Who do I write these for?

I find it funny that I almost died where I was born ...like if I wrote my life down, it would sound made up...I almost died where I gave birth... I almost made the ultimate sacrifice for a life. I may have made the ultimate sacrifice of motherhood... And I'd do it all again... 

I recall that my dad had sent flowers. That was the bare minimum of his efforts that he could spare... He lived out of state... I wonder if he would have sent flowers for my funeral, just as well... 

....

What does she want out of life? This anomaly of a life? I survived what 1 in 4 women do, from childbirth. I was 22. I was told it would be fine. That I would be fine. I almost sacrificed my life for another. Am I supposed to exist in this reality?

What do I want out of the years ahead? I want independence and quietness... Balance. Less chaos. Chill and artful. Creative and community driven... Building a career and a name for myself. Healthy... What's that? Isn't the millennial diet eating once a day? But hey, I drink water. 

Dedication. Team work. Equal goals. Equal effort. Equal each other out. Accept and see and play...seek to understand and grow and progress forward... What's the end goal? Try to leave a good enough impression on the world, after you go... These words are my legacy... 

The world is on fire, and I still want a future like it isn't... What would be the guise of reality that I'd want and need? A life line of living with friends can lead to more connections... Sure. I tend to love my friends intensely... And if people have a problem with me, I trust that they'll approach me... But most don't, and I lose friends without knowing that I'm losing friends...

If I can play and banter with you, safely... If I can be my bratty self and stop stopping myself... If flirtgame recognizes flirtgame, I can look you in the eye and trust you while I play... That I can be vulnerable but relax in your arms if safety abides. 

Man, I'm exhausted... you are a lucky SOB if you know me. I am very needy for attention. Is that so bad? But I show gratitude in reciprocation... 

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The first time I met my coworkers and met with the bosses... I knew I had found good people to spend my almost 40 hour work weeks with. People who would also appreciate my existence... Not realizing that the home life / work balance doesn't really translate well to me. I'm a bit of a workaholic, apparently, it's a common autistic trait. Did you know 80% of autistic adults are unemployed? Not bc we don't want to work... Bc we are taught that it's more important to fit in and conform than to learn and listen to what our needs are... And how to take care of those needs, healthily. It takes me so long to take a shower... But I love it when I'm in there. 

I'm trying to currently give work 40% effort instead of my ~110% . It's easier to put together "fits" bc it's hot and simple... Colder weather means more layers... Really plan it out. 

During my most recent move, I used my clothes instead of bubble wrap and it also forces me to unpack better. But I rented boxes, so I really need to unpack. ...two weeks and 100$+ later.... Ugh.... 

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I do love being without clothes, absolutely free ... but I love fashion and style... I love seeing how people like to express themselves through clothing. I recognize style when I see it... 

Clothes are my armor... To brave the world. Have people approach me and start conversations. I still have items that exes have gotten me... Because why not? I liked the item... They have good stories. 

I am a great gift giver. And like to receive them if they are also thoughtful... I don't like to put a price on it, except if it is thrifted and you got it for a stupid low amount of money... This is the way.

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Some rules I abide by is... I am always sober at work and will never date from work. I have rather strict boundaries and rules with myself... But I can also mistakingly cross others' boundaries... I will no longer understand passive aggressivness. Bc I've found it is so drastically different from person to person, as to what others ACTUALLY mean and when. And I cannot be bothered to write it down... Each person's set of rules of proper conduct? That's ridiculous. I'd rather have strict rules with myself... But I am the only one that needs to adhere to them. Never date at work. Best friends, sure. But dating? Nah. Date first and then work with one another? Sure? But I have yet to personally experience such, unsure if I'd want to... There are a lot of people at work who have had or met an S.O. at the job.... The owners/Founders are married. All my managers and higher ups are either married or in long term situationships... And they all have advice for me to conduct my life better... But they have someone else. I get that they're trying to help... But their needs are met. Their needs are taken care of. I have to rely on myself....and she's a hit or miss... It difficult keeping up with the world, let alone how to live a more healthy life. 

If a coworker was autistic and alone like me, I'd take their suggestions a lot better. ...but people who have their intimacy needs met with their S.O. need to stop suggesting tips for me... It's exhausting. 

I cannot confide in my immediate family bc they aren't emotionally safe and would have me bow down to The Church, marry some schmuck who is a middle aged creep, and pop out more babies, despite my fear of rupture. My mother doesn't attend church, either, but she also has basically no network of adult friends to work together and help her out, neither. She was well on her way to working from home years and years before Quarantine... 

