The End of the World as we Know It.

I'm unsure how to ruin good moments; speaking up for myself;… I've been so programmed to care what others thought first, that I never realized what to say or how to explain poor judgement or actions... . Most NTs don't care about what one does, as long as you take care of their property or pets. And I feel like I've Dishonored both. 

...

It was about 60F outside today, with a cool breeze and very little bugs. It was nice soaking up the sun out in the yard, writing out some emotions that were drudged up to my surface the last few days... I was about to go inside and get ready for a thing me and my roommate were going to attend, she apparently was inviting her other friend to it, too... It was a clothing swap, and I feel incredibly bad for changing everyone's plans last minute. 

I got my monthly pains yesterday, about an hour before my shift ended... I thought about cancelling plans, when Wolf messaged me, inquiring if he'd see me last night. Big motivation. Lol. I don't have a crush, shuddup! Lol. He's like a very alive, young genX, pirate kilt HAIRY heated tangible Robin Williams who sends me memes like a proper friend should, these days. 

...

Chip recently grabbed canned tuna from Roomie's Beau's bag. He shred through that tin can and it smelled really bad in the living room. Roommate is washing and drying the washable rug. It's right now draped across the sectional lounge and some chairs. It was put through the dryer at least twice. I took it all out and put it back in 

...

Anyway, I did see Wolf at the party last night. Peace met him. It was a good introduction.

Long story short, Peace got super upset in some capacity and had to ditch me at the party. It upset me because I had been waiting around for them to get back, because I wanted to leave sooner... My midol was wearing off and I was hungry, I had only eaten fries... Hearty... But I wanted to consume something else before nightly sleeps. 

...Peace wouldn't have left without good reason, so she is forgiven. We're adults. We worked it out. 

...

Roommate's dog, Chip started eating grass, so I let him chew on a ball, but the house rules right now is no playing fetch. My roommate is trying to grow the grass with lain straw strewn about, in the backyard. I just didn't want Chip to eat grass... So he sat or laid down somewhere near, as I wrote and sipped from my TARDIS tea... He chewed on the ball. We'd both look up if there was a siren or a loud noise. But he was otherwise, quite calm.

I was about to wrap up my thoughts in my journal and turn in, to get ready for my roommate outting for the clothes swap, that I invited her to, and she was inviting someone else to it all too, but I didn't know that until after our excitement. As I was heading in... Chip rushed up the hill and started mad-barking at the other dog through the wooden fence. I had to climb up the cement bricks wobbly and scramble up to grab him. He got down by himself, down the hill and I yelled at him with all my adrenaline rage... "Stop. Stay!"

I pointed at him and he stayed. 

I had to center myself a few times to get down to the bottom of the hill, safely. It was nerve wracking! I completely forgot about my roommate and my heart was in my throat. My head was throbbing.... I think I was having a panic attack. Maybe left over emotions from the night previous. 

Again, Peace is forgiven, we worked it out, that's what adults do... 

I could've possibly hitched a ride with Wolf back to my place. I would've thanked him with a cheek kiss ;) 

Wolf's face is kind ... But I look forward to more possibilities, someday. Also presumptuous, sure. But flirting with safe men is the best! No is not. Yes is yes. Feeling safe and seen, it's ridiculous how rare it can be... Maybe a low bar for most ... 

...

Those preprogrammed notions that you are only in service of others is incredibly silly. You have to be able to recognize the beauty of differences in others, first... Even to excuse others. I don't hurt or want to negatively impact others. I only wish to be myself. I can't really respect others who disrespect me. Yeah, I don't have the best habits in the world for sustainability... But being able to advocate for yourself at a young age (one will never get to relive), is a skill not many learn. I strive to be a safe space for people to talk to, as long as they know/respect my boundaries. I hope I can lead by example. I have to be able to relax somewhere, sometime. 

I'd rather be out in the cold sunlight. It really is perfect weather, this time of year.

.

.

.

.

.

.

...

But I firmly believe childhood imprints upon us as adults. Our nervous systems fluctuate depending on those we surround ourselves, with.