Parenting?

No human on earth can control how their offspring experiences the world, on a personal level... Like, they can give them comforts they themselves didn't receive as children... Build up generational wealth and so forth, both in equity and relationships... Parents can control their kids environments up to a certain extent... But knowing that awareness as a child isn't a lesson that is commonly taught. 

How to perceive the world around me was the job of my parents... You'd think having three most of my life, that I'd luck out with one good one. I wouldn't say my mother is overall good... But I think she thinks she did ok. And I think she did the best she could with the resources she had. Her trust in the world was broken... She passed that mistrust down to us.

Expecting kindness from strangers is stupid, but I'm supposed to trust my fellow man in moments of crisis? How about in a daily scenario? If me, an autistic woman, is going to work most of her life, I would like to be able to respect myself at the end of the day, knowing that I am apart of something bigger than myself is really cool... I think my father feels that way about The Church, or maybe the conservative party... But such people generate an attitude that they are better than everyone else... Most examples I have of Christianity are from those who would probably be insulted if I called them a Christian.

I don't have the capacity to run the company, but I'm sure as glad it exists. It wasn't until this job I saw a career in myself. A worth while worth to be on the same team for the same lifestyle as kindness... My standards of a fellow human is basic human rights... If you can't look me in the eyes and have a full conversation of honesty, in a blunt manner...we not gonna be friends. That comes off as rude, but idk how else to be but myself. I feel like a coworker looks down on me... Me, a person who has been at the company longer. Idk how to be around them bc there isn't any team building or leadership program or PowerPoint presentations at my company for the storefront, very little respect. It's annoying when this person breaks rules, I don't want her to... She's a good team player, but she isn't my friend... But when I correct her, she leaves. There isn't any socializing with me and idk how to interact with someone who stonewalls me at work. 

It sucks working with her. I try praising and thanking her; no dice. I am not to be included.

I will ask politely as I can, calmly. Because I respond calmly. B hasn't seen me intensely emotional yet. I wonder what it would be... If I explained a scenario to him that Crickets or another Ex had an issue with... What would be his take? After a few comments about issues that used to be issues, and then getting his opinion on "if he was there" ... It's so nice being with someone who can reflect kindness and patience so well. 

I would bother [any previous romantic partner] or annoy in some capacity... They had to pacify me instead of being in tune and trust my intellect. If you didn't respect me, how am I supposed to respect you? To make someone feel valuable, you have to first....value yourself. I deserved better, and found better.

B is very patient with me. When he has a question, I like to be as honest as I can... But I really love car rides for big talks. That's when a lot of yelling at moms house was like and in the kitchen was where Dad's house was the loudest. Gertrude would go on a tyrade about some inconvenience she had and instead of being emotionally mature, she'd unload on us, her husband's children. Her personal emotional punching bags. 

If dad was around, it wouldn't matter. He never put himself in harm's way... He'd stand on the sidelines to comfort us afterwards like a coach comforts his players after a match ... His JOB AS A FATHER should've been protection. I wish he had--just once--said to that monster, "don't talk to my girls like that." And made us feel worthy. Made us feel valued. Made us feel safe. But we were at fault for most of her anguish... And the terms of separation has continued generationally... Her husband's grandchildren... Not, the grandchildren. It's really hurtful and stupid... But also good... I don't really want her around showing my nibblings how to be a human, since she sucks so hard at patience and tolerance of differences.

Just because my parents yelled something at me, in childhood, didn't mean I understood what words they used, made any sense to me at the time. Of course I stopped what I was doing... But I didn't recall the words or lessons. 

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Anyway... Being jerked back and forth between houses was jarring enough. But having to always be a certain way one house and then have to keep all that nonsense as routine and saved in memory... For 14 days... And then have to rinse and repeat. There was drastically different rules and temperaments at both houses and wildly out of sync adults who were never really on my team, they were on their own. They each told me what they wanted for me after the fact, that never made me feel good, but moreso they wanted credit for effort.... 

I never really felt like I was part of something bigger until I worked at The Company. It's been 4 years at full time. I love what I do. In fact, I'm going in soon on my day off to do a batch of something... Yay overtime!

