The St. Louis Snow

I think it's pretty narrow-minded of someone to assume their life is the one blueprint everyone tries to follow.  My life is "out of order" ... Not the 404 not found/doesn't work concept... But the dance steps I was taught, was the common coretrot: school wedding kids death. School wedding kids death. School wedding kids death... Not the best plan for a genius...  Women are allowed to not have kids and still be happy and content. And strong. Just because we have the equipment doesn't mean we have to populate the species. Believe me, there are enough people here... We need to invest in the infrastructure and education of our populace. Of the people trying to scrape by and not drown in quid pro quo... It has always surprised me that the Republican Right dictates all life is precious, but then mocks those less fortunate... Or with single mothers. Or never puts their money where their mouth is... They spout that they're holier than most, but then evict those in ne...

I am so glad I am with a big-dick energy kind of man. A type of partner who can trust me enough with criticism. Honest opinion first and foremost. The care and consideration of another person is astounding but trusting me enough with a blowback of a mature ego ... A thiccccc fucking skin to tell it like it is, without a reflection of easily hurt anguish. It is a sigh of relief.   An authentic person who can be absolutely blunt with me. I work with many many people, all different temperaments and we are on the presipice of opening another location. Everyone's nerves are shot.  My bosses are at their wits end. But they are good people. And resourceful in a crisis. Admireable at how patient one has to stay... Composed where others are at and stressed about opening. I am so proud of this team. I feel like I'm a background character at a renfaire... Yet, still adding to the scenery.  I am proud of Peace, and all my other coworkers! We did it. I am so proud to be part of t...

B got fired two weeks ago. It was some he-said/she-said bullshit and we were never told the exact phrase he used to get let go... The boss did the firing. There was zero investigation.  I think it was handled poorly. Idt the Complainer likes straight men. And didn't understand that he was goofing.  Two less invites to worry about for our wedding day...  . I do believe there's an aire of...white-man-priveldge? It's like a specific arrogance that I've only found in white men. The way they walk around like they can go and do everything... Say whatever. They're just joking... People don't correct them, because they are white men. I am a woman, and queer. I am a minority. Idt white men try to bend to another whim all that often because the world was literally built for them... Or as they thought...  Red once yelled out his car window, yelling at someone a compliment, but still yelling, "WOW! What a beautiful garden!" ....it was kind of embarrassing. But he ...

It's strangely hilarious to me that my Papa John's app messages me more than my own father. I understand The Doctor is Fictional... But I guess, so is the idea of my dad. Lol...  I'm not friends with him, not because I don't love him. I love him on a natural level... But he has never made me his priority. He never protected nor defended me. He could never protect me. His personality type was never going to be a good example to covet or chase in my dating life. One's parents are supposed to be your example of a love interest later in life.  I never received that. How was I supposed to know how to conduct myself if the programming was absent? There was a lot of magical thinking of a concept of osmosis knowledge. Things that parents THINK their kids are learning, and then there's what they actually learned.  For example, what my BIL is expecting their kids to know and absorb isn't what they're learning. They are learning that if you yell at loved one in ang...

...as I review my day, like everyday, I like to recount what I liked and/or what I was grateful for.  I am grateful for someone to have in my corner. I am thankful he had his life go the way it did... Even with the woes... I have seen glimpses of his internal torments because I, too, share the same scars. I wear them like badges of honor. I show them off. He says I make him brave... while I tell him that he makes me feel safe. He calms my mind when it quakes. When my hands flintch, he offers his arm for stems. He is a good man and I'm forever grateful that we have found one another. I am grateful for my life, and my woes. I am grateful that even though we may never have a planned child, if we had an Oops, they would be so loved (we are very much not pregnant).  ... I have already asked Coworker and Peace to be in our wedding party, recently... If only B would propose already! I am very impatient. There's part of me who wants to just skip the BS bit of waiting, and get to the m...

May 23rd, 6am Going to have breakfast with my father this morning. Thanks to my therapist, I have walls built and a set of words I can use when I'm flabbergasted at the things he feels comfortable to say outside of his mind... I don't want to nervously laugh. I don't want to fawn over him and his stories... He now centers every perspective around the importance of marriage... Like somehow unmarried people were unclean ...*are*.… unclean. Like he's relieved that I'm finally ready to progress my life.  I'm so angry at my dad for having the audacity of not being a better masculine energy in my life, especially when I needed him most...  He was taught to serve his spouse no matter what. She wants to feel superior and in control? Sure, let her yell incessantly at your children. That'll model for who they are supposed to be in a relationship: a bully. And will be why they hate themselves when they yell... I would have never yelled at a child for any reason other t...