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I don't really believe in "finding a soulmate" in the traditional sense. Idt one just picks up a husband somewhere... I believe in the importance of finding a friend first, and then a partner who mutually seeks to understand you, as you them. Someone who respects you. 

This is the person who will help you bury your parents. This is the person who will care for you if you fall ill. Did you choose wisely? 

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The Doctor is the guardian against church and state. The Doctor is hope in humanity. He is the escape from reality one needs to cope and process. The Doctor is the protector of humanity. 

The Church has its grimey claws in my Democracy and I hate it. The Doctor is respected in the future, by the militarized Church... But I've noticed that they are never also UNIT... 

Do we even see the future of Unit? ...it's been awhile since I rewatched every episode because I loathe Clara. Upon a rewatch, I'd always skip over these years... Stupid Clara; The Grand Manipulator; The Liar and Cheater... The one to escape realty instead of coping with the loss of the man she never deserved because she was a LIAR... 

Her actions never lined up with her words. Pink was a plasay character, whatever. But she undid her own timeline, bc of her relationship... Ugh. 

...we are flawed humans, I understand that. But if you, as an adult human, cannot apologize to your loved ones and change yourself for them to feel safer... Or to compromise. Or to seek understanding and patience in them and yourself. ... Don't be with that person. 

Some people fear being single. 

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I am not a perfect human. But I have empathy for those who differ. We keep dollars in the car for the unhoused. I love that. I love it because even if I knew where they were spending it... I know they are still on the streets. I want people to have shelter, and basic human rights. It's weird whenever people of faith condemn those with less. Very strange. 

What if Jesus came back already, but the WASPs already deported him? Lol. 

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Doctor Who is an escape, sure. But he's a good source of positive, masculine energy, for now... It's been lovely rewatching it with B. I've loved every minute of it and I love joking about it and discussing it. I love that B is a good example of positive masculinity... And I'm looking forward to the day he asks me for my hand in marriage. 

...

Snow.