"Love?"

I think I've been missing writing to you. My anger and sadness and disappointment in you was always the suffering you put me through. The worries and the "not talking to me kinda bs."  I had trusted you with my heart to make me feel loved, Crickets. I learned how to love you, but you never mirrored my enthusiasm ... I know now that I have to have boundaries and standards to filter out the big galoots from the worthy individuals. 

Whenever I was upset, I'd try to write him bricks of text explaining why I was feeling my feels and he'd get mad at me for not being able to talk to his face... The one with the disgusting mouth and stinky body and loud bark.... I tended to shut down and shut off during confrontations, and then forget whatever we had discussed/argued about. 

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"That's not my fault" was probably said a lot in your own head but never thought to say it outloud so I could hear you... So we could talk out feelings... connect. You'd also refer to me as a bitch or something else defeating, in your head.... It was really disheartening when you told me that... The level of disrespect I would take over and over again... "It kills me inside to hurt you" ... Would only save yourself, buddy... it doesn't grow us forward... sharing vulnerabilities strengthens our bond... 

You were only saving yourself from my feelings about your ass doing or saying something stupid. I am also at fault for not sharing my feelings with you, but I felt like I kept getting cut off from trying to talk to him through some avenue... I was also afraid of his bark. 

Sometimes you would say stuff outside your head, maybe thinking I couldn't hear you? When I am emeshed with someone, I think I can read them pretty well... But I wasn't reading your thoughts, man... Maybe you thought I was... Maybe you didn't realize you were actually talking aloud, but also, "I get paranoid when we smoke" could've been a discussion. You openly smoked with another woman who was stroking your ego all night instead of getting home to "your love." 

"The woman you were going to marry." ... Lol. To feel so chosen by someone... So disregarded...

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I had to get used to the idea that I may not have ever really known him... The audacity of that man, to tell me... The "woman I was going to marry.... " ... he had the audacity to blame me for his cheating... I was heartbroken!

He got top shelf with someone else, openly. He had a nice time on a date with someone else while I was at home assuming he was out with his best friend all night. I was never considered, not even to be mentioned that entire night... He loved the attention from this person... He loved feeling appreciated on this date with a person who was into the same stuff he was... 

He didn't tell me he saw them every week since, either. He conviently left that information out the first time we discussed it... until he told his friends on a call... That was a fun night... Something to write about later.

Crickets liked to leave out important information or back pedal or gaslight... Him and his friends were like a close knit, but unhealthy... They were always gossipping about one another, and those aren't the people I want to befriend... . He kept choosing himself over and over, and I felt like his friends could see that too.... I was never his first choice. 

Just tell me when you want to hang out...." ..."just tell me when I stink..." I'm👏🏻not 👏🏻your👏🏻parent👏🏻. 

And I wanted to spend time with him in the same room... Not necessarily watching something or needing to pay attention. What I now know is parallel play... I just wanted to spend time with him... And he'd get mad at me about wanting to control his time... And I'd shrink down to accommodate him, instead of telling him he's being stupid...

Almost every single early entries were about you... but, the less I saw you, the less the anger was supplying ideas. And the feeling of anger was disappearing quicker from my psyche... People think the loud outbursts are anger, but that's fear... Crickets was a ball of anxiety and a lot of other issues that had nothing to do with me.... I hope he has healed or is on his way...

I was after other validation, from others, first... Sometimes I forget how to take care of myself.... Neglecting certain ways of thinking about taking care of myself... The programming I have to lean back on is child rearing and wifely duties... But apparently I was never a good roommate... But we weren't roommates. We were partners?

...

I recall making a list of ideas for dates that Crickets could plan a date ... But he never did. We always did stuff he wanted to do... But why did I have to plan dates, too?

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Also, I never really liked his friends. They'd gossip about one another and then tell me... Was I supposed to cause shit or was I supposed to tell someone? It was confusing. They were "energy vampires" ....always complaining. ...... Always negative. No one glowed up each other... Or spoke about what they liked about each other. It was negative shit talk... 

I witnessed one person take their 6month old to a weekend long binge trip bc she wanted to still party ... Ugh and gross. Don't have kids if you still want to party? ... I've witnessed the same person actively choose her adult friends over her kid, to his face!! What a great core memory for someone so young... 

And Crickets described the Energy Vampire once as an "unruly teenager" ... And the best mom ever (/s) was "the mom of the group." .... I referred to them as an unruly teenager in front of another mutual friend and Crickets gaslit me. Denied up and down that he had ever said such a thing. I don't recall if he had said it was a secret... But I don't describe my friends like that... But he kept denying the truth even when his friends left the room. 

Crickets had magical thinking... He would have a thought or a curiousity about something or someone... I'd suggest a possiblity and then that answer was what happened... Without proof. Kept happening... And then I was blamed when it wasn't true... Bruh, suggestions aren't proof... 

