Masked

The thing about unmasking is that you start recognizing yourself in other people, mirroring their good...or bad. That's what mirroring is. I like to mirror from good examples. The thing is, I like to surround myself with good people, that I can trust and I can be myself around... Naked and vulnerable. I have to have one view of the world, and that is the belief in the good in other people. Otherwise, wouldn't you go insanely paranoid? Suspicious of everyone? 

My brother in law is astounded with how Sister is so coherent with me. And he wonders why that is... It's almost like we mirror the good in each other? That I actually see her for her, and not whatever YOU think she's supposed to act like... 

I really hope he stops disrespecting her in front of the kids. And I hope she stops yelling (probably like Mom did). Damaging her kids like Mom did us. Why do you think I gave my kid away? Remember? I didn't want to repeat our past pains for their front row seat. I wanted a different life for my kid. I didn't want them to deal with my bullshit. 

Nephew is displaying signs of aggression and not paying attention. He's getting some exposure at school and that's great. But that kid 1000% has ADHD... And his dad ....well. I think they both have autism. I think he's displaying signs of dyslexia, but he's also still learning along with his peers in how to read, so ... I'm going to observe it. 
...

The price of admission in this family is to get married. And marry well! You can't get a divorce if you fuck up! And you gotta marry someone who appears to love you but never actually sees you as a person worth loving you the way that would feel like love to you... 

You gotta collect all the Catholic Pokemon to get into heaven. Isn't that how that works? What if your unwed offspring didn't get all the sacraments? 
...

Ya know the first emotion I most likely felt as a baby, from my dad? See, I was supposed to be a boy, it was 1986....the year we all started having a credit score... That's when I was born. A price tag just started counting the moment I was brought here to this reality... I check in with myself every so often, and I thoroughly enjoy being me so... I'm not that unhappy with my insides. I like living my life, however kinda lost? I think I'm finally feeling my footing. At least, I hope I'm betting on the right horse! 

But... Dad really wanted a boy. So... When he remarried, they had a son. Lol finally, a son.

Dad showered us with love and wit and sometimes we saw movies together... But we--his daughters--never got the level of attention that his son got ... It was really obvious. 

And poof! Brother was born. And all the fun stuff kinda petered out into the forest... When I hit 16, sister moved away to college and Brother moved across the country. I was without my brother for 3ish years. They never really valued me in his life; worth being around. They kept us separated as much as possible. Was I tainted? I was the second Mistake. The oops child with "an unfit adult" ....did I turn into an unfit adult for Dad's golden child? Instead of fighting for me... You chose different. 

Dad never chose us unless he tried using our apartment amenities once or twice... "My daughters live here." Yes, sir, but you don't. ... Lol

Mom told on him constantly. We were probably told about every shitty email war y'all had with each other. I don't remember any of the content... But really.... That's not the point. .... We got it loud and clear. The rules were, in order to be apart of the family, Dad was going to put more effort and time into... G and Brother. Third time's a charm. 


...

I will never be good enough for Dad. That weirdo didn't even bother going to MY confirmation. Brother is forgiven. His frontal lobe wasn't fully developed. I love you, Broseph. Forever. But Dad and G didn't even show up. Mom didn't either. I had invited my therapist at the time. It was fucked. She was shocked afterwards, learning that none of them showed up. 

...

And then... Brother's wedding 2019. ... When I was in the depths of wanting to not exist anymore... My father had the audacity to say... "Sit with other family." Lol. Me. The Groom's older sister. Lol. Dad had made a PowerPoint lifespan story montage of Brother and SIL. And ...it was beautiful and fun ... But... Sil's pictures have all their siblings.... Like... In all of Brother's pictures... We ....don't exist. We weren't there consistently... So... We didn't count to be there. Proof we existed in Bro's life. One photo. I had told Dad to put in more photos of us. I was proud of myself saying that to him... He added one more... the photo with my flustered hot face. I keep feeling othered by my own immediate family.... Maybe Sister feels the same way? But is she trapped? Like a zoo animal? 

I don't want to be confined to one place of living. Some of me wants to span between houses ... But why can't I just live like a stray cat? Bouncing from one house to another? Just like old times? Can't I be a professional muse? Asking the right questions? 


Shuffling between houses. Being able to plan my day. Make lists. Keep organized... I had a good system going of barely hanging on each day.... 

But then, a massive lock down... Unprecedented... 2020....

Quarantine terrified me and I was alone a lot.... Crying myself to sleep, knowing he couldn't hear me. I had been practicing silently sobbing next to him with hurt feelings, trying never to have him hear me, lest he awaken, I don't want him to yell at me. I never wanted to hurt him so I never brought up anything. Crickets. I remember trying to tell him about my day during dinner and he was "listening" but in his screen. Playing a phone game, usually. Talking with friends. He stopped being interested in what I had to say or wanted to know the thoughts that were creeping in. He stopped finding me fascinating... I thought we'd mirror each other... But I kept mirroring his bad habits of indecision and waiting for the other person's actions... Afraid of his reactions. They were always so loud and triggering... we would tip toe around the other person's feelings... Plausible deniability...

If you yell or are loud... I get triggered. Curse words? The worst! Calling me a cunt, that was Mom. Oh I'm sorry
.... Ungrateful Cunt. What a great day, that was.... I finally got a car, but it was mine. She wanted to "give" me her car, but it was an ashtray on wheels! I've been asthmatic since birth... Also she wanted to know where I was and who I was with... Lol. No. 

So I bought my own car. And my mom called me an ungrateful cunt. I wasn't a child. I was 27. I didn't get my license until I was 26. Used a friend's car to get it. Twice. Anyway... 

...
Moving was really traumatic. I feel safe here... I just know it is temporary... And I'm unsure how to proceed and do everything else, too... 

Every move is traumatic.

I am tired of trauma. 


Snow.



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