The St. Louis Snow

As an autistic, who is self-aware, I often wonder if others are also self-aware.... What makes someone unaware? ... B is in the grocery store right now and I'm in the parking lot. I've stood most of my day, so I'm happily sitting, awaiting his return.  It's fun matching people to their cars... It's fun seeing glimpses into their lives: A woman in an all black business suit and stilettos gets out of her red leather interior red, black Mercedes, with a cloth tote bag in hand. She got the tote out of her backpack briefcase. Environmentalist badass boss.  A man, maybe late 30s, leaves the store with a 4 year old, mid-tantrum. The kid, not the man... He calmly puts the yelling child into the backseat of a white crossover that had just arrived a moment before. And then he himself opens the passenger front seat. The car stays there about 2 minutes and then drives off...  A young man got into a small pickup truck with a math-problem-worth of oranges in those mesh sacks. The...

I'm working through a lot of issues I have with my dad. I don't understand how someone so educated in history and in writing, sides himself along Skidmarks and his fellow GOP-fellas.  I think he's tinted all his stories and all his ideas through the Catholic Church, and the ridiculous importance of being married... I think he thinks the church is the end all, be all, of existence. I think he thinks I'll come around, eventually. I think he thinks I'll finally find my place if I'd only join a church... That the church is the only viable avenue of prosperity... The only way one can be successful...  ... There's a Robin Williams movie, Man of the Year... It has Robin's character liken politicians to NASCAR drivers... In that, the politicians wore what companies and ideas they represented. This concept really stuck with me. ...I have a jacket I like to wear in the colder months with a bunch of patches and art and pins that represent the things I am into... My...

I think there's a difference between blindly following an idea and arrogance. For the first to be true, wouldn't one have to understand the opposition? Wouldn't it be fair, if one understood their enemy's perspective? To think I am equal to my enemy, as in the same regards of having the right to live freely ... Not thinking of myself as more than, or more important of someone who has less than me. I've never understood the lack of humility my father possess whilst professing that he's a good representation of a Christian man ...  He's charming and sauve, yes. And he's nice when he is in pursuit of something... But he isn't kind. He's generous with money, which is why I don't like to tell him I need it. I get that I'm super lucky, and that if I was in dire need, I'd probably ask him for funds... But I already know that money is from a place that Gertrude doesn't know of ...... It would track. He people-pleases to keep the peace... ...

Watching DW with B... It's the God Complex... Funny how it's about a monster, and not the author themselves. White men are never at fault! But they are also not the default type of life. Anyone who worships their woman is a good friend of mine.  My partner has a lack of ego, not an inflated sense of self. My therapist pointed out today that my father still thinks of himself as the hero ... He voted for trump. He voted for the authorization of this Punk Ass government of a United States to be overthrown by the horse meat of public school lunches, Trump. What a fucking laugh of a wasted existence... He is and was an awful man, and whoever supports him in anyway doesn't get my respect. Period.  For realsie, my dad had thought Jamie Lanaster was the hero in GoT's first episode!!.. Like ... He thinks of himself as the hero! But, the moment he told me that he voted for that vile man.... I lost all respect for him. Every ounce. I stopped living some life my Dad had planned out...

I can't always be aware of everything going on in the world. The tantrum tyrant who's last name rhymes with rump.... He's got a few months to live. I still don't understand how he rose to such power... I don't understand how smart people voted in such a joke? I don't understand how he maintains followers and sheep. They're all a bunch of incel red pill dorks...  A year or so ago, Elon Musk had live streamed himself playing Diablo 4, and sucking really bad... Apparently, he had paid some kid in China to beef up and collect all the goodies for his character and then he thought he could just slip in and play like a god? Lol. I'm not a gamer AT ALL, but even I know that would never work. I think they think the world is their stage and they're just performing in it? Life isn't a sitcom where villains just get played out or fade to black.  There's a finality to life that brings you to the present whether you want it or not. And I don't think ei...

They talk a lot about what's supposed to be... Supposed to be what there no cookie cutter plan for everyone to experience the same... Not everyone wants a 9 to 5, sitting in traffic for two hours a day, going home to Suzy Homemaker and rinse&repeat until death... Some poor souls work retail... Lol Not everyone is destined for those lives. And I get that people join the church and organizations to be told how to live and what rules to follow, in order to aspire to that cookie cutter life..... But that's not the point to life... The point to life isn't to follow someone else's recipe... It's to learn and connect from and to others... It is to learn to love others in spite of their differences to you.  ... I had to unlearn a lot of bullshit I had absorbed in youth to be a better human today. Finding a company to work for and with, was the start of how I learned how to utilize trust from others as a currency to live... A lifestyle of respect, understanding, and inte...