Glimmer

Don't try to define yourself by the sins you think others hold against you. 

The things people don't talk about. The level of emotional intelligence of my loved ones, through a screen or on the phone, or in person, I feel like everyone gets a different version of me... Except for B. Lol he can't get enough of me... And it is so awesome! I don't have to be anyone but myself and he never gets upset or irrational towards me and never encrouages me to be anything other than me... It's.... Refreshing? A relief on my heart. I don't feel like there's a debt building within him. He sees me as I see him. 

Since my diagnosis in 2023, I've been way more open with people who are also themselves. Everyone at work, at The Company, is pretty emotionally-stable. Those who don't have high integrity usually don't make it a year... I can just tell, this will be my 4th holiday season. 

...

[I know her outside of The Company, but I gave her the opportunity to interview with us and she got the job. She was my coworker for under a year but she is always welcomed back. She's wonderful as a human, but she was an excellent co worker]

....Peace isn't doing too well atm. However, she is on the mend. I am only a little sad she isn't coming back to The Company this holiday season.... But she is still here, and I am forever thankful. I see a lot of myself in her, and in the early 20s, people will come face to face of their own, inside character. How they treat others is really a good indication for how they will treat you... Not everyone is made of good stuff, and it's up to them to better themselves... But it's also good to surround yourself with other safe people... That are good for the soul... Not just what resource they being to your life... 

The unsafe mutual people Peace and I knew ... They either are defined by who they are to others, or they can define themselves, and still be a valued person. Not everyone we had in common was a good person, but I am glad we are to each other and that she is getting better. 

...

I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea... I should really be a Slothkitty right now. I'm trying to explain myself to the internet abyss... But I can only set rules for myself and how I operate out there in the world... I cannot dictate what others do or think... But I can conduct myself respectfully ... To be a safe space for others is what I strive for.

When in doubt, I reflect others ... But sometimes coworkers break the rules and I'm unsure what to say to correct someone I haven't vibed with.... I'd like to assert myself more, but am unsure the correct words to say in the proper tone. I wish there was a manager program or a how-to-be-a-better-leader... Without sounding like a bitch... There are good people who are bad employees and I'm unsure how to navigate that issue... But anyway...

Peace is an excellent person, not because of who she is to others, but who she is on the inside. I see the flickers of kintsugi within her, the same of me... She reflects my own kindness and respect pretty clearly. She accepts me fully and can almost interpret me, and I her..., well, hopefully mutually... We see each other with clarity... Very close to how B and I see each other... Only, ...as beautiful as Peace is, I don't have a crush on her like I do B... Even though we are in love with each other, even though I can feel safe in calling him out on his bullshit if he had any... Don't worry, he enjoys my sass. But Peace is one of my favorites on this blue rock and I'm glad she is on the mend. 

She reminds me of myself sometimes... I can only imagine if I had had a fairy god Aunt when I was her age! Lol... 

And I can assure her that she is doing GREAT in today's society... You might feel crazy, but you're not. The snake of late-stage capitalism is eating its own tail... Society is imploding... Good. Let's start over;

My bet is on the Racoons and the Octopi... They start two different thriving societies, one by land and the other by sea... ... In the living standards of today, and the expectations of them groups vs us groups "WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE..." *wags one index finger* kinda nonsense. 

....

You can exploit yourself for money, but no one else. Be the controversy, tell stories of your life openly, make the Reic--I mean, right people angry that you still exist, not a lot of people can speak up for themselves. I want to embarrass my father by telling on him. I want him to beg me for mercy... He hasn't asked for my forgiveness... He isn't smart or humble ... 

Be the person others can aspire to become more like. Be the rare statistic. After my 2023 coming outs, I really started to identify myself more specifically, it would just get more fictitious... 

At least, that's what my background sounds like... I had had a principal named Dr. Powers. ...he looked more like a human porky pig with a monk hairstyle and brass glasses, insurance agent attire. ....not a sleek bond villain, as the name would suggest...

...

The level of brilliance in other writers is bananas to me. How others think and can explain their perspectives and emotions tangibly can be deafening. ...I am redundant, and blunt... But I'm trying to explain it to myself first, and see if I wouldn't mind telling the rest of the world. I'd love to introduce myself to the world stage ... but at the same time, never trust the Internet. Lol. I'll never read the comments... That's what friends are for, honestly... 

