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Seventeen

10.29.26: Idk why I'm out, after work. I had gotten made up and taken myself out on a date. I'm ok being alone. I know B was trying to get to me to help me celebrate...  We need our own tradition for this day.. . I wanted to celebrate? Celebrate a person I don't know? They are a young person... I hope young people know I'm good... And mean well, even if I disrupt a vibe ...  Would they be proud of me? Would they ever want to reach out and see about a relationship? Where I thought I was in that moment of gifting a couple the ultimate gift of a life?  Gifting them with a lifestyle I may never have myself? I thought I had made peace with the notion that I may never meet them or know them.... But I would be a different person if I learned of their death and never felt the pang of heartbreak? Would I become even more brave? I feel anger towards my immediate family, from my years as a child in their respective households... of drastically different economic statuses, every 14...
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Wandering Often

This past weekend was my family reunion, off the Gulf coast in Florida. B met my extended family. He was wildly adored. It was very easy to have him around... He was wonderful. Charming. Beautiful.  I didn't grow up with much family on my mother's side and my brother told me once to never speak to his cousins, Gerty's family. So... My father's family is pretty small, I think. But it's something. And they are a saving grace. ... My UncleD has pulled my father aside before, some decades ago, asking half in jest if he even remembered he had daughters? Lol.  I told my therapist that last part very recently, and she yelled out in validated glee, on my behalf. "Thank you!! Someone else sees it!! I'm so glad he spoke up."  Right. Because my dad never spoke up for us with Ol Gerty. I'm pretty sure if my father married a liberal, he'd be in a bunker... As long as he can show off his virtues and self righteous POVs as in ownership of a childhood experien...
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Dragoncon 2026

Con eve: I cannot wait to experience B's first Dragoncon. I am so freaking stoked for him! He will have to go off and do his own thing with his own department, but there are some things that are extremely ok to do by myself and with others who know what mutual respect looks like. And the meaning of consent. People who accept others that understand that different people exist, and if someone doesn't like you, that's ok. Not everyone is supposed to like you. That would be impossible. And it's an insane expectation... How Crickets felt about being part of a sporting event... How he felt about those people, that's how I feel about people in general, who are on the con volunteer staff. Or people who attend cons all the time. They're not all lovely people... Some are... Differently-minded. Like, most of society runs on some monogamous notion of love... Like you gotta pick and choose who you want to hang out with... I think that's just life.  I had always wanted to...
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Dance Steps

I think it's pretty narrow-minded of someone to assume their life is the one blueprint everyone tries to follow.  My life is "out of order" ... Not the 404 not found/doesn't work concept... But the dance steps I was taught, was the common coretrot: school wedding kids death. School wedding kids death. School wedding kids death... Not the best plan for a genius...  Women are allowed to not have kids and still be happy and content. And strong. Just because we have the equipment doesn't mean we have to populate the species. Believe me, there are enough people here... We need to invest in the infrastructure and education of our populace. Of the people trying to scrape by and not drown in quid pro quo... It has always surprised me that the Republican Right dictates all life is precious, but then mocks those less fortunate... Or with single mothers. Or never puts their money where their mouth is... They spout that they're holier than most, but then evict those in ne...
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What I've always wanted...

I am so glad I am with a big-dick energy kind of man. A type of partner who can trust me enough with criticism. Honest opinion first and foremost. The care and consideration of another person is astounding but trusting me enough with a blowback of a mature ego ... A thiccccc fucking skin to tell it like it is, without a reflection of easily hurt anguish. It is a sigh of relief.   An authentic person who can be absolutely blunt with me. I work with many many people, all different temperaments and we are on the presipice of opening another location. Everyone's nerves are shot.  My bosses are at their wits end. But they are good people. And resourceful in a crisis. Admireable at how patient one has to stay... Composed where others are at and stressed about opening. I am so proud of this team. I feel like I'm a background character at a renfaire... Yet, still adding to the scenery.  I am proud of Peace, and all my other coworkers! We did it. I am so proud to be part of t...
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The Company You Keep

B got fired two weeks ago. It was some he-said/she-said bullshit and we were never told the exact phrase he used to get let go... The boss did the firing. There was zero investigation.  I think it was handled poorly. Idt the Complainer likes straight men. And didn't understand that he was goofing.  Two less invites to worry about for our wedding day...  . I do believe there's an aire of...white-man-priveldge? It's like a specific arrogance that I've only found in white men. The way they walk around like they can go and do everything... Say whatever. They're just joking... People don't correct them, because they are white men. I am a woman, and queer. I am a minority. Idt white men try to bend to another whim all that often because the world was literally built for them... Or as they thought...  Red once yelled out his car window, yelling at someone a compliment, but still yelling, "WOW! What a beautiful garden!" ....it was kind of embarrassing. But he ...
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Separation

It's strangely hilarious to me that my Papa John's app messages me more than my own father. I understand The Doctor is Fictional... But I guess, so is the idea of my dad. Lol...  I'm not friends with him, not because I don't love him. I love him on a natural level... But he has never made me his priority. He never protected nor defended me. He could never protect me. His personality type was never going to be a good example to covet or chase in my dating life. One's parents are supposed to be your example of a love interest later in life.  I never received that. How was I supposed to know how to conduct myself if the programming was absent? There was a lot of magical thinking of a concept of osmosis knowledge. Things that parents THINK their kids are learning, and then there's what they actually learned.  For example, what my BIL is expecting their kids to know and absorb isn't what they're learning. They are learning that if you yell at loved one in ang...
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