Put a Pin in It

I joined a bowling team. It's fun. Once a week, I bowl an alright game and then not so good the next... I honestly don't care about the score or my average. 

I understand why people are competitive... But I really like the atmosphere that everyone is allowed to bowl, no matter the skill or technique level. Everyone is there to have fun. 

The league leader is very fun. I love when they get dolled up ;) and I love their tattoos. Our team leader takes a picture at the end of every night. It's really sweet! It's been far in between being part of a team... It hasn't been a lot of that in my life. ...being on a united front.

...

I don't understand gossip anymore. I understand why people gossip... And I certainly have before... But after awhile, it made me feel gross or wrong.

The friends of Crickets would gossip about each other, to me, separately and it always made me feel really odd. Like, they're both complaining about basically the same thing... They weren't the type of friends I ever wanted to hang out with bc they'd complain about everything... And Crickets just was a total people pleaser and fawn over them just bc they've known each other so long. The stamina and friendship they share is unlike any friendships I yield, bc well ... Maybe I'm a recovering people pleaser myself. 

Crickets would withhold all information from his work, unless it was to complain. He never shared with me knowledge of his coworkers or celebrations... Just all the negativity. He stopped letting me into his life. I had to basically beg another person to be included in his discord... It was constantly going (fantasy football) and was very hard to keep up with... And they had all their own jokes... They never spoke about their emotions or deeper issues. It was just jokes and football... 

Did he think I just wanted to gossip? What would... Why? Who would I tell? I had zero friends outside of work... Kinda sad... I kept trying to include myself in his life, but the truth was, he never really wanted me apart of his... He wanted to control how much I was in his life... And now I'm not. And I'm... Happier? I'm not crying myself to sleep anymore (since March) so... That's something.

...

Mostly, I think gossip's enemy is the notion of glowing up your friends when they're not in the room. I know that not everyone will be my bestie or like me... But I think it's the rule of, treat others as you would treat yourself... What do you wish people spoke about you? I hope it's something like, she was kind, funny, and weird, and smelled of chocolate. Lol

...

My Uber ride from work to bowling was a whopping $27, including tip (at least 20% if I can). The driver was from Europe... He kept asking me questions about why I don't drive... I used to drive. But then I moved here... Owning and maintaining a car is...very overwhelming. Maintenance is almost always a surprise... parking. Gas. Keeping it clean. Driving it. Driving it well. Being aware of everyone else on the road... Ponce was a nightmare... My mind started wandering... And I'd drift to the next lane ... 

And I started missing blind spots. And I started making dumb mistakes. I couldn't hold it together anymore and I became a raging Bitch... I really didn't like myself like that. 

But I also understand that giving up that indepence is... Well, there's a price. I'm willing to ask for rides from friends and order ride shares to and from work ...about $10/trip... I'd take more MARTA, but my feet really hurt. Especially my left. Not sure what's going on. It's probably nothing, I'm just old. 

Not sure what I'll do in March when I have to move. No idea where I can go. It's not like I have money to do anything. 

...

What I've noticed is that the group I bowl with are a bit younger, but all of them attended colleges during the years in which the majority of that age group attended college... Their networking is of a higher income tax bracket than where I'm at... They have big adult jobs ... High paying $$$... Mortgages. Student Loans. Cars. .... And I'm just like, rubbing my two pennies together, wondering if it'll be enough for retirement (it won't). My brain just turns to mush when people start mentioning numbers and APRs and other stuff that doesn't pertain to me... Someday it might... Idk if I'll ever own anything... I wish there was more rent-to-own property. 

But I haven't an idea on how to live somewhere more permanently without help. Idk how to go back to school without a lot of help. Idk how to approach family or friends for more conversations... What I wish we could talk about is deep emotions... To explore trauma together... But I think I broke a generational curse.... But I eventually did the shadow work too... Therapy and journaling isn't too battle your demons... The work you put into them is so you can have them over for tea... 

It's like family wants to reach out with a funny story... But I make them too sad for a full conversation, I'm betting. And they never text back... Maybe they don't know how to respond to my lonely plea of family love... Maybe they're young and they have their own drama llamas going on... I get it. 

But my immediate family makes me feel like an alien... Sister didn't protect her sanity. I am fearful of becoming crazy if I walk a similar path. Idt I'll ever have what Brother has... At this rate, I'll never be the mom I always wanted to become. The mom a kid deserves...

I know if I become closer and let my guard down, Sister will hold something over me or try to control what I do, just like mom did/does. No boundaries, assumes bff. I don't want her to hold me in contempt or mother me ... She's forgotten how to just be a friend... But at the same time.... I miss her so much. I miss hanging out with her and Brother. 

I wish we had a better relationship. I wish I was somewhere more stable. I wish I had a better job and more money... More flexibility. I'd earn my keep with cleaning... 

Crickets said he was clean... But I just don't believe him. He never cleaned his bathroom and when I cleaned it, there was no respect in keeping it clean. In the beginning, I would try to keep up with laundry, but then he'd say "don't have a freak out..." ....but then he'd never help out to ease my brain. 

Am I so damaged that I'll never have that partnership with someone where it's wanted? Where there's trust and belief and patience? Where I am wanted? Where we are worked on? Where there's an example of healthy living and loving? 

...

Idk if anyone really reads these. If you do, DM me on FB of your favorite emoji... I was going to say "send me a pickle 🥒" but I didn't want the euphemism... 

Snow.