...

My father has been texting and calling... And trying to get a hold of me. He votes for Trump. They're all cowards. Every single conservative. No matter how strong-minded they are nowadays. Or self proclaimed, better than, Roman Catholic believers. "I miss pope Benedict" fan club... They live in some fantasy world where red pilled white young men are promised a yellow brick dream of subservient women... Lol. 

I had thought we were all taught at a very young age to not trust certain men for emotional protection... And then... Freudianly, we are supposed to marry our dads... That concept always grossed me out. The fact that B doesn't remind me of my father's lack of integrity is a very good thing. I love that B sees me for me and calms me pretty easily than adds to it... Or tries to control me or manipulate me... He respects me... Never had that, before... He truly believes I'm brilliant.

I had learned very early that my father wasn't going to protect me, or my sister, emotionally. He could never meet those needs because he never learned to regulate himself... Our feels were too much and he always seemed blind sided whenever we were having them. 

I am very blunt now. I don't beat around the bush and I like to say what I mean. I see myself as the main character of my life, only because I've had only me to emotionally count on for the last three decades, it seems. 

Finally... After so fucking long of searching... I really wasn't looking for anything serious when I began my crush on B... I'm still flabbergasted he exists... Like, be a good, kind person. Gently ask the universe for what you want in a partner... Deposit karma coins regularly. Tip well. Be a safe space for others. Treat everyone with the same respect you have for yourself... Be a good team member in life and at work. Apologize if you've lashed out, wrongly .. Learn to be a good person who can collab well, with others, despite their age, sexuality, ability, skin tone, and gender... 

The moment of realizing my father has different intentions was a few times, sure. But recently, the last time he was in town, it was that busy intersection... There's a lot of panhandlers and maybe some unhoused, begging for food and money... I recall thinking I was very thankful for the person sitting next to me (my dad was giving me a ride home from getting dinner out somewhere while he was in town... He had just finished his monologue of how important it was to have a community like the Catholic Church... And he almost got me, too!...) ... I recall thinking how grateful I was to be more fortunate because my parents would do anything for me to not be a begger or the unhoused. Not everyone has a rich parents to fall back on... 

Did you know that 80% of autistic adults don't have full time jobs? I'm a rarity... A lot of street urchins, I would assume, have a lot of mental illnesses or other life struggles I know nothing about... Mostly because I am a middle age white woman middle class raised with rich parents. WTF do I have to complain about? Lol I cannot keep up with navigating emails and a computer set lifestyle without some major changes to routines... 

Anyway... We're sitting there at the light, and after hearing all about my father's special interest, and thinking my grateful thoughts of my own personal achievements... My father says aloud, outside of his narrow thinking, he goes "look at those pathetic people." 

Ugh. *Vomit*!! ... My stomach drops. I am godsmacked. Did he just... Did he really just have the audacity to go on some meaningless monologue about the importance of the church and then with complete disdain of those less fortunate, he says that... About them. About people he has never known or shared the struggle in, or understood anything about people who differ? The utter lack of compassion wasn't a good look for his insistence of participating in The Church. Obviously, I do not want to ever have that level of lacking empathy for those less fortunate. It was so disgusting.

My father isn't kind to strangers. He likes to play the "is it a he or a she?" game. Always gave me the ick and I didn't understand why until much later in life. Gender is an abstract notion of individual aesthetics or personal expression. It isn't society's right to define. Gender isn't a cookie cutter.... It's a bakery.

He wants to show off his cleverness and be the best boy in the room and throw around his reputation or baubles of good stories to show off ... He loves boasting and telling stories about himself ...I can recall a few and tell them with my own perspective, now that I've lived almost half my life... 

I can tell you from now nearing my 40s... I can tell you that once you hit 30, it's ok; chill out. Just snip out your eggs or sperm and just live life the best way you want to... The best way you can.... If you want kids, adopt; there's enough babies out in the world... Really prove your Christianity to me, the skeptic of others' humilities... I should know... I might be gullible sometimes, but I know the differences between actual kindness to fake niceness to manipulate 

And do not use an app. Please locate local, private social workers... They usually know who is most in need. It's a long process. But it is better to build that life WITH someone else. 

