In Spite We Trust

May 23rd, 6am

Going to have breakfast with my father this morning. Thanks to my therapist, I have walls built and a set of words I can use when I'm flabbergasted at the things he feels comfortable to say outside of his mind... I don't want to nervously laugh. I don't want to fawn over him and his stories... He now centers every perspective around the importance of marriage... Like somehow unmarried people were unclean ...*are*.… unclean. Like he's relieved that I'm finally ready to progress my life. 

I'm so angry at my dad for having the audacity of not being a better masculine energy in my life, especially when I needed him most... 

He was taught to serve his spouse no matter what. She wants to feel superior and in control? Sure, let her yell incessantly at your children. That'll model for who they are supposed to be in a relationship: a bully. And will be why they hate themselves when they yell... I would have never yelled at a child for any reason other than their own safety. I had to learn patience with myself at every stage. By myself. Emotionally alone... The adults around me really didn't know how to support me. They never really learned the amount of patience it would take... They would score me and my sister on the measurements of the average other, by age group... By weight class. ...never by our readiness to progress. 

Most of my life, I have had to do self check ins with myself every few years.. how well am I doing by myself? Who can I stand? Who do I have the bandwidth for? Do I still love my life? Am I sane? Am I ok? Am I part of a reality that is worth sharing with loved ones? Who is worthy of my precious time on this earth? 

B. I always wanted to find one other person in addition to B. But not to be physically-intimate with... That's just B. 

What would I need to change in order to make my life better? 

I figured if I'm going to work most of my life, I better find good, respectful, high-integrity people like myself.... mutually kind and patient with others.

Sometimes I fail at being kind. But I have good examples at work to model from or ask questions if they arise. But my intentions are pretty clear in the pursuit of kindness. 

...

Back to ol' Gerty... However, both of our mom figures were someone who yells a lot because they were upset at different things. Gerty is a meanie and a bully. Someone who cares more about surface level image than maturely, prossessing their emotions... My father isn't an example of masculinity I value or respect... I think my father is a coward. I think he is a traitor to this country, voting the way he does. I love him dearly, but it isn't my job to parent him... It isn't my mission in life to save him. 

FYI, if you're on the same side as Nazis, you are not on the correct side of history... You're not an ally and you are not a good guy... 

He isn't a good reflection of my kindness, so why would I share myself with him? I pride myself in kindness. And patience. He thinks he is superior to blacks, fats, queers, and neurospicy people... Especially women and trans people... And especially especially the unmarried... He also believes that black men make horrible fathers, "you can't argue with statistics" ....

He can be nice when he wants something... But he's not what I'd consider a kind man. I wouldn't even say he holds up Christian values in a big picture dynamic. 

I'm sure him and Gertrude are prominent members of their Roman Catholic congregation of The Conservative Colorado Springs....

They've been askew and abused, since they've been sucked into Faux News ... Him and ol' Gerty watch and then go to church to get validated and reaffirmed of what they have watched and consumed... This stupid govt runs on lies and sheeple and weak, lead-soaked minds... This govt runs on corporate greed and corruption... This govt runs on the best public relations money can buy... And I guess that's who hooked my father's attention. He's always been a business man, first. That's who he admires. 

I'm unsure what made him suddenly respect Skidmark as a reputable businessman, let alone a viable candidate... But he has been bamboozled with wool sewn to his eyelids. 

... 

Skidmark is a childish baby clown who fains charisma as a rambling fool. The only "smart" thing he did was pull one over on a generation who got their world view from the news ... The rest was luck... I wish for Skidmark to shit himself to death on live streaming television. He is, without a doubt, the worst human to have existed in modern times, but also a skidmark on American history. He is the most corrupt president we have ever had and he's losing his mind, thank God. 

My father once described him as "a flawed man" ...ok. My dad is a flawed man. Skidmark is the golden calf. He is the #1ncel, himself. He AI's himself into depictions and "realities" that he's a young buff man. He does whatever he wants, promises everything, and delivers nothing. He pays people just enough, and if they try to fight him in court, the loophole is court fees and time for the contractor or whatnot. Wasting their precious time and money as actual working people ... Skidmark is a shiester... A loud showboat conman. He cares for no one but himself and anyone who votes for him and still supports him isn't someone I hold in high regards. If you, dear reader, still support this administration, we are not friends. 