I hope I get to build a project like a relationship with someone who wants to build something, as well... Especially if it's also not having kids... Adopting, sure. Step parent? Yes. But I don't trust my own body to handle another birth... especially with all the stupid laws now. Idk if I would have been saved with today's climate of policies and healthcare... It can get so complicated.

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I've been listening to a podcast recently, The Autistic Culture. It's nice to hear about autism in a positive light and thus, the validation of being actually understood... An actual acknowledgement of the initial feeling of growing up with people who were just a little behind in stuff, but always felt that way... We, as autistics, would never had initially, naturally made fun of another without hearing such a shortcoming from a loved one... Examples at home become behavior at school... 

Previously or current, justify saying that burn to another instead of the proper encouragement or affirmation of a task... Talk yourself into it... Brag about why you love what you love. Why you work as hard as you do. What you look forward to... A little bit more room to expand into and be more independent. The issue isn't just the fear of being unseen, it's being misunderstood... 

My fear of confiding in family is that they'd institutionalize me... My fate, if I had stayed in Atlanta back in 2009, would've been to be set up on a cot in the backyars's leaky shed with just a CD radio... Lol. My father said he would've shipped me off to that unwed mother's shameful facility in Marietta, and I 100000% believe I would've died. I am in this timeline to live it and tell stories. Like seriously dad, get fucked. 

My father has taken it up on himself to exploit my story for the benefit of others. I would like to continue to speak about it. It is MY story, and I know conservatives don't want me to talk about it... But that only fuels me to continue. 

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My greatest fear is not being in control of my own life. I am autistic and queer. I am a brat, a best friend, and a motivator. I am unable to really be there for myself, but can be there, for others. 

I was incredibly immature at the time of having a kid... I was breaking the generational curse of having a motherhood thrusted upon me, and I wasn't ready... 

..

In 11th grade, I recall learning through my grandmother's genealogy research (old school sleuthing, eons before 23 and me .com) that we had an ancestor who had a marriage certificate in the late 1600s, somewhere in the Toronto Canada area... The certificate read "Jean Luc ....." and "Savage" ...

She was probably a young indigenous woman who may have been a child bride. She was raped into submission and obedience, probably. Forced to have a sick man's children. It's heartbreaking.

The curse stopped with me. I recall being so torn up about this realization of historical context. I mean, my great great grandpa, meaning my grandmother's dad, had her and her mom living on the Southside of Chicago in a bungalow... Through her research, she discovered that her and her mom were the side chick of her dad. ...she did discover a long lost sister!! ...the product of the "proper" marriage. Turns out, a veteran man in the 1930s could afford a "proper marriage and child" and a whole duplicate family, too.

My uncouth father made it a point to write this out into a father-of-the-bride speech at my sister's wedding. Like, what the actual fuck? His punchline was that we are all "savage bastards." ... 

Ugh...

My dad is an excellent writer... But he's on the wrong side of history. He is the father of a rape survivor... I don't really understand him bc my ego isn't running on appearances... I am what I am... Who TF cares what the Jones are even up to?

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Being seen by others who have also come to other terms about themselves... Similar to your own experiences, I assume if it quacks like a duck... Then autistics are also ducks... Lol 🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆 

Now that's a party... 

Oh, so this is the podcast in question... and I've never felt more seen (besides Maintenance Phase, love me some Michael Hobbs!!). Highly recommend it to those who might THINK they're autistic, here.

Annnnd I made a new T-shirt. I am unable to purchase it bc I'm moving and have other expenses besides this T-shirt. Ugh, adulting. 

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And I might be able to afford another class at Dad's Garage if it's not already filled by the time I can afford it... Lol but I'll be reimbursed, and I'm happy about that. 

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I am crushing hard on a big hairy man... I think I'll get him a gift... I tend to do that. Lol... Sweetums. More like Sweetyums, amiright? 

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Chrome no longer supports my urstyle clipper and idk what to make, now... I did clip a lot from Cider... Maybe I'll prune... There goes my fashion playtime. I wish I had a computer guy... Urstyle was my digital gaming level. My showcase of style. 

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I'm attending sound school this morning and will learn things... And afterwards, I'll continue to pack. 

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Snow. 

....in a week, it'll all be over... Breathe. You're almost there...