Who do I want in my life? Gal pals in STL, B, Peace, FIPTAIPTers, some local Nerds and former theater/band kids, The Company coworkers and Founders, Sister (et all), and probably Snug? I'm not a big drinker and I only want B for a lifetime lifestyle customized monogamous, physical relationship... But I feel akin to Snug, but I don't have her life, either, could be stronger. But I always feel guilty not initiating contact. I always mean to, but forget... She kinda reminds me of SisterS in STL and my mother... Altho, I doubt I'll see her frustrated or upset... She seems a lot more chill than either. But like Peace, I only want Sisterhood. Nothing more. I make my intentions pretty clear in the beginning. But they are not related to me by blood, but they both feel like kindred-spirits.

B is the only romantic partner I want, physically ... For my own pleasure and build a priority life with him. We talk of marriage often ... We are talking about wedding things and I've never been more sure of the right move... He doesn't scare me or make me feel unsafe, both emotionally or physically.  There's absolutely no pressure to procreate. Just enjoy each other's company? Yes, please.

He sees me for me, and until recently, I didn't know that was possible to find it in another human being. 

...

I wish I was more physical at home, but it's so incredibly cold everywnee but my room. Red had bought me a remote control heater forever ago and it's come in clutch. There's basically no where to sun bathe here... No secure porch or outside venue...  but a sunny day in a lazy morning with no rush into work... Sit and laze around crafting on my bed... I've been too used-to-it... I wish I had another whole room just to exist creatively... I want a studio, separate to sleeping, like a big walk in closet. 

During the pandemic, someone rearranged their apartment... They made their "bedroom" into a walk-in closet/bathroom/ watch TV place and put their bed out in the "living room" with the balcony... Holy shit yes please. I would die!!! I would love that!!! But with B? Idk... 

I want a large porch, but maybe a sunroom to sun bathe in... I want hard wood floors bc it's easier to clean. And I want a studio... At least two bedrooms, split costs accordingly, but I could still afford it, probably, but with another human who would also love to be with me, physically, as long as we gave together, for each other. Meal prep together. Cook together. Talk. Tell stories. Go grocery shopping. Do bits. Write. Cherish. Take care of one another sounds like a good life. Maybe get a dog... 

I want to be with others who see me shine and finally encourage me the way I want to be. Really let my creativity shine... The way I love is to show kindness. The way I see it, time is finite for us on this earth... We should only spend time with the people who see us and value us for our time. 

I figure, if I am to work most of my life, that I should put a lot of effort into a company that I feel appreciated at ... And even though I don't pull a lot of strings, I am completely comfortable being just another gear helping things move through. I represent the company by making the product in bulk, efficiently. Stock is running more smoothly this year, and I am loving the flow and freedom. And I love that I am keeping up. It's crunch time over the next few weeks and I'm here for it.

Do I get paid well? Eh. I don't want a golden toilet... But I also don't want to hang around those who value making a lot more money... They're usually not as...kind or emotionally intelligent to bring up issues and problem solve. Or as selfless and compassionate... 

Those who have felt othered a lot, and still go out of their way to include... Damn. What a rare human. And they all seem to work at The Company; I am very lucky I have no nightmare coworkers currently. Just good people who don't give a shit.... 

I am so lucky to have found someone who sees the crackle bits in me and see them as I can see Peace's Kintsugi gleam... The reflections of the shards within flicker back a familiar sparkle. We see beauty in one another I didn't think was possible in a romantic partner. No one else had been able to make me feel like I am enough. I am equal to them. I don't feel like I'm settling or just looking at his potential. I like him as is... I love him as is. He makes me laugh and it's been close to 4 months, and I still have a little crush on him... Isn't that healthy?

...

My father is a coward. He could never defend us against either of his wives' crusades of guilt and emotional manipulations... The sudden, raised voices. The stern looks of unexplained disappointment and hurt... The unspoken snears of resentment buildup... Just because they yelled, didn't mean I learned anything, directly. All those "lessons" they thought they were teaching me wasn't so instilled... I paid more attention to whatever was going on in my head. Being called back to reality through screaming doesn't mean I would absorb anything they were saying long-term. A lot was going on all the time... I was moving between houses every single month... Every two weeks, I was straddling the line between growing up with a single mom and growing up with a rich dad and his bitchy wife and his perfect offspring. ...third time's the charm for him... 

...

