Chance of Triggers

I purposely bumped into an Ex's friend last night. I remembered afterwards that that was probably awkward. Not sure where they are now... Or where the ex is... I wonder what he tells people... Probably that I was a bitch and I didn't do anything. Lol. Which would be funny because he would omit the fact that he didn't do anything either.... Blow up at people like it's normal. Drink a lot... Ugh.

We should've just remained friends... But I felt so lonely and so incredibly defeated. "Good luck, kid" is the last thing he actually said to me. So demeaning... Kid. ...kid? 

I miss his goofiness... But then he'd dismiss mine or play devil's advocate, or just dispell my goofiness... Play. Playing is so important. He hated my bratty side... So I hid myself and cut out parts of myself bc I was with him, and I thought that's what he wanted... He never could explain his emotions without getting incredibly loud. It was super triggering and is something I am avoiding. I will never mistake that bitter sadness again... 

I destroyed a friendship by talking about my feelings online instead of to him. It was easier to tell everyone... Instead of him. I'm not that sorry, honestly. Crickets destroyed my self worth and defeated my shine ... I thought I was doing everything right... But we have our own issues to work on... I hope he's well. I am better off without him. ...but am I? 

Control is a funny thing. What do you think you're in control of vs what you actually have control over.... So ... 

..
I met up with a new friend last night at a doodle and drink event. It was interesting. And fun. I mostly had a great conversation with new friend's friend, too. But it was expensive getting there and back... I'm avoiding that side of town... Avondale/Decatur. Too many memories... 

Idk how to tell new friend that they live in the complex where I was raped. 

They were wearing a light blue hoodie and I was wearing a light blue hoodie the night of the incident, early February 2009... I did the walk from JJ's to the apartment complex, the one I'm sure they do all the time... 

....
Just a light smattering of triggers. Lol. No big deal. 

Snow. 

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