Twenty-Eight
Mother's Day 💐:
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This is my first mother's day with B. I've yet to really establish a good routine to celebrate. I always request it off from work. They always oblige.
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I have struggled in the past with connecting with people or being clearly seen by a counterpart. With mutual respect and the knowledge that he is also as emotionally intelligent as I am, he is at the same serious level of life. And he wants to propel us forward. I want to progress forward with one best friend... Build towards a purpose and creative projects...
He understands that neither of us is a perfect human being but we are perfectly patient with each other which is, apparently, bare minimum...... but he is able to look at me in the face, probably across a crowded room, and have a full two sentence conversation check in with me, "how are you doing? Do you want to leave?" He can see my answer in the flicker of my eyes and make an escape route... he sees me crystal clear... Unlike any previous male partner... Defender, Protecter. Surrendered... Lol. He sees me when I don't even see myself.
And I of course see him ... There are shortcomings in all humans, including me, but how our brains work isn't a failure... We are simply different in thoughts and our reactions to emotions; instant or delayed. I know I've "triggered" some of his alarm bells before with how he likes things a certain way. I've never thought of him as too much or even exasperated... He doesn't exhaust me, as I was always on edge around Crickets. B is lovely and is incredibly considerate. I do not take him for granted. I am incredibly lucky to have found him.
He says I calm him. He says I make everything better. I always thought I'd have to settle for someone, like a two out of three top qualities I was looking for... Like, perfect but too short. Like, perfect but too rich (=arrogant). Like, perfect but too conservative... I wanted a 6ft Ghimli golden retriever who would cater to me like the princess I am.
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I have come so far in life, longer than I thought I'd survive adulthood, honestly. I have new goals in life and new projects with B. I think, to explain pop-culturally, in early to mid 2000s Disney Channel, no matter how badass Kim Possible became, she'd still rather be with a Ron? Amiright?
Why can't Ron be a 6ft Ghimli with an MIT degree? Why couldn't Kim be more of a "Shego" and get with a Ron Stoppable...who can also the gadget button computer guy? What if Q in 007 was the protagonist bearded stud?Where are those troupes? Where are those stories?
Hoagie and Abigail, or Number 2 and Number 5, amiright?...KND.
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The token white kid was yes, probably always the redhead, but what if it was the white disabled boy? What about the wildass white country bumpkin? What if she was a brunette girl who was like a sister from another mister? Where are the white outsider characters? The othered?
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But the attitude I have for them is different than what was programmed as acceptable behaviors from a partner. A romantic partner is an example of how you want to feel loved. On a basic level of mutual respect ...not many can do that with me. I've never felt othered around B. I've never felt out of place with him. It's like a good kind of strange.
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People would learn a lot from people who are othered. Patience, the humility to learn from someone younger, or a different socioeconomic status... Can you hold a conversation with them or do you not see them as worthy for your time and effort?
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I get to say goodbye to certain attributes I have discovered as unhealthy... the vulnerabilities and with triggers. I get to leave parts of myself behind so I can grow as a person... I'd rather work through my emotional turmoils without the escape hatch of a crutch, an addiction. Maybe just on this day or interruption from work and escape from somewhere.
B gets me on my bad days and makes room for me. He validates me and my emotions. And we work through the issue together, we are on the same team!
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I feel bad after some conversations at work because even though my bosses know I'm autistic, I can correctly predict their sentences and words, so I start answering them before they stop talking... And then I remember it's more polite to let them finish so I start talking but then stop... And they finish what they want to say, which I'm bored by the end of... Lol. And then I have to remember to answer them. Lol. Hopefully, I haven't lost the thought, yet. AuDHD.
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This is the year I let myself be triggered and know that I am in safe environments to express myself. I trust the people who I am around frequently, to ask me the real questions that matter. To dig deep and get to the well of knowledge below ...the lost memories that explain my reactions. Telling stories of what I recall... Continuing the conversations in my head and asking questions to those that pertain...
The point of having one trusted person with my absolute physical trust is something B already knows. Emotional vulnerabilities are really hard to explain to someone who would've treated you differently in those certain hurts 🤕 and feelings as a fellow kid... Or a very young 22 year old....
