Steps

I can't always be aware of everything going on in the world. The tantrum tyrant who's last name rhymes with rump.... He's got a few months to live. I still don't understand how he rose to such power... I don't understand how smart people voted in such a joke? I don't understand how he maintains followers and sheep. They're all a bunch of incel red pill dorks... 

A year or so ago, Elon Musk had live streamed himself playing Diablo 4, and sucking really bad... Apparently, he had paid some kid in China to beef up and collect all the goodies for his character and then he thought he could just slip in and play like a god? Lol. I'm not a gamer AT ALL, but even I know that would never work. I think they think the world is their stage and they're just performing in it? Life isn't a sitcom where villains just get played out or fade to black. 

There's a finality to life that brings you to the present whether you want it or not. And I don't think either Skidmark or elon has had that sort of realization... All their minions are just suckling pigs at their teets of fame and fortune. What ugliness. I don't understand how people I share DNA with, voted for such ugliness. I don't understand how this country has it in their heads to vote for their own interests and not their fellow man. If everyone is getting their basic needs met, then all is good with the world... And yet, somewhere in the lead-soaked brains, they vote like that ... They vote for the ugliness....

I wish we had at least one or three other parties to choose from. I wish our educational system wasn't turning into franchises instead of district or government-run... Although, I'm not sure if that's better, anyway. 

...

B and I are at a point where we want to live together. 

I remember when Crickets "asked" me to move in... He never asked me ... He had stated "I think we are ready to move in together." ...looking back, I'm sure he was just tired of living with an irresponsible coke head... I had responded with a tentative yes, but had stated, "I need to be watered, still. I still want to be dated." 

And so, we sat across my lovely dining room table, in my quaint white and black checkerboard kitchen, with my custom black countertops... And we lied to each other about promises of a future together. 

...it was out of convenience. Not love and planning and building upon a life together... Little rituals of considering the other makes me feel like a queen! But then reality sets in, and I really don't want convenient again. I want planning. I want matched intents of a shared future...

I want a life with B. I want to sleep next to him, rely on him for warmth and love and spoons. I want to create and share and collaborate. I want to share myself with the world and I do want to perform on stage... But probably not in an improv way. Lol. Too much chaos for me ... But stand up is something I could do. 

The thing I've noticed about stand up is there is usually a lot of alcohol, and a lot of sad men. I would want B there for a reliable way home to him. Do my set, and leave. But then, there's a bunch of comics that all know each other and know how to network. All the women I see go up are alright, but they're also dressed in plain clothes... 

Alok Vaid-Menon is an icon, so much so, they're usually just ALOK. They are so peaceful... And fashionable. Do they worry about what to wear to a gig? Did they start in stand up too? 

I just feel like I have a lot to say about this weird sick world through beautiful words and clothes. Apparently I wouldn't be the first. But I'd be of the many queer activitists who defy normalcy through my authentic aesthetic... Which is what my public spoons are these days. 

I look forward to coming home to a warm notion of everything else being taken-care-of... I look forward to living with one other person who can take care of me as I do him. I want the mundane moments laced with respect and dashes of magic.

...

I'm taking burlesque as a course out of a local theater... It has been some very relaxing, and yet, energetic sessions. Our instructor is very kind and accepting... The group is diverse and on the quiet side. During introductions, I had stated that I am autistic and will be swaying constantly... It really helps me to concentrate... Keep focus. I've moved my body in ways that I've only moved it with B, but I had clothes on. Lol. It's almost freeing. And that's just in class. 

Our first week homework assignment was to listen to a podcast or watch a documentary or read an article about the history of burlesque... I listened to a podcast, "Sex and Psychology, with Dr. Justin Lehmiller" ...very soothing voice. His 225th episode was on the brief history of burlesque... Where I learned of Lydia, one of the "grandmothers" of modern burlesque. I learned a lot in that episode, but the tidbit I shared with the class was ... During an American tour, Lydia and her posse beat a journalist with a horse whip (riding crop) who wrote slander about their performance. Badassery. 

I'm not sure if I'm going to make burlesque into a lucrative career, but I do like pushing myself into spaces of acceptance and being safe to be more myself. More at peace being just me. 

I don't think people have that mentality. I think a lot of people worry about themselves too much, when we should be connecting with others... But that's how I like to conduct myself. I am the only one in control of me... I am the only one who can conduct her life the way I want/can. 

My spoons at the end of my work days are less than. I usually have enough spoons to get a bowl of cereal and that's dinner. 

Whenever I'm with B for more than 24 hours, I eat really well and healthy. We have veggies to nom on ... Fruit sometimes. And he brings me powerberries upon requests ;) he's a very good man. 

I am looking forward to showing him off at one con and volunteering with him at Dragoncon! It's going to be so much fun!! 

It's all a spectrum, but I find it very interesting that I'm energetic around certain chaos ... Like the overstimulation energizes my capacity to navigate the nerds? Idk ... And I stay sober the entire time. I understand people get sloshed during those times, but not me. Hydrate hydrate hydrate. 

I also love knowing a lot of the nooks and crannies of where to hide if I get overwhelmed in a bad way. I kept to the Marriot bc that's where the headquarters were ... But I really loved doing the radios... I'll probably sign up for that again. 

Also, I'm pretty. Wouldn't they want to check out radios from someone so pretty who can look you in the eye? Respect of nerds. 

Nerd love. 

...

Ok, it's 6am. I awoke at 4 and couldn't get back to Zzzz until I wrote out some thoughts. 

I know spoons are important. My job takes a lot out of me but I absolutely adore working there and my gratitude reflects well. ...

...

Snow.