Casms

...as I review my day, like everyday, I like to recount what I liked and/or what I was grateful for. 

I am grateful for someone to have in my corner. I am thankful he had his life go the way it did... Even with the woes... I have seen glimpses of his internal torments because I, too, share the same scars. I wear them like badges of honor. I show them off. He says I make him brave... while I tell him that he makes me feel safe. He calms my mind when it quakes. When my hands flintch, he offers his arm for stems. He is a good man and I'm forever grateful that we have found one another.

I am grateful for my life, and my woes. I am grateful that even though we may never have a planned child, if we had an Oops, they would be so loved (we are very much not pregnant). 

...

I have already asked Coworker and Peace to be in our wedding party, recently... If only B would propose already! I am very impatient. There's part of me who wants to just skip the BS bit of waiting, and get to the marriage part. We're basically already there. I never knew I'd get to find someone so utterly perfect for me... But it's taking too long. He's lucky I'm not a snooper ...

.

He is as scarred as I am, but he sees my beauty. He had a dream of my scars even before we were together. Under the literal and figurative masks I wear as armor in crowds, he has out a hand to hang onto, his beautiful chocolate filled eyes surveying the obstacles ahead... keeping me behind him as he walks and course-corrects, striding along on the gentlemen's side of the sidewalks... The Ghimli. The King. 

My King 👑 ... Someday when we get to say the "I do's" in front of our chosen family... Some blood, some not.

I am looking forward to when he officially asks me to marry him. Even though I've already told those closest to me (besides B)... I wish for them to stand up with me, to witness promising a life with him. 

I knew I wanted a rich man, but never someone who valued money... That they would have wealth in humanity and emotional intelligence... Someone who was emotionally mature, and able to keep up with me, and my demand for such connection. 

I am a casm of emotional wealth, and my questions to seek understanding in others or of difficult situations...the deep end in a conversation, but never tire, or relinquish curiousity... I wish for others to know I will respect them and their space, but they are highly valued as humans I hold in high regards. They value integrity, and the quota is equity-filled.

...

To gossip about those less fortunate is a failure in my dad. To have such great disdain for someone who has less, is such small-heart-energy. Someone who cannot fathom having such "shame" to "stoop" to a level of begging ... My father has never known poverty as most Americans have. My father didn't have a single mother. He forgets who he is talking to. I don't mind reminding him. 

I had texted him a happy father's day. He liked it. That is the level he is at... No emotional casm for him. I don't think he'd be that interested to know what I'm thinking and why. 

...

When our friends need insulin, but they cannot afford it annnnnd pay for actual food and groceries... What effort wins? Shelter or medicine? My own well-being? What's that? My father has never had to face such a fear with a loved one. 

What happens when a close friend can't find a transplant match in time? That's right... There's no happy ending for that person. 

What happens to our friends when they drown in liquid, on dry land, on a mattressed-slab? Seizure and The Release. Our friends, our fellow Americans? We die. That's the American healthcare system... Be put on a list, die anyway. 

And I feel like no one cares until THEY are held accountable. Until the issue pertains to them ... And even then, they might just send flowers. They see shame and project an assumption onto others... He'd have rathered died than to be seen as a fry cook and earn a living to provide for loved ones. ...where does he go to show off? To brag about himself? I think he shows off at church. Ugh 🙄

I like to show off at work... I like to show off going to shows and be entertained by fellow performers... Especially comedy shows... I can't help but answer the rhetorical questions... Funny people know the spectrum of emotions, usually. There are a lot of sad men in comedy, too. But I try to steer clear of them. I'm happy I met my husband so early. 

One doesn't simply go into a husband store... One must grow one. Best results show growing with them, not just along side. Marriage is the trallice that holds our vines. I am so ready. I've been ready since my 30th... But I guess I had to wait and wade through another 8 or so to actually meet a soul worth my time and intellect. 

...

I know today is Father's Day... I know we are supposed to celebrate the masculine energies in our lives, today. But I feel like I celebrate him every day. We celebrate each other quite well. 

....

It is important for a daughter to feel and be safe with her dad. He is the example of the expectation she has to find a worthy partner when she comes of age. ...I am very thankful that B isn't emotionally stunted like my dad is. 

I'd also like to state that any parent who resorts to physically or emotionally harming their children get no respect from me. I understand I have yet to raise a child of my own... But acting upon harm for what? For what is the purpose?

Furthermore, a parent who can't and won't listen to their kids, nor apologize to them about the issues they had during their childhood. Yes, shelter, clothes, and food were provided. ...but emotional connection? I am not my parent's parent. I am not their best friend and I'm not their peer... I am their offspring. 

They were supposed to be on my team for my well-being... 

Every few years, every job, I'd look around and ask myself, is this it? I've never felt the need to ask at The Company, nor with B.

This is it. 

I am where I'm supposed to be. 

Belonging. It took awhile to get here. But I'm glad I made it. 

;

Snow.