Understandings

Context... Milton is hitting ground Thursday morning. My family, Uncle, Aunt, and a cousin is there. ...it hit 30 miles south of them. They were lucky. 

... Empathizing with the notion of losing a sibling....

............................

I don’t think I could comprehend life without my sister or my brother. Without my siblings. They were my first friends... but now there's a disconnect. I don’t know how to live life because I've always done my own thing... I tried doing their things... Live my life FOR dad... For the image of a functional family. But we are anything but ... Am I a loner? No one in my immediate family, understands me. I can't be my whole self... I cannot be confined to a box, lest a coffin. 


But I don't know them anymore as friends... They don't know me. They won't accept me queer bc of Catholicism. I'm already very aloof. I don't want to be a burden to them but I also don't want to be trapped or give up my sanity. But then, are any of us sane? We're all just angsy teenagers who got older. We all have to choose the life we want by the time we're 25 or we lose the game. Lol. We might be older, but we're exhausted. We don't know what to do. Sorry, GenZ... 


I was always able to have a conversation with my siblings, and they could understand me. Sister is a beautiful person. But I can't even begin to fathom life without her. I have to go find her...if I can figure out all my traumas, maybe I can help her… but I never wanted to give up my life for hers. I must protect my sanity. But I can't even imagine losing a sister. Losing a sibling. That’s like losing an appendage… someone who was always supposed to get me. That was what I thought a friend was… but I was so unaware...

The goal is to never be an expert in anything, least of all love…and by extension, grief. I'm tired of being tired.

…

My number one fear is losing the ability to take care of myself. It is very overwhelming... I don’t think I have the ability to go anywhere. I don’t have a plan if anything fails in my life…. Things are falling apart. I've had one drastic change after another and it’s been an incredibly hard transition period. And it is hard to talk to all different kinds of people all at once with really bright lights and you're supposed to keep track of numbers and scores. I wish I knew my average in bowling.

Social suicide is wishing to not be here at all… to step into another reality. I didn't want my life to be over, but I want to start being myself and actually having friends who stick around... Who support. Who can tell me when I'm saying something fucked up. I don’t want to be in this reality anymore if I am to live life without a sibling. There is so much trauma in my life. 


…there's times where I am happy I gave my kid up, because I don’t think I could've survived the county of St. Louis….knowing that they were right there… and then I was gone.... I never wanted them to have to absorb my intense feelings and think that they were the reason...

I can't fathom the pain of losing a child. I have hope and wonder…. And wishing. But I'm not ready to be without.

No one in my family really understands me. They love me, I have no doubt. But they don't really want to know how I am. How incredibly lost and overwhelmed I am. How difficult I find it to ask to go to the grocery store. My mother told me to not stay in my room all the time. And I don't. I hang out with the dog. Sometimes I talk with my roommate... But it's too much money to go out all the time for fun. I ride share everywhere bc attention spans and money... And safety. 


People get busy. Younger people are easier to hang out with bc they are without a lot of responsibilities. And they always find me fascinating. They give me a lot of external praise... Which is great for my ego... But it never sustains. I hate being self aware... I wish I could go back but then... I'd still be an asshole. Nobody wants that. 


I am going to the park to draw and picnic with Chefs son. It great to feel like just a friend to someone who just likes me and it's not sexual. I love sex, don't get me wrong... But being liked for my core, for my soul... That's rare. I hope we get to stay friends. And I trust myself bc the understanding is a deep respect for his mom, and is greater than any other feeling. I don't have anyone else I can ask to go do that stuff with, without it turning sexual. 


I have AuDHD.... I have autism and ADHD. They work against each other a lot. But being seen through and talked to like they talk to all others is... Relaxing. Chefson is kind and innocent and understanding. He's seen some shit and witnessed a lot like I have... But he seems to keep going. And I admire that. 


I like to surround myself with people I admire in some way. How else do I gather examples on how to be a good person? 


Snow.

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