Armor

I think what I struggle with is asking for help. No one around me, growing up, was around enough to instill constant good examples to learn from, on how to be me and still function in this world... How to know thyself without sacrificing myself has been a struggle.

I moved every 14 days from when I was 6 to when I was 15? Like.... Idk what kind of life my father thought I had, but damn.... It wasn't a Norman Rockwell painting.... 

For him, there must've been so much loud yelling in a family of five (plus 2 adults. One worked a lot, and one was sick a lot. ~1950s). They were middle class Floridians from the north, and New England.... They went where there were cheap jobs and good weather, and I'm assuming, cheap land... Catholics? Great. Let's make more. Lol

I have been plagued by the obligation of keeping all this fucking stuff.... Family-made heirlooms and other priceless stuff I can't just throw away ... I'll need it later ... But then, I can't keep moving. My stepmom, G, gave me back all the letters I had sent her, even my one letter to her mom from her deathbed. Like... No explanation, just left it with me because she didn't want it all in the house, right? So drab... Heirlooms... 

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I am like 1000% deathly afraid of ever loosing this income. If I couldn't work, idk what I'd have. Also, I ADORE WHERE I WORK, but the owners aren't loyal to me, I am loyal to to them, professionally. The founders are loyal to the company. 

I'm not that tech savvy autistic, like everyone assumes you are if you know the word, "Pokemon" lol.

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The only people I interact with on a daily and weekly basis is who I live with ...and who I work with... 

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It's lovely going to social events where my friends feel at ease talking or simply being who they are. Some people got intense. Some people were just fun to talk to. But I think I'm "graduating" and learning more improv skills to better myself and how to initiate conversations... Who I want to talk with, who I want to take out.  

I don't think I value money. I value how I spend this time... It would be cool if I could manage my time better, and get things moving on what I want to do... But I'm already kinda at capacity, in that what I can handle, day to day.... How to manage stress 101. How to feed and care for myself... How many days since your last shower? Lol

I am hyper aware of sound and normal noises. The train in the distance sounds like home. It's always been there around there, at least. There was always constant noise. I couldn't imagine the frustration one would have to stay calm and at ease to appease The Hearing. No wonder the deaf community is appealing. They're probably more quiet. Lol. And smell better. 

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I should learn ASL. ...I bet they're great at eye contact. I am not great at eye contact. Trust issues and attention spands.... 

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...I have had to explain my train of thoughts since forever. I have had to explain what I was thinking all the time. I have had to try to explain myself to those who were wanting me to use words... so boring. Words. 

I respect others first and foremost, because I hope to receive it in return. I don't have the mental capacity to make friend connections with the type of connecting I want more of, vs a professional setting. Thus why everyone at work can be a friend, but never more. But that's always been my rule, before I learned more about consent.

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It tickled me pink when friends came by to say "hi!" to me at work. That was so sweet! Beast... That's apt. 

Beast would be so much fun. 🔑

Others have come to see me, too, and that's always awesome. There's no code names for them since they are simply friends. 💖💖

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I love shopping. I love putting on cute outfits together and leave the house to go somewhere, even if grocery shopping! I like to wear interesting pieces, and modify or add-to pieces I already have. The thought of wearing the same thing every day is incredibly insane. I want to wear whatever I want to wear. I want to be warm and cozy. I want to be stylish but comfortable! 

I notice and record the fabulous fashion that comes through the market... Some of it gets to my profile, Snow's Urstyle

I don't value clothes over people... It's just been a form of self expression for so long... And something that really centered me when I loathed my life with Crickets.

I want to live how I want to live. I am so tired. I miss a more accessible kitchen. I miss cooking the way I used to cook. I miss how I used to always have food. I miss having a provider, but I also stopped being dated.... I stopped being valued as someone to spend time with ... What do I like to do? It was hard to rediscover what I liked to do because I had masked and stayed small for everyone else... 

I like to be alone because that's more safe than relying on others, emotionally. Other people yell and are upset. Other people yell when they are angry. I hate myself when I yell. I hate the feeling of being upset. I hate the feeling of anger. I shut down and disassociate when others are yelling or are upset and I forget what was said. 

