Forty Eight Hours

Today (29th), I decided this morning would be the perfect time to completely change my life forever, fifteen years ago. 

Just another day in this neighborhood of life where everyone around me acts normally. It's not like people ask. They just assume it's just another day in everyone else's reality, too... Just another Tuesday, in 2024. Going slowly. Forever in time as we speak...

After I gave birth to them, I almost died.

...

I'd make the exact same decisions bc I wouldn't miss my kid the way their mom misses them. How do I miss someone I only knew in time for two days? Someone without choice. Before I had total final withdrawal.... I knew it would be ok. I knew I was doing the right thing for myself. Both for their benefit and for myself. I didn't want to be bound to a city I outgrew. I didn't want to be stuck in a micro society where I was known as the slow kid. The cute ditz....

I didn't want to get stuck there with a baby with someone. Living with my mother... I didn't want to repeat my history. I knew what my childhood was... None of me wanted that nonsense for my kid... That's how that works. It was different with me but I just didn't want to be another cog in the county of a Midwest town. Is that everything it has to offer? Using a child for currency? To get things in life? I'm sure that's what some people do... I just couldn't join the club. I lost friends over that decision. And so...  

There's no place for a childless woman. I have zero value in my immediate family. Our dad is emotionally stunted and my BIL is just now figuring out this trauma is shared by my sister. 

That's wrong, right? How much guilt and remorse should I have to turn into worthiness of existence? What do the Catholic scrolls say? /s

...
29th, 2024, 
I hung out with a friend. It was nice. Therapeutic. But just... didn't hit like it was used to. There was no discussion of parenthood or emotional connection. It was just... Normal. 

Not what I wanted. I think it's time to shine. Are people ready? 

I regret never having a ritual on their birthday... Is it just another day?

...
30th was ok. Worked. Bowled. Wore Snow Who cosplay (Snow White and Doctor Who)... Comfortable. Layered. It was fun seeing other people's costumes. We were supposed to vote for best costume, implying to vote for yourself... I just wrote elvish princess... There's another bowler on another team... She was very pretty. Looked like an extra from LOtR... Glorious. 

...
31st.
Halloween. Adoption day. I signed over my rights to their parents 15 years ago. That's it. That's where my story with them ended. I regret not taking more photos of myself when pregnant... I just didn't want to be reminded... That was the time I was pregnant. I have stories... 

Idk if I want to be pregnant again or even that I trust my body. I gave birth and hemorrhaged... Maybe I wasn't supposed to continue this reality? Maybe I already died? Maybe I was supposed to sacrifice my life all the way? 

I don't wish that now, btw.... 


I've been invited out to Decatur by the in laws, for a Halloween block party... I am so tired today. Not having a good day. Existential crisis to 11. I miss Crickets, today. I could've used a really good hug... I wonder if he misses me, too?
...

I may have lost my new water bottle and my work key... And a safety pin decorative purse clip things I've had literally since 2006... Unsure what to do... I'm trying not to be super bummed... 

***I also lost something I've had since I made it in 2011. I had promised to give it to my future husband... I'm sad that I lost a piece of myself, but I think it's time to move on from trying to find the one person for me, and figure out myself, instead.***

....I did find my water bottle... Silver lining. 

.................

Do I trust myself with anything? 

Snow. 


...
Would I have a horrible mother if they have already transitioned and I didn't feel it at all? Idt I could come back from that. 

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