...

I know my father loves me... He loves me to the extent of someone like him can love me...  He thinks less of women and fat people... I wonder what he thinks of me and Sister in a ge real sense, sometimes. 

I refuse to attend church. That is HIS special interest, but not mine. He doesn't ask the right questions. The in-depth questions. Probably because he doesn't want the answers... 

Moreso, I am a defiant woman. I disobey my father by growing metaphoric balls myself; and they are bigger than his. 

I am not following common core values. I'm not following the path he had lain out for me since middle school... I am brave and strong in spite of him, not because. I am beautiful and pretty, but that's old news. I value kindness, compassionate intellect, and high integrity (doing the correct thing, despite not having the opportunity to show off or brag about it).

Treat others as you would like to be treated... 

Weird how that's the basic lesson of Jesus, and yet, my dad conducts himself as the highest valued person in the room. If Jesus did come back, and used my father as an example of Christianity, I think he'd order a flood from His dad...

...

9:32a;

B goes in earlier on weekends so I'm here at brunch earlier than usual... Dad is getting here about 1030... Maybe I'll invite him a little earlier. No reply.

I really judge people on how they treat animals and wait staff. Do you say please and thank you to those serving you? Or do you act like they're at your whim, callously ordering them around? Like we're on an episode of modern Downton Abbey... ?

I'm sure my father wishes he lived in Victorian times... Where people just "knew how to act" ... Kept quid pro quo. White men were still on top... But who keeps those ideals? Who really sets those standards of living? 

As consumers, do we even consider those who can't afford a brunch out on a regular basis or even basic necessities? I always wonder about the unhoused on the rainier days of Atlanta. Where do they go for refuge? I wish I had a surplus of money to burn, and buy umbrellas to give out like candy... I wish we could fix the issue of the unhoused... I wish people would give a shit instead of donating tents... I wish this country valued caring for others, than scooting them out to "clean up the streets" . I wish the default wasn't so ADHD, as "out of sight, out of mind"... I wish we could just hold up the Christian values that are simple and compassionate instead of making everything a political issue. I wish all Christians held actual Christain values. I wish Go Fund Me wasn't all medical bills...

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My sister followed the common core program and I can see her make herself smaller to fit into the life she was told was the only one to make her okay... And taken care of. I know she's miserable. I know BIL and her don't communicate well. He refuses to learn about his emotions and how to soothe himself like a mature adult... Furthermore, how to relate to his wife... They need to see a secular marriage counselor... They need to learn how to talk to one another again. They seek to control the other like in some sitcom... But in good communication, one seeks to understand the other; it's not about who can control the narrative and who's ego is stroked... 

She never really recovered from her... Well, what I can divulge here is she never learned how to be strong on her own. It was like Dad said her ONLY option was to get married... Follow the steps he had laid out for her to follow, like the millions of women before us... Billions of women who gave up their independence for safety... For a shelter and dependable food... For the xyz abuse to endure in order to survive. Sister must be exhausted. But I am not her parent. I cannot live her life for her, even though I wish I could copy and paste my self awareness onto her.... It just doesn't work like that.

I have made changes to my life to suit my own lifestyle of valuing good people around me and glorifying human rights ... Weird how that's the basic level of existence. But I am happy about the company I keep, the partner I have, and the company I work with and for. I made myself a good life. 

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I hate when BIL is a dick to his kids or speaks down to them like they're idiots... I recall when Dad spoke to us like that. Called us a ditz or a space cadet... Because his brain moved slower than ours. 

I think Sister has the tizm like me, but I don't think she can see the value of it. I don't think she sees it as a positive. Being autistic is like a failure? I'm not sure where she gets that... Being autistic isn't a failure unless you're in denial. The symptoms and qualities are still present whether or not you, the individual, acknowledges them. However, life got exponentially better once I acknowledged it in myself and then started building integrity and respect off of it. I got better at changing my habits once I knew how my brain was processing information.

Acceptance of people different than you is the basis of existence... Empathy for another, that's bare minimum. If everyone was the same color, same shape, same thoughts... Life would be pretty boring... Learning how to communicate is important... But developing how to listen well, is a skill worth honing. 

...

