The St. Louis Snow

Today (29th), I decided this morning would be the perfect time to completely change my life forever, fifteen years ago.  Just another day in this neighborhood of life where everyone around me acts normally. It's not like people ask. They just assume it's just another day in everyone else's reality, too... Just another Tuesday, in 2024. Going slowly. Forever in time as we speak... After I gave birth to them, I almost died. ... I'd make the exact same decisions bc I wouldn't miss my kid the way their mom misses them. How do I miss someone I only knew in time for two days? Someone without choice. Before I had total final withdrawal.... I knew it would be ok. I knew I was doing the right thing for myself. Both for their benefit and for myself. I didn't want to be bound to a city I outgrew. I didn't want to be stuck in a micro society where I was known as the slow kid. The cute ditz.... I didn't want to get stuck there with a baby with someone. Living with my...

The state of this country thrives on division. This isn't my notion of supporting the nincompoops who say "why can't we all just get along?" or All Lives Matter, bs... Like, how would you spin a Fool like Captain Skidmarks into power, annnnd gain traction with who he already was in youth. He has never had anyone tell him no.  It shows.  ....everyone has their own bubble of reality and their own version or interpretation of what reality is... and insists that EVERYONE ELSE wants that life, too.  I'm all for throwing dinner parties on the notion of consent and what things are. Is this a fancy dinner party where we are meeting about work....? Networking and getting further in life, redefining what success is and that it can vary from person to person.  I am a brilliant writer. I like and love to observe. I want to be wanted where I am, so I just assume I'm welcome until otherwise stated. I had seen a post on fb where "if a mediocre Whyte man does it without ...

Writing out that daily timeline really helped. I didn't get breakfast, but I did get up and going a lot easier.  Maybe Zoloft finally kicked in... Or maybe the anticipation of this weekend has got me ... Thinking there might be a better way to operate.  I'm definitely in burnout, but I'm super happy I have a stable job with full benefits so... There's that.  Emotionally, I'm seeing a few people and possibly starting a podcast with a friend. Idt anyone really reads these posts besides the few I mentioned above, and just when I ask about it. They give no indication otherwise, so I figure they don't.  ... I met a gentle giant recently. I am excited about him. He is very sweet and has a brain beyond his rippling pectorals.... So... Exciting. Lol.  ... Work is going well and social is going well. Existential dread averted for now. ... Snow. 

530 to 8am... Wake up Write stuff... Doomscroll 830a, alarm Dread. Procrastinating  915 ish... Get ready...  Shower. Dress. Make up and jewelry...  Not always shower... Sometimes food... Most times just water.... 940a, call for Uber/Lyft 10a work Usually coffee, no lunch... Sometimes snack.  Off by 430 to 630, 7. Depends on schedule/day Food? Sometimes.  Sometimes I have a social life! There's bowling on Wednesday. Sometimes I go out with friends or meet new friends. I really just know how to date but sometimes I don't know how to function as a friend. I think I live by montaging... The stories I tell myself to stay sane about family and about friends is deteriorating.  ...Disassociate for several hours... Social media. TV. I try to read or craft sometimes to do something else. Anything else... 11p ish, try to start to wind down. Pop a melatonin to quiet my brain.  My room is horrendously cluttered... I went from a whole household to a 10x10 room. I'm ...

Do you remember your bedroom growing up? I had a few.  Up until I was 10, I shared my room with my older sister... I had my own room, after that. I had a room at Dad's house, but it wasn't really my room... I had a few bedrooms at my mom's bc they changed so much... We moved a lot...  My room at Dad's was ...girlie and barren. Mom's was collectables and books. At Mom's, I decorated the border with pictures of old muscle cars from a calendar I used to get every Christmas. A lot LOT of Corvettes and mustangs and chargers... A few concept cars.  On my folding doors, I used wall putty to put up photos of family and friends. So I wouldn't feel so out of touch...  In HS, my mom got us each a phone line. She got sister a clear boring one, the whole casing and receiver was transparent.... But mine? She got me a '63 silver t top stingray. It was so cool! Tires got in the way sometimes but it made me very happy.  In Juno, when she had a cheeseburger 🍔 phone... I ...

Sometimes I wonder about how I'll die... I'm not having bad thoughts, I still want to live.... Like, most people don't get to choose their death, let alone afterlife ... Do we realize too late that we are in fact, in control of our own lives? I have been so much to other people, I am quite tired of being not myself, sometimes.  But how I want to live isn't apparently within the grasp of nothing I have built. I don't think I'm growing the way that I want. I want to instill better routines... Trust myself, again... How?  I want to write a book. And I want to write a few different books. ....now I'm complicating things again. I want to help kids understand the world... Autistic kids who don't think they're anything special. We are the original special! Special... Capital S...  The moment I stopped respecting my dad, was the moment he started openly protesting to vote for The Orange Skudmarks. Like... Gross. He isn't, "a flawed man," he is ...

I purposely bumped into an Ex's friend last night. I remembered afterwards that that was probably awkward. Not sure where they are now... Or where the ex is... I wonder what he tells people... Probably that I was a bitch and I didn't do anything. Lol. Which would be funny because he would omit the fact that he didn't do anything either.... Blow up at people like it's normal. Drink a lot... Ugh. We should've just remained friends... But I felt so lonely and so incredibly defeated. "Good luck, kid" is the last thing he actually said to me. So demeaning... Kid. ...kid?  I miss his goofiness... But then he'd dismiss mine or play devil's advocate, or just dispell my goofiness... Play. Playing is so important. He hated my bratty side... So I hid myself and cut out parts of myself bc I was with him, and I thought that's what he wanted... He never could explain his emotions without getting incredibly loud. It was super triggering and is something I am ...

