The St. Louis Snow

It's strangely hilarious to me that my Papa John's app messages me more than my own father. I understand The Doctor is Fictional... But I guess, so is the idea of my dad. Lol...  I'm not friends with him, not because I don't love him. I love him on a natural level... But he has never made me his priority. He never protected nor defended me. He could never protect me. His personality type was never going to be a good example to covet or chase in my dating life. One's parents are supposed to be your example of a love interest later in life.  I never received that. How was I supposed to know how to conduct myself if the programming was absent? There was a lot of magical thinking of a concept of osmosis knowledge. Things that parents THINK their kids are learning, and then there's what they actually learned.  For example, what my BIL is expecting their kids to know and absorb isn't what they're learning. They are learning that if you yell at loved one in ang...

...as I review my day, like everyday, I like to recount what I liked and/or what I was grateful for.  I am grateful for someone to have in my corner. I am thankful he had his life go the way it did... Even with the woes... I have seen glimpses of his internal torments because I, too, share the same scars. I wear them like badges of honor. I show them off. He says I make him brave... while I tell him that he makes me feel safe. He calms my mind when it quakes. When my hands flintch, he offers his arm for stems. He is a good man and I'm forever grateful that we have found one another. I am grateful for my life, and my woes. I am grateful that even though we may never have a planned child, if we had an Oops, they would be so loved (we are very much not pregnant).  ... I have already asked Coworker and Peace to be in our wedding party, recently... If only B would propose already! I am very impatient. There's part of me who wants to just skip the BS bit of waiting, and get to the m...

May 23rd, 6am Going to have breakfast with my father this morning. Thanks to my therapist, I have walls built and a set of words I can use when I'm flabbergasted at the things he feels comfortable to say outside of his mind... I don't want to nervously laugh. I don't want to fawn over him and his stories... He now centers every perspective around the importance of marriage... Like somehow unmarried people were unclean ...*are*.… unclean. Like he's relieved that I'm finally ready to progress my life.  I'm so angry at my dad for having the audacity of not being a better masculine energy in my life, especially when I needed him most...  He was taught to serve his spouse no matter what. She wants to feel superior and in control? Sure, let her yell incessantly at your children. That'll model for who they are supposed to be in a relationship: a bully. And will be why they hate themselves when they yell... I would have never yelled at a child for any reason other t...

Mother's Day 💐: As I lay here tangled in the appendages of my loved one... I thank the universe everyday for sending me him. I thank Goddess🐢Wendy, for sending me him. B's mama did an amazing job of raising such a kind, intelligent, and gentle man. I sent her some chocolates and the exact gratitude she was owed...  ... This is my first mother's day with B. I've yet to really establish a good routine to celebrate. I always request it off from work. They always oblige. ... I have struggled in the past with connecting with people or being clearly seen by a counterpart. With mutual respect and the knowledge that he is also as emotionally intelligent as I am, he is at the same serious level of life. And he wants to propel us forward. I want to progress forward with one best friend... Build towards a purpose and creative projects...  He understands that neither of us is a perfect human being but we are perfectly patient with each other which is, apparently, bare minimum.......

Peace is transitioning. I look forward to the day he lets me know he feels fully himself. I knew them before, but now B first met them as a transman, afab he/him. And he gets to experience him as a him... It takes my brain awhile to process such a change, but it is more a ... Long-coming identity, and not a switch kind of change.  Like me coming out as queer, I was the last to know... Lol. My manager at the time (now coworker) had said he knew I was queer the moment he met me. ...what gave that away? Probably my bright ass hot pink curls and my space dress... But who can really know?  I have struggled with identity and who I am in the world, most of my life. I have been assumed or mistaken for trans before, and I take it as a profound compliment. To go against such a rigid grain of silly society standards and the stupidity of such a limited dichotomy...  A profound and unjustified judgement of how a human SHOULD live, let alone be perceived... For one to identify as somet...

B had a car accident today, around 11am. He had just dropped me off at work. He is ok. I was worried about him all day. Not in a noticeable way. My emotions didn't get me... I didn't cry.  I had told my coworkers matter-of-factly and their reactions were heartfelt. Peace, ofc, offered to cover any of shifts, without hesitation. But B is still training, so he doesn't have regular shifts yet. Manager was lenient, in that he said B can take as long as he needs to recover...  But money will be TIGHT. Glad we are just doing one con this year, although I still think we need to attend one day of Momo con for him to dry run a crazy crowd together... Best to understand one another.  The car itself is totalled. I'm going to stay at my place for a few days so prices for Uber aren't ridiculous. $25+ isn't sustainable for me in the short or long-term..... ... We are unsure about the next legal actions we will be taking, but I'll be there for him every step. There's a...