Fashion has always excited me. How people style the things they wear signals to others the situations you find them, like jerseys at a game, or a smock/play clothes for throwing pottery... Clothes can be more or be less depending on what you want to say to the world, without so much as a peep. But I believe fashion and style can also be comfortable... Why torture yourself over something fun? I love getting dressed up and playing in clothes. 

 

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... 

After 10:30a breakfast at Folk Art in Atlanta:

It went pretty positively neutral. I had my guards up about certain topics and held onto my own code of ethics ... We both treaded the shallow end of his emotional depth... I did not fawn. I stayed strong. I am proud of myself. 

I told him how I had gotten promoted, what I do now on a salary (he offered a high 5), my Roth IRA (hi5), how my company matches it (hi5), how they reimburse my insurance every month (hi5), and how serious me and B are ... Hi5.

He commented that we are pretty rooted here in Atlanta for now, but I had mentioned we've discussed moving abroad. My company is pretty niche in the city, but the industry is pretty vast in the country. We could probably stay for another few years or so, but move on up north, or even across the border into Canadia... Which coast would be the significant choice.

On the Toronto side, I have family, and found family... But on the Vancouver side, it's the same thing. I have a sister from another mister there that I would adore getting to know in person, on the west coast. ...future discussions. 

Life is short, and yet, so long. It would be wonderful to finally meet another person from that Internet Group... 💖

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I'm not opposed to moving across the universe to Australia, even... But the call to do that isn't as strong as it's been in years past. B has no desire to live there... And he gets so hot so easily. I dress up in layers anyway... 

...but I digress. I think I impressed my father with my progress in my career... He didn't ask about the struggles in getting there, and I didn't share them... And the maturity of "finally doing something with my life..." I think this blog I keep would devastate him. Let my laundry air out because I'm unable to have a deeper emotional connection with him. Maybe someday he'll read these words and know he failed by not being there for me enough. In recent years, he once apologized for yelling at me in youth... I honestly don't recall any of those. I recall intense conversations, but never yelling from him, directly. 

I needed more time with him, he neglected and ignored me and Sister for his perfect triad of a family. Gerty definitely liked it that way. 

He was supposed to be the provider, defender, preserver... Instead, he's a people pleaser... Makes sure he's taken care of.... Chooses himself and the life he wants to live. In GoT, he'd have been the king to listen to the red witch and burned his daughter for greater glory. 

There's no memory I possess that credits my father for courage... That would be my mother that taught us fairness and integrity... If someone was being made fun of, and couldn't fight for themselves... And we were able to fight, we did. Step in and speak up. That's what she taught us.

What if the economy based itself on integrity and compassion? The true virtues of Christianity? Not just inclusion into some exclusive club? 

My mother and father and even ol' Gerty are flawed humans... I'm 95% sure Gerty is a narcissist... So I don't think she really cares about us... She doesn't keep up with us, but acts like we are one happy family during bigger family events. It's best to save face than to be present. To sift through the muck for the benefit of connection? Lol... 

She's not a person I turn to for strength. She's a bitch that can get things done, sure... But she can become a bully to get there, and that's not an avenue I like to emulate...

I had to unlearn a LOT in order to become a better human. I don't think ol' Gerty got the same memo. She decided to function on her soap box of Catholicism and superiority... Again, not someone I like to emulate. 

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Over brunch, Dad and I shared our mutual overwhelm at the loudness of Sister's house. She means well, but even if they had a spare room, I would also never ever stay with them. Even to visit overnight. I love them dearly, but they are absolute chaos. There's no order or discipline. There's very little respect and love in that household and it angers me how BIL speaks to Sister. I'm unsure how she speaks back to him ... But I would never want to be married to someone who initially thought I was half his age. Gross. That's not romantic. That's predatory.

I love my family, but it's very hard to be around them and still be myself. I feel like if I was to declare my queerness and autism, I would be shunned or barred from gatherings. I have never really felt like I was apart of the Catholic congregation, nor of the family ties because... Well, I never understood how to be friends with people who backstab or gossip about each other? Who am I supposed to talk to? How am I supposed to conduct myself around someone I know info about, but it didn't originate from their face? 

If the consent of their state came from them, sure... But spilling their tea without their consent, that's the difference? An acknowledgement that they're happy or upset? Only from them. I just don't understand gossip anymore. I certainly can't do it... I always regret it the moment I point out anything... And I hate myself whenever I did. I tend to unfortunately focus on people's insecurities... So I just can't anymore. 

