The St. Louis Snow

I think I've been missing writing to you. My anger and sadness and disappointment in you was always the suffering you put me through. The worries and the "not talking to me kinda bs."  I had trusted you with my heart to make me feel loved, Crickets. I learned how to love you, but you never mirrored my enthusiasm ... I know now that I have to have boundaries and standards to filter out the big galoots from the worthy individuals.  Whenever I was upset, I'd try to write him bricks of text explaining why I was feeling my feels and he'd get mad at me for not being able to talk to his face... The one with the disgusting mouth and stinky body and loud bark.... I tended to shut down and shut off during confrontations, and then forget whatever we had discussed/argued about.  . "That's not my fault" was probably said a lot in your own head but never thought to say it outloud so I could hear you... So we could talk out feelings... connect. You'd also refer...

If I hide parts of myself, I won't get hurt, again. But I think I'm ready. I'm armed with boundaries and defensive vocabulary. I've befriended very good people outside of work and classes. I think I'm ready to get out there again and date seriously?  I know what I want. I want to find a dynamic, I want to date someone with a spine, I want to explore creativity with others, find a more suitable living situation (current roommate is very kind and patient, and tolerable... Nothing is wrong)... I want more friends and I want connection with other like-minded people. I feel like I over compensate or show off or say the wrong thing...  ... If I'm the only one planning anything, I get very sad. I like to be thoughtful and useful, and I like to think others would reciprocate, but that's all just assumed behavior. Maybe it's an autism thing... Does everyone else have someone to confide in, besides themselves? Do others share their deeper inner thoughts with their...

I have often wondered what we would've learned from the journal entries of the great minds of literature in the last few centuries if they had been made public for society to consume.  What were their lives like? What were they worried about? Comedy is modern philosophy. What a time to be alive... ... The threats in the current society are AI, WWIII, war in general, and white nationalists. It's a frozen cold war, purely waged online. The algorithms are owned by white nationalists and are pushing christian ideals really hard. ... Doctor Who even made the implication of Jesus canon to its metaverse...  The powers-that-be have divided us lowly peasants to fight among ourselves. But what if we did stand up together? What if we could lock arms and fight?  We came together and nixed the idea of remaking The Princess Bride. Why can't we come together on other things in reality like basic human rights? If you want more safe spaces, you must invite and welcome new standards of kin...

I think what I struggle with is asking for help. No one around me, growing up, was around enough to instill constant good examples to learn from, on how to be me and still function in this world... How to know thyself without sacrificing myself has been a struggle. I moved every 14 days from when I was 6 to when I was 15? Like.... Idk what kind of life my father thought I had, but damn.... It wasn't a Norman Rockwell painting....  For him, there must've been so much loud yelling in a family of five (plus 2 adults. One worked a lot, and one was sick a lot. ~1950s). They were middle class Floridians from the north, and New England.... They went where there were cheap jobs and good weather, and I'm assuming, cheap land... Catholics? Great. Let's make more. Lol I have been plagued by the obligation of keeping all this fucking stuff.... Family-made heirlooms and other priceless stuff I can't just throw away ... I'll need it later ... But then, I can't keep moving...

I'm unsure how to ruin good moments; speaking up for myself;… I've been so programmed to care what others thought first, that I never realized what to say or how to explain poor judgement or actions... . Most NTs don't care about what one does, as long as you take care of their property or pets. And I feel like I've Dishonored both.  ... It was about 60F outside today, with a cool breeze and very little bugs. It was nice soaking up the sun out in the yard, writing out some emotions that were drudged up to my surface the last few days... I was about to go inside and get ready for a thing me and my roommate were going to attend, she apparently was inviting her other friend to it, too... It was a clothing swap, and I feel incredibly bad for changing everyone's plans last minute.  I got my monthly pains yesterday, about an hour before my shift ended... I thought about cancelling plans, when Wolf messaged me, inquiring if he'd see me last night. Big motivation. Lol. ...

Anxiety is a voice inside me creating worst case scenarios so I'm prepared for when the world collapses... But the world could crumble... Who is standing in it with you? Who would you want to spend the last moments of breath...  Who would you want to be with? Who would you want to spend your precious moments on this earth, with?  I have a lot of friends, some closer than others .. But I wish I could have another partner. A main partner. A best friend... Someone I could look after as they look after me. Someone who has my back and someone I can trust and rely on like they can, me... Someone who is emotionally healthy.  ... I'd love to read the personal journals or Jane Austen and Emily Dickinson... Staunch Queers of their time. They never wanted men. I don't blame them. There's a lot of sadness/emotional dysregulation out there, and I certainly don't blame anyone... Society and dating is rough out there! Let alone being "poly" .... Those Victorian writers w...

If I were God, I'd simply walk the streets in the city, being kind, and caring towards all people. I don't think I have that type of patience... Do you think God really wants us to be so unhappy or so depressed all the time? The people I follow the example of, the people I'd rather spend my finite time with on this green earth, are those that respect me equally. They're everyone I've ever worked with (/for, recently), at least.  Work is where I spend my time the most, unfortunately. I'd like to be able to work somewhere and not feel less than, in anyway. It goes a long way, feeling useful, but it really means the world to me to not be stuck in front of a screen all day, working with people energizes me... And my company's owners trust me, which is pretty stellar, even considering my limitations ("you're really good with people, I want you to work Friday and Saturday at the shop" ...highest compliment)  Feeling equal to, ya know? I mean, the lev...