Daily Thoughts

530 to 8am... Wake up
Write stuff... Doomscroll

830a, alarm
Dread. Procrastinating 

915 ish... Get ready... 
Shower. Dress. Make up and jewelry... 
Not always shower...
Sometimes food... Most times just water....

940a, call for Uber/Lyft

10a work
Usually coffee, no lunch... Sometimes snack. 

Off by 430 to 630, 7. Depends on schedule/day
Food? Sometimes. 

Sometimes I have a social life! There's bowling on Wednesday. Sometimes I go out with friends or meet new friends.

I really just know how to date but sometimes I don't know how to function as a friend. I think I live by montaging... The stories I tell myself to stay sane about family and about friends is deteriorating. 

...Disassociate for several hours... Social media. TV. I try to read or craft sometimes to do something else. Anything else...

11p ish, try to start to wind down. Pop a melatonin to quiet my brain. 

My room is horrendously cluttered... I went from a whole household to a 10x10 room. I'm on my own for the first time in my life; it's scary AF and I tend to shut down when overwhelmed. Anxious attachment to my fucking life. Lol..... 

I want to reach out and ask for handouts from the parents who are broken and will weaponize me needing them. And so I don't reach out... My sister and her family are conservative Catholics and they are... Not safe for weirdos like me. They also have their hands full, and none of me wants to add to their troubles. So I don't reach out. They don't teach their kids bodily autonomy or consent... Or even beyond the notion that BIL is the head of a household... Lol. He's very whiney for a man. I do not like him as a person, and I find that family incredibly triggering to be around... A lot of flashbacks. I wonder if Sister feels the same way and shuts down bc of it? Or lashes out? She's miserable and I'm helpless.

...

I live in a nice house. With a nice person and the goodest boy doggo ever... I'll pick up his poop over living with a partner ever again, anytime soon. 

My brother and his family are not only conservative Catholics... But he's the Golden Child. My folks (his mother and Our Dad) made it abundantly clear that I am not to bother them or burden them... I was almost deinvited to Brother's wedding.... I am not to bond with him or make friends with him. I miss him a lot. His mom is extremely dismissive and an ableist... I don't ever expect an apology... But after complaining about her to my therapist, my Doctor goes, "that woman is delusional" ..... Lol ....pretty sure I won that round of therapy.

Trauma!

...

There's an Orville and Black Mirror episode about the dangers of social media becoming it's own "functional" society... Scary stuff...


...
I want to do better... But getting up and starting the day is a hard consistency to do without someone right there keeping me on track? That's immaturity, right? I want to be better... I just. Fail.

I've realized that I don't have a lot of friend making skills and my spoons are a little spent every day. I think it's from borrowing from the next day..  lol. Sometimes I wake up spent. Ugh. 

Dating skills? Great! I'm charming and friendly... Witty. Funny. Kind. Open, but guarded. I've fumbled a few times in this new lifestyle. I still want to give a bearded nerd dude who wants to be in a committed relationship with me... Not some idolized version of me as wife and a mother. 

I like how some people I follow on social media has mapped out a healthy timeline of getting to know someone before actually establishing a relationship... That most people who are worth it are 3 to 6 months before anything seriously develops. Mind blown...

I was taught to date to find husband... Within a year. Lol. That's what happened to Sister. And she's miserable. I want to help her and BIL is rude and condescending towards her, in front of the kids... Recycling the generational trauma. ...
...

All my piles pile up... They feel like mountains of weight. Of things I need to do but don't... I just don't think I trust myself. Look at where I am. I don't think I'm worthy to be with romantically or to befriend, in general. I don't have a lot of money... If you throw a party, please provide food. If we go out ... Can we eat? 

The phrase, "you have the life you want" ... always bothered me.... What happens when you finally wake up in this world with the past shit your younger self accumulated? I hate getting advice from friends who have been with the same, one person for 10+ years... Like... HOW DO YOU KNOW? The level of loneliness and self awareness. Saving money is staying in... Staying in also isolates me... 

I've kept everyone at arm's length. That's apparently safer. But how do you ask for that help? 

I kinda want a storage unit so I can put all this excess stuff away without so much worry. I wonder if I could get a parent to pay for it... It would relieve so much stress not to be under so much stuff...
...

It's nearing 1am. My promise to myself is that it's never 3am unless I don't work the next day. 

I have to be careful and remember to take melatonin... Otherwise I tend to get the ADHD zoomies after midnight. 

I'm actually a Gremlin... I escaped. 



Snow.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Picked (allegory)

I kept swiping left on the iPurg app, Pick-a-Parent . All the profiles of people had previous, successful, and happily-placed souls, and they were looking for more. I don't take such decisions lightly. I like to take my time, even though that wasn't a tangible element to consider right now. These profiles were quaint, but not quite the feel for what I wanted for a lifetime around the Sun. I just kept swiping left; no one was clicking into place. No one was feeling right.  The way a company likes to exploit The Unborn as a franchise is as dystopian as it gets. Takes a Lifetime, but you'll get it, eventually! Most of these placements are chaotic. Yet, some are meticulous. Sometimes, We suffer enough to earn the Right to choose. As I kept scrolling through the app, not one person or situation hit that craving; that ache of need; that massive desire for drastic change; that lesson I've yet to grasp; that nerve ending of a proverbial scratch. Every Swiped-Left seemed too inv...
Read more

Snowing

Alright folks. Strap in. Please read "Unsure" for context.  Came out to my dad last week, then Atlanta froze over. I was at my friend Red's house during those Snow days! I've known him 8 years, and I'm so fucking happy we've maintained good friendship.  Anyway, my father sent me an email a few days ago.... I didn't read it until last night, bc I wanted a friend to be with me as I read it aloud and for the first time. My dad writes well... But ... So incredibly dismissive. My father is like me in that emotions are easier to describe through written words, taking my time to explain my thought process.  My father cannot get on my intellectual level. I am autistic, my needs are a lot, but I get overwhelmed and burnt out thinking and deciding what to do next. It would be cool to be able to live with friends and be as comfortable as a family. But I didn't know how to form those connections because I was never modeled healthy community, with respect and witho...
Read more

Laundry

I started this blog because I didn't have anyone to talk to about deeper feelings... About trauma that has happened and I didn't have anyone to share or confide in.  I always feel out of touch or out of sorts around others. Like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to or I'm not enough to keep up with. My other cousins just don't understand when I talk about all the hurt and I feel wrong about talking about it... But it feels like in this family we aren't supposed to talk about all the trauma bc it makes everyone look bad... On the off chance that something bad happens to me and I cease to exist, I want a record of feelings to be somewhere. A record of the atrocities my sister and I have endured... A reason why we are fucked up or "not doing what we are supposed to."  I was supposed to graduate college, find a husband to fix me, have kids, become everyone's caretaker.... And I didn't do that. I didn't really do any of that. I am exhaust...
Read more