Bravery and Tunes 🎶

Anxiety is a voice inside me creating worst case scenarios so I'm prepared for when the world collapses... But the world could crumble... Who is standing in it with you? Who would you want to spend the last moments of breath... 

Who would you want to be with? Who would you want to spend your precious moments on this earth, with? 

I have a lot of friends, some closer than others .. But I wish I could have another partner. A main partner. A best friend... Someone I could look after as they look after me. Someone who has my back and someone I can trust and rely on like they can, me... Someone who is emotionally healthy. 

...

I'd love to read the personal journals or Jane Austen and Emily Dickinson... Staunch Queers of their time. They never wanted men. I don't blame them. There's a lot of sadness/emotional dysregulation out there, and I certainly don't blame anyone... Society and dating is rough out there! Let alone being "poly" ....

Those Victorian writers wanted love and equal respect... That must've been so incredibly rare to find back then in their own rigid class, let alone sex! 

I'd want to learn about the trans people of Victorian England... 

Class doesn't equal mutual respect. I should know. Lol. People are going to judge you, anyway... Just be yourself and trust those around you ... If they make fun and laugh at you, they're not your people ...

My goal in life? I am the weirdness in people's daily lives... I am the village witch. I have a working uterus and choose blood and pain every month!

Forever the outsider to when the world turns its tides... I can be the recorder of history... Ya gotta be able to ask the right questions. Seek the deeper answers that get to a person's heart; The drive. The drive to keep going... Their soul. 

The human world might have another 200 years. Maybe. Wouldn't you want to leave it better than worse off? Like, why have a kid? Why fuck up the environment for children to inherit? 

My kid wasn't my choice. And it's never that I didn't want them.... For what I had endured up until that point, in childhood, I wanted to save them from my family's woes and yelling matches.i didn't want history to repeat itself... Generational Trauma wasn't coined back then, but thats what I didn't want to pass on... I was also NOT mature enough to be the parent I wanted to be.... 

I never wanted to be stuck with my mother, forever, either. I wanted to get out from under her thumb, but also... Who else could I seek help from? There's no one. I have no one but myself, to rely on emotionally... Everyone leaves. How would I sign up for a mentor? 

Daria's aunt has always kinda been a subliminal life goal... Idt there was a depiction of a happy, content, childless woman in the before. 

...

It's also that They {my kid} grew into a person I stopped knowing. I used to get updates every 6 months and then once a year by her 7th year. And then I was forgotten around when they were 13. And the updates stopped coming. And I stopped sending mine on her birthday... I had lied to her. 

I had told her [Crickets] was the forever guy for me... Included some professional pictures of us for her tenth birthday... The big 1 oh ... But he's not the man I thought he was ... I just felt so stupid... Jk he's not the one. 

..

But then my mother put an idea in my head instead of reserving herself the intrusive thought. What if They had died?

Idk if I could still be a whole person if I didn't feel Them leave this world. I don't know Them now ... I won't ever know them if They passed on... They won't ever know me. Could I ever meausre up to what They've dreamed about me?

...

I see through stories of another person loved, makes being a parent of daughters, look easy. Oh, was it that easy this entire time? 

My roommate's beau is a girl dad and from my brief interactions with him, he is a good person = good dad. My roommate is very lucky. 

It only makes me sad in that by comparison, I think Beau would do anything for his girls. He makes fatherhood look easy... Makes me wonder more, how dad just didn't want us... His daughters. We were never enough for his ideals... Never enough to want to be around. 

...

My dad could've just wanted to be around us. But kept choosing to not be ... Granna (dad's mom) was even pushing him to get full custody... But Gertrude (G, stepmom) never wanted us, full-time... We'd have been a bigger influence on her perfect child, Brother... She fought against us being full-time... We hated both houses. 

This past summer, at Grandpa's funeral, she used the phrase, "my grandchildren..." ....excuse me? The implication was her son's children, not including Sister's. There's this humongous big bold line of divide in our immediate family.... I guess, in her head because she wants to remember the good parts, her constant yelling and outbursts are conviently forgotten, 

Dad would just let it happen... He never stood up to either wife... He likes angry women... But we were never given the words to fight for ourselves, Sister and I....

G was always right and was never stood up to. Dad is a coward and a simp. He never stood up to her FOR US. And he continues to fail. We are his Problems and Mistakes to "deal" with... We are his family... Not hers. She's a "bonus mom" lol.... K.... 

I find such traits in men as weak. A man who cowers and doesn't please his woman... I can tell. I've met a lot of souls... And there's a common theme to happiness... 

Happy people are calm and can take charge when shit hits the fan, they can guide and lead. I can follow them into battle, because none of my parents are good, emotionally intelligent people. 

Fuck, my own BIL is like if my dad held out until 36 and waited until marriage to have sex ... Gross. The ideals those types of men are hanging onto at 35+ about an "ideal" woman... Someone who is vulnerable and weak... Someone who doesn't reject them... 

Someone to prey upon instead of lift up and help. Sister is obviously miserable and BIL is trying .. but refuses to do the emotional work for himself ... Of himself.... For the betterment of his marriage and knowing himself. Lol. He isn't emotionally intelligent .... 

I cannot imagine meeting someone like that when I was at my lowest mental state. And since he "was tired of being rejected by women," he went after someone's vulnerability... Checked off the catholic handbook guide for a happy home. Lol. All lies. My BIL refuses to see the point of therapy and he doesn't want to work on his feelings or improve himself. 

...

The guy reading this... the guys and friends who knew me through out certain years of my life... . If you knew me and always wondered... From 2009 to about 2015/16.... Those were my vulnerable years. Didn't have the best introduction into the lifestyle... But again, emotional intelligence; it is learnt and takes time figuring out who is safe, who is friends, and who are neither.

