Bravery and Struggle

Peace is transitioning. I look forward to the day he lets me know he feels fully himself. I knew them before, but now B first met them as a transman, afab he/him. And he gets to experience him as a him... It takes my brain awhile to process such a change, but it is more a ... Long-coming identity, and not a switch kind of change. 

Like me coming out as queer, I was the last to know... Lol. My manager at the time (now coworker) had said he knew I was queer the moment he met me. ...what gave that away? Probably my bright ass hot pink curls and my space dress... But who can really know? 

I have struggled with identity and who I am in the world, most of my life. I have been assumed or mistaken for trans before, and I take it as a profound compliment. To go against such a rigid grain of silly society standards and the stupidity of such a limited dichotomy... 

A profound and unjustified judgement of how a human SHOULD live, let alone be perceived... For one to identify as something other than at birth... It is a type of bravery I possess, but not to that caliber. There is a strength in living as your true self that goes beyond gender norms... 

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My father is visiting next month and I'm... indifferent. I've come to the conclusion that my father will always choose his own ego and preservation over any others'. He keeps his problematic family--ie me and Sister--away from his problematic wife, G... Ol' Gerty gets her way... 

I am sure that if that man had remarried a liberal, they would've been liberal. He has no spine and doesn't defend those he claims to love and admire... He doesn't stand for the good of humanity... He represents oppression and ...

Let me reformat this thought. ...my father once attempted watching Game of Thrones. He said he didn't enjoy it ...fair enough. But I did pry as to why.... He had said that he liked the "main characters, but the twist at the end where the hero pushed a kid out the window and was sleeping with his sister?"

...the hero? 

.........my own father had thought that the blonde, relatively attractive, rich butt wipe was the "hero of the story." 

I think my dad still thinks he's the hero in my story. He speaks to me in a sad tone, implying that I am not doing enough with my life? Lol. 

He hasn't been the hero in my story for at least a decade... He knows how to throw money at a situation and then gossips to others about our plights. 

He has said that he voted for my generation to be able to buy a house... And I'm like... House? In this economy? 

I had to become my own hero. Am I well off? No. I'm poor, and I know if I state that with pride, my father would think less of me. My father and G despise poor people and fat people. They make comments at them, as if they have the right to speak ill of a stranger... It has always given me The Ick when he wanted to play He or She... Guess a stranger's gender ... 

I struggle with being in the moment with loved ones. I struggle with prioritizing myself and my needs. I struggle with maintaining those needs... And I struggle with leg strength, literally. I fear that I'll be more immobile someday... What will I do for work? Who will take care of me? 

B. 😍

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Once I knew how to be on a good team, fighting for the greater good (The Company)... Improv was pretty grand too... And then recognizibg such strong attributes in another human was easy. B is like the bosses I work for and with. High caliber people, high integrity, but authentically so... It's not empty or an act... There's no exploitation of others... 

I get really tired in my brain at the end of my work days... I look forward to a time where I can just melt into him after a rather stressful day ... He likes to cook for me, he can kill the uninvited pests for me, he is so clean!....he vacuums (still the sexiest thing he does without asking) ....I despise the sound, so I just avoid vacuuming. Not the best strategy ... But now I have him. 

I guess it's technically codependency? But life is getting harder to live on my own. Spaces are getting smaller and smaller to live ... I have two roommates, but they aren't really my people, nor do I have regular spoons for them. One of them is more of a taker, and I can't be around her for long because I spend myself at work... 

If I have spoons, I usually help out with taking out the trash and/or recycling, or taking her dog out in a walk ... Where he can sniff all the things, pee on said-sniffed things and poop in inconvenient leaves .....

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Bravery to do yourself right, in the moments of being small... That's a lesson that not many get to learn, let alone enact. And prove to themselves that they're worth taking care of...

I struggle a lot with this... It is difficult to make myself the priority, even though I've only had myself emotionally for all my life.... I've learned to not trust my immediate family because they each have a different approach to me... None of them has even learned how to be on the same team of mine....

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