Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder about how I'll die... I'm not having bad thoughts, I still want to live.... Like, most people don't get to choose their death, let alone afterlife ... Do we realize too late that we are in fact, in control of our own lives? I have been so much to other people, I am quite tired of being not myself, sometimes. 

But how I want to live isn't apparently within the grasp of nothing I have built. I don't think I'm growing the way that I want. I want to instill better routines... Trust myself, again... How? 

I want to write a book. And I want to write a few different books. ....now I'm complicating things again. I want to help kids understand the world... Autistic kids who don't think they're anything special. We are the original special! Special... Capital S... 

The moment I stopped respecting my dad, was the moment he started openly protesting to vote for The Orange Skudmarks. Like... Gross. He isn't, "a flawed man," he is the definition of a fool. He is a babbling bafoon... And you voted for him? He's the golden calf, you bozo... What a dink! He's a traitor... He's actively cheating on his wife... He's a convicted felon, he's a ...an alleged... RAPIST... And you wanna say... "HE'S A FLAWED MAN?!!" Lol. 

You're betting on the wrong horse, man... You're voting for an Imbecile... Capital I.... what will be the story of you? Where do you want your life to proceed? 

How do you process the trauma? The grief of what could have been if I had had help sooner, in my life? Mom was the one that blocked me, not my dad. She was insane... Why didn't he fight for full custody if he thought her so incapable, or thought her "unfit for a reliable adult" in the context of giving gifts and spending time with Brother? ...I didn't understand then what I do now. 

There's that big bold line in this family, we're never supposed to acknowledge but we feel it... We radiate the trauma like radar, on the screen... We are the Mistakes. The first borns who had no rights growing up, but absorbed all the responsibilities... I thought it was because we were older, and his sisters... I didn't know it was pre programming for what my parents expected of me in adulthood... I don't want to take care of another baby ever again. Spend time.... Hold... Hangout/play? Yes ... But raise and make decisions? How do you life with that level of knowledge...

The world is heating up and the last thing we need is to add more babies to the population... There are enough babies. 

...
Snow.



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