Thank you for respecting me and letting me come into my own confidence... People who make fun don't make it far. Consistent respect and actions... Predictability. Very little gossip... What's that like? Lol no, I know what that's like.

I have no idea what person I'm going to be, but I can't wait to meet her. 

Lol

...

Music... Playlist... "Good Sunday"....Even though it's Monday... 

My legs are not active enough. I want to walk more places, but I'm stuck inside because I can't manage my money that well, so I just don't go outside on my day offs. I recharge by writing out my thoughts, anyway. And I like knowing that some people that may know me, now know what's going on inside... 

Mountains and vulncanoes constantly ebbing and flowing like lava... Avoiding lava is to jump from rock to rock... But what if the point is to feel the heat and be consumed in the flames?

If one had to constantly avoid their inner feelings ... One would become insane, never knowing how to make actual friends.... Not just talking at people who know you. They actually like you around... You're not just networking. There is a difference... 

...

Making friends with guys make more sense.... They're usually pretty straight forward. Girls are friends, but more often than not, they were always the backstabbers. ....I learned to not trust women, a lot ... Projection can be a problem. 

...

This is a great playlist... Devon Cole's W.I.T.C.H. was my number one played song last year, 2024.

Van Gogh Sun is my all time favorite Everclear song... For reasons... 

...

It's funny how that Michael and Janet Jackson song SCREAM is still relevant today, ya know?

Don't be a dick or I'll Scream....

...

Good. Shake, you're home! 

I need to figure out how to use this watch, I wonder if my anxiety just peaked... How do you have....

.

Disacciociate ....Jesus Christ I hate dyslexia. How are you supposed to recall all the proper letters in the moment? I'm the right order, too? Otherwise, people asse your stupidity.... Especially when my language in my head isn't around words. It's around actions... Not words. Emotions. Respect. Baseline, I respect you, I don't have to work at masking. But I don't also have to make them like me. Lol. I can just respect you on a fellow-human level. 

...

Brass Monkey makes me feel a lot cooler than I am. Probably because I don't remember what Brass Monkey is... Is it a special drug or a specific alcohol?

Green Day Dookie album is their best album. Fight me. Lol

...

Free will is when particles aren't being observed, but when they are, they do what they're supposed to. Lol. Less chaos? Or is that chaos theory?

...

I wish I lived with a good nesting partner who was good at other benefits but let me clean.... Lol. Red isn't that clean right now...but instead of asking for help, he wants to do it all his own... 

Dorothy as an Artist is amazing angry girl music.... Highly recommend.

...

All men, "you have a pulse and you are breathing" .... And now women have standards... What are those? Lol I grew up with no clear and healthy boundaries. No one is going to save you, the child. You have to start just being a good person; how you wish to be treated. But not everyone got that memo. I had to unlearn A LOT ... and only give time to those who want it. 

I think my dad's family got ADHD.... And my mother is autistic. 

...

Blind Melon was ahead of their time ... Sounds like the inner ramblings of my autism.... Constant anxiety. 

..

Don't Stop Me Now, Queen.... What a fucking movement that must've been. And then the start of the AIDS pandemic must've been so incredibly scary for the gay men in the community. Being an older gay man, now, you must have so many cool ass stories of people who are no longer around. I want to hear them! When people talk about loved ones or things they're passionate about.... Fellow human, it is felt! I can see your shine, it's always brilliant! 

I cannot imagine (/s) what it's like turning left and right, losing people to a pandemic, because Karen wanted a haircut and carried the sickness into an immuno-compromised household ... Killing a kid or an elderly person in that technician's family... But ok. Lol. Their lives are worth Karen's bangs.

Stupid Reaganism.... It should really be a classified personality disorder to be an entitled "rich" white woman... A prominent woman in a church gets shit done with shame and control. Cuntrol, more like it. Cunt troll? Can't roll. 

I need to stop. 

🎶 Somebody Told Me 🎶

British people... Am I enough for someone, enough to be rescued from this hellscape? Please and thank you. I already have a sick Tardis tattoo.... Does that count as a passport stamp? I'd lovvvve to live in the UK. I'm a lush but I'm charming af ... 

...

Soy un Perdedor

I'm a Loser, Baby ... 

What a great nonsense song ... 

A real good mahnahmahnah.... Lol. 

I'm pretty sure Beck covered that Muppet song, too.

...

Foo fighters, My hero... About his dad or being a dad in comparison? Or am I projecting my daddy issues?

And then Best of You ... Why would I waste my time with anyone that reminds me of their collective male arrogance and probably ignorance? Why would you want to spend time with someone that negative and sad? 

... it's the end of the world as we know it... 

... Human society as we know it, is crumbling... We got another 50 years, tops, to really make this place liveable for our kids... Despite not raising them, traditionally, I do have a kid. I have a horse in this race.... I'd like to give them the world... Someday, I might meet them, if they want to meet me.

Idk if I could meet them now ... Who would stand with me? 

Such a meeting was depicted on Doctor Who recently.... I'd be too curious to inquire about her ... The fact that her birthmom live around the corner? ...no.... That just wouldn't happen. Age doesn't have to do with it. 

...

I always thought it would be a partner... Who stands with me when my kid wants to see me. They're 15.5.... 

But everyone leaves. Everyone doesn't know how to comfort and support me when I'm overwhelmed. I'm still figuring it out ... I have no idea who will be there for me in moments of such a need. Unsure if I've even met them yet.

...

I think of that NB person from time to time. I wonder when the next sighting will be and if I'll be able to make the first move ... I'm tired of not knowing their name.... 

...

Snow.