I can only be direct. The questions I wish I could ask my dad are never the doubts I have in B... I have witnessed Sister in various states of familiar cPTSD that I have also felt over the years... But I have healed and learned how to navigate those feelings for myself... And to reflect instead of project. Stay curious about your partner and seek understanding in order to protect... 

I am not married to a first born asshole who has the audacity to be a cranky bitch, eating buttered noodles and not worshiping his wife... A good man is to worship his woman... Not do whatever she says. And not demand compliance, either...No... Compromise, sure... But seek to understand the other person!... Not do battle or give in... Like, your partner is supposed to be your equal in respect. They are supposed to encourage and be your cheerleader... Not just your provider or money bags... Or dead weight ..... 

How much B can read me without having to talk is... ahhh, a relief! And the trust he has in me, to speak for him is just... *Chef's kiss* perfection. I really like that I have his trust... I am forever loyal... That's a high honor with another human. To possess their trust? Wow... High Calibur.

..

I like to lazily lay around. I like to work out, sure, sweat and shower yeah ... But I love to sun bathe, laze around the home (on either cushioned non-human or hubby area), sporadically clean, and do crafting...

I will not be spoken to with a raised voice or to weaponize incompetence.

Al from Home Improvement was HOT ... He was competent. Never understood why that bit was funny... Sometimes, it takes me a second to understand B might be pulling my leg on a concept... But he has never made me feel less than or stupid or small. He had never called me frumpy or a ditz... 

He waters me well and can keep up, his shine illuminates mine, naturally. Never a man like him has existed in my life until now. 

I can imagine him reacting the same way as adult-me came to the conclusion about healing the inner child:

If those times I was experiencing trauma in youth, being yelled at all the time to stop whatever I was doing in the moment, creating the cracks that gleam within so bright now....... Being blown-up at by the "adult" in the room.... It never mattered whether or not Dad was in the room. He never, not once, stood in between us--his kids, his 42 totaled chromosomes ... his offspring. He never--not once--stood in between a yelling woman, and us... He never defended us. He never gave us the script to utilize to speak up for ourselves... My guess now is that he never learned them himself... He cannot explain the world to me anymore... We differ in how we define morality... That's a line for me. 

If I was him, the first yell I'd put myself in the way of the loud voice and I'd say sternly, "DO NOT SPEAK TO MY CHILDREN LIKE THAT." ...but he never could say that. He could never rock the boat of his marriage. He does whatever that looney bin woman says... I don't want their marriage. Naz*s are my line... Unfortunately that's not bare minimum in the states anymore. They get painted in a grey light, and I just don't understand... Why are we tolerable towards such intolerable peoples?

I never learned courage from my dad like we are supposed to... They are supposed to show us the example of man we, as women, should strive to be with... But since understanding situations better as an adult, reflecting on my past... Smart, emotionally intelligent people can say sorry. Brave people can ask for forgiveness. And they can ask for help. Courageous people make sure they have coins or small bills to give out to those in need.... 

...

On the off chance that person has a cellphone... Good. How else are they supposed to function and have a job? 

My father used to tell this story like, his first few years of his time, living in Atlanta, he called it the pedestrian tax. As a generic white man, he'd get approached by beggers a lot probably because he was such a red-pilled mark... But he'd judge them on having a cell phone like it's a luxury item now... It is a miniature computer containing all of one's life... How much harder is it in our "booming" society to operate WITHOUT a cellphone? Why is the unhoused viewed as unworthy to possess a cell phone? How else are they to contact resources or in contact with loved ones? EVERYTHING is a fucking app now... 

His ego is enormously romantic of the fantasy world he occupies. He's the one who wanted a big wedding... For his second time around... Grandiose...

Gretchen just wanted a pant suit and stride down the aisle... It was my father who wanted the big pomp and circumstance. 

I've been planning a wedding for the last 15 years. Themes and styles have changed, but visually, it would always be outside, evening, low sun, not too hot, not many mosquitoes, nice breeze, chill vibes, and always something blue... Different tones and hints and touches... But my visions now definitely fit both me and him... We manifested/wished for each other. I never expected to find such a sexy Dudley Doright Golden retriever... Who could keep up with me, but can take charge when I want him to... Googlymoogly, I'm pretty sure I found the last good man. 