"You were supposed to be there" ...him blaming me for his cheating... I sense a pattern...

The reversed has also happened...he has conviently left me out of a happy memory, of me, him, and another friend, let's call her Amy, winning multiple rounds of Bingo. It was very fun! We won so many prizes that night! 

But... He got mad at me when I was obviously hurt that he told me this memory like I wasn't also in it! He got mad at me for being hurt of his thoughtlessness. It doesn't help that Amy was still included... His first real love. Lol. LesbianZero... Lol she just wasn't into him, thusly she is Amy.

Makes me wonder where he is now... I never thought that I'd have to live my life without him. I once wanted to grow old with his face next to my wrinkles. He'd have stayed pretty young-looking for one or more decades, black doesn't crack, as they say... But I thought I had given up motherhood to be with him... 

But the moment I thought of him as a kid...as a sibling... As a defiant, unruly teenager himself, I could never find him sexy again, I could never respect him as an equal. He never learned how to love me the way I feel loved. No one has ever really taken the time to know me or wanted to continuously figure me out... Talk. Chat. Discuss. Celebrate. Confide in... Laugh. ....why would you want to marry someone you didn't like? I don't want a ball and chain... I want a life partner... Who wants to know me as much as I do them. ...I'm not sure if I'm truly poly or just openly dating whoever tf I want these days...  But my heart is rather large, and to those who still value me in their lives, care... It is mutually felt even if it's never said. But I often say it, anyway.

Being asked out with a set plan in mind is terribly sexy.... 

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I think with Crickets I tended to default to him always making plans for romance and never really considering his time... But then he never really made time or space for me... The way he'd demean me or make fun of me for the joke. He'd demand my time and space, but never really make me feel loved. But then I had shrank myself down so much for "his convenience." To be so readily available for him to want to hang out.... But he just saw me as lazy?

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I like to replay the time my uncle came to visit and met Crickets. He ofc never told me, but Crickets was nervous as shit. Lol. He had retold a story, exploiting someone else's strife for entertainment and it really rubbed me the wrong way... Since I knew that person and I knew the whole story already.

I was disappointed in him ... He also retold it badly... Said the same sentence 4 different ways... 

I sat next to my uncle. Crickets sat across from me... He was so distraught... He never confided in me or shared his big scary feelings with me... I wonder if he knew we were already over.... I also can't imagine the stare down my uncle must've given him. Crickets knew I respected my uncle more than my own father. The weight was on... 

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I can't believe I bought that MF a ring... Lol. So glad it wasn't a divorce. But like, he was so much more nicer and more considerate after he discovered the ring in his desk... He ofc didn't tell me he had found it. 

I hope he still has that ring. I was waiting around for mine... Then I'd have been prepared and he already had a ring, too. Lol. I wanted a ring bc it would've been reassurance that he did love me... Bc he lacked the ability of routinely make me feel loved/or verbally tell me I'm pretty, or make me feel special in a crowd... But he never respected me or wanted me around... He never wanted me as is... 

He wanted some version of me to stay the same, in his head... But then, I think I did the same of him. I just thought we would change for the better, together. But I think he never wanted me to change; he never asked me questions about in depth concepts or emotions... There would be more and more put on the pile to avoid than to excavate. 

I had never fathomed that he'd be the one who "accidentally" cheated.... Lolol

Whatta putz.

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The last Christmas we were together, his dad assaulted me and it triggered me very deeply. He never protected me or stood up to him for me. Just all talk as I stood there shaking off my own nerves. It wasn't sexual in any capacity. 

Mr. Crickets took me by my shoulders and tried moving my position in a family photo... Crickets was right next to me. He did nothing to protect me. 

No one apologized.

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I have never dated mutual respect and matched energy... We'll see what this weekend has in store... 

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I am so excited to see Wolf today! I got him a little something at the market, so I know he'll enjoy it... 

And I forget already what I'm naming the new Him him... But the fact that he's still younger than me... Idk if he'd ever earn a Sir... But... Let's see...... Someone to dote on both body and mind and possibly soul, but also play with others for fun fun times 😂 .... Oh Right!! Mr. T. !... Mr. , for short? Mr. Top? Maybe we can get Top Shelf 🎩 together sometime! Watch some 🎩🦆💰sometime soon? He also has AuDHD, and it's a fucking relief talking to him, sometimes. 

I hope we might have some ;) fun on our spooky adventure ;) .... I am looking forward to teasing you on the ghost tour... I need to call you something if I am allowed to write about my feelings here, a bit. Maybe wish for a scenario to happen... 

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Mr. ...Beast. Wolf... Red. Crushes and play time... Mr. Something more? We do something I like to do?? Cool! Ghost tour sounds so cool!! 

Also, I haven't been to a car show in years!! I'd love to attend one! Knowing what kind of shoes will be required knowledge I'll need to know.... Car shows are sometimes out in a field, somewhere... Proper protection would be considerate.

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Snow.