That's a Wrap

The start of life is difficult. I think a lot of people are discovering they didn't come from happy, balanced homes and to pretend that we did to save face... to keep up with the mythical Jones' is... damaging in the long run. I hope people like me also realize that even though our upbringing had so many red flags.... That it doesn't mean we deserved it. 

The amount of love someone has to give their children isn't dependent on how much their child loves them back... But... If you don't show your kids enough affection or learn to talk to them and see them as individual brilliant stars, bright with hope and wonder... They will settle for some schmuck... always seeking that dopamine hit and the breadcrumbs of endorphins... 

My brain wants to rewrite that as endolphins... There's a fishy mammal inside my head getting lost along the way to deliver happiness to the right place... 

My dad never gave me the script of defending myself. I was told I was pretty and beautiful all my life, but I never held any merit in aesthetic beauty... It is literally skin deep. Especially through school, I've known a lot of beautiful people who were incredibly mean and cruel to me and I hadn't an idea of why... I hope they've healed... But beauty isn't everything. Character and integrity and passion and maturity... 

I was told my entire childhood, that there'd be a line out the door... For my hand in marriage... That was my only duty... To find a husband... So I dated and drank and got fucked in my early 20s... But it didn't hold a lot of meaning until later... Later, like, recently... I discovered that I should've done a lot more for my own well being. 40 is hanging over me and it feels like a pressure to perform... To conform to common core... 

I have a front row seat to my sister's marriage and they're always defeated and depressed. Sister settled for a daily life she was never mentally prepared, bc it's what's expected. She's frazzled and probably doesn't have a lot of friends. She blames others. And I can only imagine that she feels and acts like Mom when she's horrendously angry... Which, if she did shadow work like me, she'd discover that THAT was traumatic. When Mom or G blew up, it was traumatic. Dad standing on the sidelines to teach us where our tails go and how to suture our wounds and massage scar tissue.... Never helped our confidence and learning to stand up for ourselves.... We were learning people pleasing... And that's never good. 

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Having ADHD annnnnnd autism is exhausting! It's emotionally draining inside my head. I love talking with new people! Which is probably why my autism was undiagnosed bc my beauty and my ability to talk to people, looking them in their eyes... Can't do it during more intimate moments but I'm working on it. 

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My partner has been sick lately so I attended a meet n greet event, solo. It went really well. I made a lot of new friends! 

I've learned to believe in what I'm good at.... My analogies are brilliant. I initiate conversations and ask interesting questions... I listen well. My metaphors are exquisite. My way of abstract thinking is great. My ability to recall movie titles and premises and character developments... I'd love to be on a movie podcast. 

I'd love to talk openly about all my traumas, on the slim, off-chance of helping at least one person with my stories... even if it's just laughing with/at me. I want to help others understand. 

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I met some very friendly, wonderful people last night. A safe haven for little weirdos like me. It really means a lot to find one's people... I never thought it would happen for me. I was always supposed to go to church and find community that way... But I just never felt like I fit in. And it doesn't feel forced.... 

I came out as queer last year (2023) and am quietly opening up to people who are seemingly indifferent. Lol. Mutual love is great. There's a part of me who wants to "fuck shit up" by telling people in my WHOLE family that I'm gay. I'm thinking a holiday email with updates for everyone and then at the end in the P.S. state that I'm gay. 

Apparently we had a great aunt who lived close to Boston, who had a "roommate" for 40 years.... I can't be the only queer.

Idk if I want to be that cheeky with it... But apparently I've assumed this mantle of untouchable strength that supercedes my father's... I only have his family. Mom's? None. G's? Not really... Dad's... pending. None of them really keep up with me... I call Cousin S from time to time and he and I gab about xyz, sometimes family stuff... But I know he always has my back. Cousin E shared a memory with me the other day and it was sweet, but... It wasn't supposed to be more than that, I guess? I'm not supposed to chat with him beyond whatever he has time for... He was just sharing a memory... My bad. I tried to reach out to Cousin M a few times, but he's busy with school. Maybe he just doesn't want to hang out with his weird older cousin? I get it. We are basically down the street, though. I don't understand... Life just gets busy.

Now that Grandpa has transitioned, finally to join Granna... I feel like the people who will be hurt by such gay news, need to have their own trauma reconciliation. If I'm not myself soon, I think I'm going to scream... I need to crawl out of this skin... Try on a suit of acceptance... I feel like it's time to step out onto stage because I'm ready to just plunge into reality... Of what is, truly... And what I'd love to become. I hope I don't lose family over it... But it's not like anyone keeps up with me, anyway.

I hope I can regain the confidence somehow. 

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Chef's son is at a lumberjack convention somewhere in the Midwest right now. I'm really glad he got to go. I'm sure the storm would've obliterated that dream. 

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Helene wiped Ashville from existence... They're liking it to Katrina... But the size of these storms are what's the most frightening to me. People who don't believe in global warming and think it's just prolonged El Niño... Lol. These storms are getting bigger. Science suggests they are going to continue to grow in strength and size over the next few years... Traveling more inland bc intertia is real... And inland communities aren't ready for that level of geographical devastation and flooding.    

Atlanta's odds just went up. Savannah will probably be underwater permanently in the next fifty years ... So. Fun things to ponder /s.

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Snow.