He kinda reminds me of the speachProf influencer, but more like Cyrzor, too ... But he looks like a generic redpill podcaster.... But he's NOT. I was poly for a very short time, but maybe I was just being a bit boy-crazy, temporarily? Anyway... I realised what aesthetics I found so pleasing... Bald, bearded, tall, hairy all over, strong hip flexors, and is ambidextrous in phalanges... 

Internally, he is abdubtantly kind and dubious. He reminds me of the partners of certain coworkers in the best ways... But ... B is mine to hold and be with ... Which is type the nesting partner I have been wanting forever. The only one I want to be physical with. I wanted to be allowed to be as obsessed with someone as he is of me ... It is hard to be my own priority day-to-day... But he cares for me so openly... it blows me away how lucky I am to find someone as open minded as I am, as open hearted...... But I have been so ingrained with the concepts of taking care of others was easier... I want to live with one other person forever, and share my complete self with... Unsure if kids will ever fall into my equation with B... But I just want to enjoy him, as is, for the time we have on this big ass floating rock...

B is very attentive and follows directions very well. We've yet to have a full on argument, but I think we are on a good track of direct communication and stating what we mean to one another... Like out loud mutual admiration of our respective directness... Word affirmations, check. Quality time, check. Physical touch, check, Gifts and acts of service, check annnnnnd check... Or is that another "the bar is in hell" basic need that's finally being met after all these years? 

I love seeing younger people posting their partners being more open for bids of connections... If you're wanting to see change, become the change. 

I can recognize if a person has high integrity in their personal relationships... I don't know my friends in their professional relationships... But I'd understand them to understand boundaries, egos, and how to work Google, at least. Lol. As a chill person, I want to trust those around me. I want to believe in the good of humans because I am naturally good. I am a safe place for others that are different or similar to me.... 

I only like to spend time with others who are equally high in integrity, respect, unconditional love, and acceptance. I only want to spend time with others that see me, and that I can see clearly, too. Other emotionally safe people are all usually beautiful, and can see others in the eye. 

Some people are not used to a person who looks like me, look them in the eye. I am a good, safe person. I wear my soul on the outside and love to decorate my own body with a cosplay of my emotions... I trust others to be astounded. I trust others like me. It is less exhausting if you just assume everyone likes you... Until you meet others who don't... And then there's that's a separate navigation... But I recall comparing myself constantly to others and that was exhausting trying to keep up with what I was "supposed to be doing" according to my age group? Compared to some standard of white man privilege... 

I once saw a post that read, "if a mediocre white man wouldn't hesitate, you can do it." 

First chair rows at cons after people with disabilities are open to everyone. I will always try to get the best seats when I am excited in consuming information. I love seminars and lectures. I love late night science panels and love writing and taking notes. Cons are overwhelming in the best ways. And I LOVED Saturday because I got to hang out with my friends! Our*friends* :3 we should really get a room one year, B... And both find a room together INSIDE the con at a hotel. 

Ok... I think I made sense. 

Unsure what relationship I want with my father these days. He is small and I'm disappointed in him as a human and as a man ... He doesn't embody what I believe to be a healthy grasp on masculinity... I am heavily attracted to my bf because he is... Not only big and burly, but his words match his actions. He doesn't say his feelings like a fucking press release... He doesn't summarize what I'm feeling and make me feel smaller or invalidated. He is the opposite of my dad and I am very thankful of that... 

...

I am a rape survivor. I don't mind talking about it if asked. Even out of the blue... My father could never discuss that with me. He never wanted to know and is maybe ashamed of me? But I was always unsure why there's so much shame on the victims from "polite society"....???? Like ... Why would someone think that? Lol... Some father I had. He votes trump. He voted for a pedophile... A human who forced himself on another human... He voted for that. He decided to support a vile human and still expects me to share my time with him? 

When I almost died whilst giving birth...ya know what that person I refer to as dad, did? He sent me flowers. Sure, I was in there for only 3 days why would he have the funds or time to come see me right away? A rich dead beat ... I pulled through, though... Right? Why would I have expected to show up for me, however late? His belief was enough? Lol. I guess he would've showed up if he had to plan a funeral. 

I don't want to be buried. I want my remains to be set into a pretty shiny clay jewelry piece(s) and my nibblings/family can wear me around, cause that would be metal AF. 

...

Snow.