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Church is where people go to network. If you can navigate yourself into a Catholic social heirarchy, you're gold. But to my surprise, there were more liars than not...  People nice to your face, and then different elsewhere. I just couldn't keep up appearances. 

At church, no one ever felt like we were on the same wavelength. Open minded and friendly towards strangers... 

I learned inclusion, and backstabbery at church. Church is where one goes to feel superior to others who are not. Again, not something I want to represent and emulate. Not to mention all the child and sexual abuse The Church covered up and continues to cover up. 

I do think having The Pope be the first American was a good move for the church... They do try to preach to the masses to NOT THROW YOUR CHILD out of the home if they come out to you as queer, which is great... But they still deny that being gay is ok let alone trans, so... Definitely not an institution I like to represent. 

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...I love that B keeps a few dollars in his car for The Unhoused... Instead of making fun of them or feeling superior. I never want to join a church and have to feel superior to others less fortunate than me... To gossip about someone's plights have always felt icky to me.

...everyone needs a good place to feel like home. Work feels like home... It feels consistent and safe... It's always changing, but the people running stuff, including myself, are good, high integrity people. I may miss the boat on people's flaws, but I try not to put others upon pedestals, anymore.... Consent is key... 

Real people have real problems... They don't need to be placed on a pedestal... They need good team mates... I understand that my bosses are flawed people and so are the other company members... But I know they are GREAT and GOOD people at heart... And that's why I work so hard. To match their integrity.

In my immediate family, I had never felt like I was apart of the same team...the same mission in life. ...until I found this company. 

I pride myself on being kind and safe for others to be themselves... I cannot stand liars. I loathe Clara.

...

"Don't let the facts get in the way of a good story." I'm sure my father lifted that quote from someone else, but it's pretty apt for what he believes now... 

...***

I had told him about his former firm and what their webpage looks like... This was about 5 years ago, but they had studded and bedazzled brassieres and braletts, touting "save the ta tas" ...which has been out of date about two years after it was out... The world would rather save the human, not the mammograms... Anyway...

Dad had complained that a bunch of middle aged white women run the firm now, and you can only get a position there if you are "gay, trans, or two-spirited" ...lololol. Ok. It was funny to me that we both thought that firm was ridiculous, but for drastically different reasons. He also complained that they put their pronouns in their email signatures ...

Which reminds me to change my signature after I finish this super long blog. 

...

Dads are supposed to teach friendship and protection and integrity. 

Actions have always spoken louder to me than words... I think Dad thinks I absorbed his words more than his absences... He wants to be more present in my life, but I'm still a queer autistic lady... Do I believe he respects women or autistics as equal? Lol no. 

...

B accepts and loves me as I am.... He is a good example of masculinity for me to admire and cultivate... 

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During my years of emotional aloneness, I needed a masculine energy. I needed to admire or hang onto a concept that would help me towards life... 2009 recession hit differently for me. I completely missed the recession, compared to my cohorts ... Everyone else was graduating from college, entering the workforce... And expecting to payoff their school debt immediately... 

I didn't have that debt. I didn't have that turmoil... I stayed in and binge watched SG1& Atlantis, Doctor Who, and MLP. I was going through postpartum depression really bad... I felt so worthless. 

Dad didn't visit until 3 ....years...later... 

If you're a father (or want to be) and godforbid a rapist rapes her...resulting in a pregnancy. Resulting in her almost dying whilst giving birth... Would you go to her side immediately? Especially after your exwife calls you to? ...or would you just send flowers and not show up physically until 3 years later? 

...

Yeah. I needed a masculine energy. I only had Doctor Who... And he's fictional. Lol. Still, a better example of a man than my own father... He called and sent money, but wishing for an emotional connection isn't the same as having one... 

............

Anyway... 

Brunch went as well as expected... 

The two questions I've always wanted to ask my father are 

1. Why didn't you fight for full custody or given us more of your income for support. Inflation is real... 

2. Why didn't you hop on a plane to come see me immediately? When I was giving birth and almost died? Why didn't you come support me? Sending flowers was nice, thanks. But I needed you... 

Like in childhood, he showed me who he was... Absent. 

 

...

Snow.