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During childhood, think about the incredible insight I have locked away, absorbing the fights in between them as humans who never quite wanted to know the other ... Who sought out their individual situations they aspired to having, "one day in the future," but probably not right away. My parents met so young in life. But they never really understood the expectations they had for one another... 

Anyway... My dad never yelled at us... But the stories he'd tell us to explain the world eventually became outdated with society... The expectation of a woman in my family is to "marry well, and provide your parents with grandchildren..." As if it's shuffle board currency... Golf course gossip and bragging rights. Make your parents look good later in life and forget about the horrible pile of shit you had to wade through as the kid. 

Why didn't dad want full custody of us? Gertrude would've wanted to send us away from her baby boy's influence. She never wanted us in her life. 

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It's funny learning about what lessons you were supposed to learn in childhood, to become a better human in adulthood... See, a mother and father are supposed to be the examples to follow behavior after... Which of my parental units was I supposed to emulate? Was I supposed to be one bitter sad person...stuck on what should've been? Was I supposed to be a coward like my dad and just been quiet as the tide turned against me? He protects his marriage and himself, but he's never provided the words or actions of protection for us, his daughters. Or should I be the narcissistic parent who is in love with their name and image?

Now my father expects a relationship of friendship with us, and his examples of who we were when we were polite to him are outdated. I will never shrink myself for someone else ever again. 

I cannot be a close friend without having been in touch with your own feelings....emotions... Perspectives. I like to be friends with people who respect others equally and possess an ounce of empathy for others... 

My father is a cowardly, but privileged, business guy. He thrives on showing off his ego... He likes to do big grandiose celebrations, but after awhile, people started to forget silence... Did you know that the father figure in a 'traditional' marriage  is supposed to model friendship with peers? I recall observing my dad, and he never really had close friends... 

and he never stood up to either yelling-mad lady... Maybe they got a discussion behind closed doors...we were never taught to defend ourselves and use good words to protect our existence. He only knew how to model friendship to men. So I usually befriended the outcast nerd bros...as friends. Dudes are usually easier to work with because they're straight forward and direct. My crush list was numerous, but only about 1 dude per grade I was in... From K to 12... College was a ride. But how was I supposed to reign in that lust for another when it had been force fed that I was to marry and pop out kids BEFORE I knew what I was made of?

Anyway, my dad's wife was G, Gertrude. She would get upset if we didn't say specifically, "good morning, Gertrude." Or "good evening, Gertrude." She was the narcissist parent that would rule her domain with an iron fist. We didn't want that. But we were supposed to comply to any manipulative whim of hers and then say thank you... Expectation of respect without reciprocity is incredibly toxic. 

Gertrude has *conveniently* forgotten most of the yelling matches and critical discussions so she doesn't have to do the inner work of introspection in her old age. She gets a free pass on all the trauma she caused us... It's not fair. But also, I can just choose to not be her friend so ... Poof! I haven't spoken to her in 4+ years... I don't miss her. 

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Mom was incredibly immature, but she has asked for forgiveness (2018) for her hand in our choldhood traumas... and I have since granted her such a request... But I will never forget. The extremely loud outbursts of emotions that never quite made sense to me in the moments of her having one of her tirades... She has left scars on both of us, forever. She has to live with them, too.

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B and I still haven't fought yet. We haven't overcome a big serious obstacle yet and I forget I had freaked out with him about something before. He held my hand throughout, and I still have issues believing he does mean to stay. To communicate. To understand one another. The love is patient and kind bit? Is this the time I finally get MY happy ending? 

But people are highly judgemental of others, because they are themselves? But he's not. He is responsible and kind. He loves me more than he loves himself. Idk if that's toxic or lucky.

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So how do you use examples of how to be a good person with those glorious adults for role models? 

I had to unlearn a lot... I had to learn how to be kind to myself, but get really good at recognizing the good in others... Be of gratitude, easily found in others. 

So far, B is the most patient partner I've ever been with... We are monogamous and very entune with one another... If we have questions for clarification, we can be blunt with each other and not resort to name calling or resentment... He's so handsome and my exact type... With the extra effort of spoons he has for me always... It's like finally walking into a spoon store... And I have a gift card.

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Sometimes I wish I had foresight and bought pizza a few hours ago. Oh well. 

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Snow. 

P.s.