I don't like to gossip, but it's so nice to share annoyances with others. But I do avoid triggers before they consume me. 

What is great is finding others with kind souls... Calm and kind. I have a beautiful face. There is an obligation I have to be kind, because people are more often going to trust me, because of my beauty. And I want to yield that responsibility well. I have never wanted to abuse it, except for flirting... But that's consentual. Usually. Lol

... I want to be worthy enough to hold someone else, like I'd trust them to hold me... 

Love an Ood.

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Anyway, how I like to express myself socially is my clothing. My style. How I present myself.... Is it misplaced energy? Probably.... But I don't have another other available outlet of creativity besides improv and bowling.... But with bowling, it's more about hanging out with Red and his friends. 

Red is good people. He was there with me when I read that stupid dismissive email from my emotionally-stunted father.... But hey, Dad tried. Still has no idea who I am, because he'd have to answer my questions ... Lol. But I don't want a conference like whatever he thinks was ok happening with Sister. Lol. Are their sessions just her screaming at him because of all the indirect stress and depression of knowing something is wrong but doing the same thing over and over of deflection and denial until you realize NO.... YOU WERE THE PROBLEM THE ENTIRE TIME... The absent father who loved being yelled at.... Maybe that's why he kept marrying angry women?  

My dad wants corporate daughters??? or housewife daughters?? Never understood Take Your Daughter to work days, as if women didn't already have jobs in the workforce....? I recall going to work all the time on Saturdays and Sundays with Dad (before emails)... Fun with movies from Blockbuster, pizza, and white board masterpieces.... 

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I'm still emotionally recovering from yelling at Chip the dog, two days ago... I have so much to unpack. The adrenaline rush ruined my Sunday plans. I got inebriated to cope and I ruined the plans I had with my roommate, I didn't know she was inviting someone else to it and I'm still unsure how to apologize. .... 

And I can't even fathom how to bring up the fact that she and her beau drank my wine! She didn't even say sorry. Didn't offer to pay me back. She just said "I bought a Cab today at the market..." And then proceeds to tell me about deals at a market? Like... Are we going to the market now? Was she offering me more wine or a wine brand I don't know? I know the brand I like. That's why I bought it. 

I was about to go to work or go to a party when we both realized she drank my wine. I didn't want to be confrontational ... I'm not sure... But she never apologized...  And she was here all day on Monday! Monday is my one day off that I get the whole day to myself to do what I want. 

I was looking forward to my Shake call, writing, cleaning with headphones on and still talking with Shake and/or listening to something whilst not having to pay attention to Chip. But my roommate came home unexpectedly, and threw me off. 

It's her house. I rent. How do I convey a request without being a total asshat? Because I am very thankful, and I love Chip.... He's the cutest.... And even better than people.... And she's been super patient.... But I think she assumes I know a lot more of how to take care of myself. I am exhausted when I come home. 

I can't just wear a jacket at her... I have to use words, and I just don't understand how to form the right words in the right moments to convey what I want to convey without hurting their feelings.... How do you speak THOSE words? What is the script?

If you want more safe spaces, be a safe place. 

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A friend of mine came to get something else, at my work, but also thanked me for being kind to someone in need, that they personally knew was having a tough time, socially. I love meeting new people, everyone has been incredibly kind to me... I figured to return the favor. That was really cool. 

I really like that I'm making friends with people who know how to be good friends to others. Glow up your friends! Make life better for those around you, but only if you don't have to subvert or deflect your morals. 

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I feel like watching Good Omens. I love it became a Gay romcom fantasy. 

.I knew you before time existed. ....no business being that brilliant. Lol. How lovely. 

Need to find someone kind, and full of patience.... 

I'd be 10000% down for a lavender 🪻 marriage, honestly. Lol. But again. 

 I still have to make friends as myself...

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Battery is dead. Improv was GREAT. 

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"You are more brave than me." 

I like to wear what I want. Most times, it's just my hearts 💕 on my sleeve.

Snow.