I got groceries. I have sustainable food now... I have stuff for work snacks... And meals.  Talked about attachment styles and step mom trauma... In therapy today.  Going on a date right now... Will be interesting.  ... Playdate went very well. So ofc I'm second guessing everything and feel as if I crossed all the lines... Lol. I am researching storage units. I live in ...stuff. I am so tired of all this stuff. I want to not have so much stuff. I no longer want to live in so much stuff but I don't want to get rid of all these memories either... I'm just detaching myself. I really want to be able to propel myself... But into what life? I want so much for myself... But I'm unsure the next steps to this dance.  New playdate guy is... Authentic and real and caring. I seem to say the right stuff. So far so good. He is so incredibly handsome. And he's beautiful on the inside too. I lied to my therapist and my roommate... Not sure why. Maybe I wanted it a secret... Unsure ...

When I chose to start loving someone at the beginning of knowing them openly... Bc you yourself are so open with others... You present yourself one way and I accept you as you present yourself. It's refreshing to find it in others. I meet new people where I am all the time. I flirt with everyone. But my job gives me the best excuse to talk to people who do these events full time. Not Pride, persay... But being themselves. I am myself. ...or I try to be. Out in the open, in public, I like to be sober.  In private, I like to be inebriated. I like to loose control from time to time and not have to make any more decisions .... Is that normal? I like to talk to myself and write out thoughts like this or worse... Or just deeper. I'd rather have a good example of a good normal to be. With routines suited more for me than against. I'm unsure who I should treat as friends? And who is safe... Not always mutual.  ... But I'm not ok in my 10 by 10 room. I used to live in a househol...

Context... Milton is hitting ground Thursday morning. My family, Uncle, Aunt, and a cousin is there. ...it hit 30 miles south of them. They were lucky.  ... Empathizing with the notion of losing a sibling.... ............................ I don’t think I could comprehend life without my sister or my brother. Without my siblings. They were my first friends... but now there's a disconnect. I don’t know how to live life because I've always done my own thing... I tried doing their things... Live my life FOR dad... For the image of a functional family. But we are anything but ... Am I a loner? No one in my immediate family, understands me. I can't be my whole self... I cannot be confined to a box, lest a coffin.  But I don't know them anymore as friends... They don't know me. They won't accept me queer bc of Catholicism. I'm already very aloof. I don't want to be a burden to them but I also don't want to be trapped or give up my sanity. But then, are any o...

The thing about unmasking is that you start recognizing yourself in other people, mirroring their good...or bad. That's what mirroring is. I like to mirror from good examples. The thing is, I like to surround myself with good people, that I can trust and I can be myself around... Naked and vulnerable. I have to have one view of the world, and that is the belief in the good in other people. Otherwise, wouldn't you go insanely paranoid? Suspicious of everyone?  My brother in law is astounded with how Sister is so coherent with me. And he wonders why that is... It's almost like we mirror the good in each other? That I actually see her for her, and not whatever YOU think she's supposed to act like...  I really hope he stops disrespecting her in front of the kids. And I hope she stops yelling (probably like Mom did). Damaging her kids like Mom did us. Why do you think I gave my kid away? Remember? I didn't want to repeat our past pains for their front row seat. I wanted ...

Not too sure how people are supposed to act in public. I'm out at a table cloth establishment for my sister's birthday. The reservation is for 3 people in I guess the fancy side of Decatur.  I hate masking... it's like cosplaying an adult. Doing adult things. Being apart of humanity instead of just the work force. I def like helping people but am super glad I don't have to care for children all the time, anymore.  My waiter is named Blaze. Young people... What awesome names. Idk what name I wouldve wanted to go by. Maybe Zanzibar? I honestly didn't know it was a real place until much later. Lol.  Oops.  ... I hear all the sounds of the restaurant at once... Hyper aware of all the sounds... All at once but they don't bring me pain. I process pain much differently... T to e place was also freezing. I hate being cold... You start to question your sanity when you come to the grief of the realization you could've had a completely different life. Do I need to be a...

The start of life is difficult. I think a lot of people are discovering they didn't come from happy, balanced homes and to pretend that we did to save face... to keep up with the mythical Jones' is... damaging in the long run. I hope people like me also realize that even though our upbringing had so many red flags.... That it doesn't mean we deserved it.  The amount of love someone has to give their children isn't dependent on how much their child loves them back... But... If you don't show your kids enough affection or learn to talk to them and see them as individual brilliant stars, bright with hope and wonder... They will settle for some schmuck... always seeking that dopamine hit and the breadcrumbs of endorphins...  My brain wants to rewrite that as endolphins... There's a fishy mammal inside my head getting lost along the way to deliver happiness to the right place...  My dad never gave me the script of defending myself. I was told I was pretty and beautif...

I joined a bowling team. It's fun. Once a week, I bowl an alright game and then not so good the next... I honestly don't care about the score or my average.  I understand why people are competitive... But I really like the atmosphere that everyone is allowed to bowl, no matter the skill or technique level. Everyone is there to have fun.  The league leader is very fun. I love when they get dolled up ;) and I love their tattoos. Our team leader takes a picture at the end of every night. It's really sweet! It's been far in between being part of a team... It hasn't been a lot of that in my life. ...being on a united front. ... I don't understand gossip anymore. I understand why people gossip... And I certainly have before... But after awhile, it made me feel gross or wrong. The friends of Crickets would gossip about each other, to me, separately and it always made me feel really odd. Like, they're both complaining about basically the same thing... They weren...