Tuesday

Not too sure how people are supposed to act in public. I'm out at a table cloth establishment for my sister's birthday. The reservation is for 3 people in I guess the fancy side of Decatur. 

I hate masking... it's like cosplaying an adult. Doing adult things. Being apart of humanity instead of just the work force. I def like helping people but am super glad I don't have to care for children all the time, anymore. 

My waiter is named Blaze. Young people... What awesome names. Idk what name I wouldve wanted to go by. Maybe Zanzibar? I honestly didn't know it was a real place until much later. Lol. 

Oops. 

...

I hear all the sounds of the restaurant at once... Hyper aware of all the sounds... All at once but they don't bring me pain. I process pain much differently... T to e place was also freezing. I hate being cold... You start to question your sanity when you come to the grief of the realization you could've had a completely different life. Do I need to be a mother to feel valued? 

No. I am a valuable member of society, even though I don't feel like I fit in anywhere I am. 

When I used to frequent the establishment in which Crickets works, I'd hang out with the wait staff. Maybe I feel awkward because it's dead here. I'm used to being on the other side of the restaurant life? Wait staff is just standing around talking about their lives. What else are you going to do? 

It's a Tuesday. 

My sister is 40. I wonder if she's happy with her life? I know what the answer is. She wants me to go to church and meet a guy. And marry them after 1 year of knowing them... Lol. 

But maybe if I can figure out what's wrong with me, I can figure out what's wrong with her. Help her home. Maybe if she can find her way back to sanity, she'll be herself again and I can have my sister back. Is that selfish? I just want her to be herself again.... She's in there somewhere. 

Anxiety is a bitch. Not sure why there's always this weird pressure before you're 40, you're supposed to have done something... Not sure why there's such a big looming cloud. Were we supposed have ... idk figured out a cure for cancer? Saved a soul? How about the human race? Too late. But what story with Father utilize when he's bragging about his kids? When he'd sooner throw them under the bus for a quick laugh or a good story, than the truth.... Even though it's super ugly. He never gave us a negative emotion... Except when they were intense... Oh dad... I remember everything. I have autism. It's there... All the memories, good and bad. They made me who I was...am! Wouldn't change it for the world. I am on this planet for a reason... To experience it and tell stories. Just like your old man, and mine. 

Ignoring the feelings don't negate them... Or give them less power. In fact, it amplifies. Might learn how to mask, but your nervous system doesn't forget.... It hangs on. Adapts, maybe... But does not cure. 

I tell people I'm autistic and some people cringe. Some people celebrate and give me lots of eye contact. I wonder if they learn that in their classes to learn more about their kids that might have it. Compassioate people? Maybe. Empathetic. Some people ...buy me sensory boards. I fucking love it, don't change! But good lord, don't forget your shots... Seriously. Lol. I miss your face. You know who you are. 

There's a new interesting friend. He is very emotionally deep. I am looking forward to fun conversations! Hope you brought your snorkel for some spelunking... 

...

Milton. Helene erased part of the inland of the states. 

I wish I could move out of the states. I'm quite done with our weird way of life. I wonder how many people would openly admit to being autistic out in the world, and statistically where are the most happy autistics....? Wouldn't that be cool ....I bet it's somewhere people are more understood ... Every group has toxicity. 

Lol. 

Typicals.... setting standards no one but one can meet.... Sounds familiar.

I am exuding a lot of energy right now... I wonder if it's noticable as I wait for Sister.

Snow.