And probably be an adult who has the capabilities to apologize... The bravery to ask forgiveness from an offspring. The humility to offer it without a prompt from "the opposition."
I wish someone to emotionally explain to me why a father wouldn't jump at the chance to be there for his kid, dying on a hospital table, no matter her age, and who is around her. Who is "already there" for her...
My mother said she had called my dad, as I was hemorrhaging on the bed, and was rushed out of the suite to the O.R. They slapped bracelets on me and the baby, naturally... I don't fault the nurses. It was supposed to be The Baby and The Adoptive Mom... But I digress....
I almost died on the table when I was 22, and my father's emotional capacity was to fly to me immediately?... No, no... Lol.
My father sent his favorite type of flower with a note in a stranger's hand, "you did the bravest thing for her" ....
Duh. 🙄 Because my father lacks bravery. I learned courage from my mother and from myself. I needed him there for me, but like most of my childhood, he wasn't. And this, I learned to be on my own... To only rely on myself (and a therapist, usually), emotionally, to make sure I can stay sane and levelheaded in reality.
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5/29
I am so thankful I met a man like B... I wonder what he'd have done things differently for me, if he had met me right after having her... Or maybe had a daughter himself, and she was about to do the hardest thing in her life... Would he have hopped on the first available flight to come see me, or would he have hopped on the phone to order the best bouquet?
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What does she need to recover? Money. Yes, my father just paid for things. Here and there. No real in depth conversations, of course... But...... He's good at throwing money at problems... Or mistakes he wished away from his sight. So they would not bother him further.
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My father never liked being corrected in speaking about others with respect and admiration, calling a family member "a drunk" when in a story, to sound funnier... I had corrected him, "a recovering alcoholic" ...you can still have your disdain in tone, but you will respect Uncle as the flawed human he is... Which is, "a recovering alcoholic."
My father didn't speak to me for three months after that... I think it was some years... I had stopped talking to him and G after quarantine. After that, it got to be on his end when he'd think to call me. I think I became a reminder on his phone to check in... To do his bare minimum reach out, so he can feel secure that I was "ok."
I didn't like how he spoke about others, anymore. People we were supposed to value... Why make fun? Would we like it if they made fun of us?
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I think people might ask questions they're not yet ready to hear the answers to... Why would I allow a man into my life who has never properly defended me? Who would never defend me with integrity and strength? Who never provided me with words or phrases of defense...
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B is the WHOLE package, and .... Annnnnd emits emotions pretty well and honestly. He voices his feelings without condensation, and without having to put me down or twist a knife into my ego... but knows how to apologize, and validates me when I'm having some negativity.
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I really love being driven by him in the mornings, bringing us to work and he loves taking care of me. It's hard to take care of me, myself...
My lifelongforeverbestfriendandLover, is who I share my physical body with. Who I'm excited to see or an outing with Moi, I like to feel a certain way, but with different planned outfits.... Sometimes we match on purpose. I loved purchasing him new clothes. I love finding out what his style is ... I love playing in clothes. Now he doesn't look like a disheveled hole-y man... Lol
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I can look B in the eye across a crowded room and know he got me... You can see me... You can converse with me without thinking.... I am pretty blunt and kinda off-putting to others who cannot communicate clearly... I feel like I can be myself there more relaxfully. I just want a place I can hangout and be myself without being fucking scrutinized... All the time. At work is pretty chill, I can just zone out and complete tasks quietly.
But I need a new creative outlet that can provide that side of my life that is sharing a little bit of my life with the world... I want to marry my best friend and get to touch him whenever I want and that's all a good life could be...
Why would we bring kids into this hellscape? The promises of what could be were lies.... Why on earth would I rinse and repeat without knowing the world is ok and we are stable enough to conceive and raise up correctly, in the correct society for future fortune of the mass many?
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I am so grateful for my close friends and family... My standards are high integrity. How do you treat others? With mutual respect or mutual goods exchanged.
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I had a great mother's day with B. We watched some Doctor Who, ate pizza, and he held me close as we talked the night away.
I am happy.
Snow.
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