Pants

If I were God, I'd simply walk the streets in the city, being kind, and caring towards all people. I don't think I have that type of patience...

Do you think God really wants us to be so unhappy or so depressed all the time? The people I follow the example of, the people I'd rather spend my finite time with on this green earth, are those that respect me equally. They're everyone I've ever worked with (/for, recently), at least. 

Work is where I spend my time the most, unfortunately. I'd like to be able to work somewhere and not feel less than, in anyway. It goes a long way, feeling useful, but it really means the world to me to not be stuck in front of a screen all day, working with people energizes me... And my company's owners trust me, which is pretty stellar, even considering my limitations ("you're really good with people, I want you to work Friday and Saturday at the shop" ...highest compliment) 

Feeling equal to, ya know? I mean, the level of technology I stop at, is about a smart phone.... I'm still illiterate about google drive and the cloud... There's no class I can take as an adult, I'd gladly sign up for... 

I choose to spend time with people who see me as a person, first. The hardest part, was finding them. When I heard about the bosses at work, how they met as a married couple, how they started the company and when... As they progressed as people, they grew with the community around them, families and friends forming in their backyards and neighborhoods... Really tapping into the main veins of Atlanta... The Narnia to me stranded in STL back in 2014. I'd have died if I didn't gtfo out of there when I did. But I took the long way round, to get to the market and into a company where I can be myself... It helps that one coworker has autism too, and they respect them, as well. 

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Even though I'm not that talkative, sometimes, it's because it's so bright and loud at bowling. I have to exert a lot of energy to talk and be heard and listen to everyone and the sounds of the lights. The ambient noise is so freaking loud... It's kinda overwhelming, and I hear every other word, and I have to laugh at their jokes, as I smile as a response.

And then I have to talk? It's like yelling, to me. And I can't even wear wtf I want? I mean, I could ... But I'm on a team, and I have to wear a T-shirt to feel like I'm including myself. And I like feeling included.

It's a very nice color. A good maroon. Really the only red I like to wear when I'm in the mood to wear it, seriously. 

I have this one dress that I love to wear, usually in the fall.... it's a boat neckline and it's a slinky material, synthetic but light. The pattern is like if a traditional oriental rug pattern was pixelated. Anyway, a great on-the-go look with my nerdy denim jacket. Brown bow waist belt... 

I love fashion. I wish I had more places to make the fashion and then wear it. I wish I could write divine comedies and play in clothes all day.... That sounds like the life! Lol

I imagine that's what it would be like if I could retire to France. I'd have to take up smoking....

If given a choice to wear pants or a dramatic skirt everywhere.... I'm never wearing pants again!! ... 

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I would want to make a lot of people mad with what I know... First hand... The vile of humanity, I know them well. That's why I don't hang out with those putrid, narrow-minded human beings (Christian nationalists/homophobes). Those who think they are better than another, based solely on whether or not they attend a fancy place every week in an exclusive group ... I know I could utilize them as a resource, but I could never be myself... And I am done hiding myself, for others. 

Queerfolk are my people... Pride, this year, is going to be bonkers... One cannot simply erase it from the calendar. Hear us roar! 

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However, I just can't imagine a life where I can actually sustain feeding myself and keeping up with running my life day to day.... And I have to set all my appointments. And I have to socialize with people my own age... And I have to keep up with laundry. And I have to keep up with bills. And my bedroom mess suffers quite a bit... Aesthetically, my room feels a bit 1998 to 2003. And I have to save $$, but I don't understand why since we're headed towards waterworld when I hit 65, right?

Save for what? I am dirt poor, but I love what I do. 

I can't seem to balance life, that well. How I socialize is dating and going out... It's not healthy. 

I want to find someone who wants the same thing as me; a home. Someone who is happy to see me as happy as I am to see them, at the end of a long day. A partnership. Emotionally and economically. Idt people were supposed to live this isolated, on their own.

I do feel as if I suffer enough, I'd crawl back to The Church... And I just cannot attend what I don't believe in. The Church abuses children, first off and tried to hide it, saving themselves and not valuing protecting children... Also, the superiority one obtains through attendence? ...no ty. I don't want to be that ignorant. Empathy grows intelligence. Respect is love.

I was never taught to sustain myself, I was taught to upkeep a functional household, cook, clean, and child-rear.... and it's so much more to raise myself, bc I am unaware how to care for myself... There's no one out there to schedule me, and I'm never going to punish myself... Bc I haven't been modeled how-to be me and there's no one in my immediate family who wouldn't first suggest Church... Simply bc they don't want to help, they want to pass me off. The Burden. 

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I have a very social job and I absolutely adore it. I love when it's busy. I love when there's stuff to do and restock. During the weekend, Sunday and Monday, I like to stay in and recharge. 

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I love representing my company. They are good people. I am glad they respect me and hold a certain standard of calibur.... Or it could be just all in my head and I'm putting people upon pedestals, again.... I just can't connect with them socially, I guess. I mean, my one boss is probably the first white guy boss who hasn't ever made fun of me in some capacity and has never hit on me. Lol. I know, low bar. And my other boss is GORGEOUS and knows it... But operates their business from a left leaning side of the fence. The grass is greener here.

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I know I get my work ethic from both my parents, but there was never really a drawn out picture of what life would be like without a family unit to come home to ... I was expected to get married and make the family I always wanted... But I never understood how that was supposed to come about when my immediate family never really wanted me... For me. And I've always been with duds and partners who never saw me for me... Who wore me down and were selfish men. They want my energy, but they never want to replenish my well... And I think I intimidate at some level. I am more brave than my own dad... How can he advise me without ever knowing me... He doesn't even see trans people as people... How am I to take advice from someone like that?

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Growing up, my dad had the best stories about work and clients... He "wore the pants" in the family by bringing home the bacon.... He made a pretty penny and G liked to spend and save it... The pants phrase always made me laugh, bc if you met them... You'd know that she actually wears The Pants in their family. Lol

Mom sacrificed our formative high school years to teach herself a masters in computer science. She makes 6 figures now. Kudos for her... But I get so confused with coding and my eyes get so strained... I never want to sacrifice any time with family for the sake of a career ... But Mom and Dad both value work over family... And I just never wanted to wear those pants... 

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After a long day, I've never had anyone waiting at the door, besides Brother (10 years younger) for me to come home from school... But then, I didn't really have friends... I had to come home and look after my brother instead....  But he's grown now, with his own kids... Hopefully my nibblings won't have cPTSD with the burden of expectations and parentfication... I hope they're allowed to pursue whatever avenue they wish and not be restricted to Caregiver Only. 

I have to remember that I was a child. I wish I would've done more child things instead of carrying the burden of caring for others first.... I never really learned how to take care of myself and the struggle is really real nowadays. Popcorn is a snack. Not a meal. If you add a scoop of peanut butter... Then you're ok. Lol. 

There's no place for me in my immediate family, and if I get too close to them, they start treating me like an invalid or a child... Like they have to take care of me. And that gets pretty insulting, considering what Sister's in denial of... 

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I work with a lot of young people...

What I've noticed as I'm getting older, the youths are so much more open with their emotions... They are so much more open, in general, and have a good grasp on consent and emotional intelligence, and even though they're all not that sure of themselves, the early 20s are for finding out what you're made of....

They are all beautiful and kind and smart af. We have had a great team for awhile ... Some people have proven themselves very well, and they're moving up in the company!! I'm very happy for them. But that just means I'll have to train and guide newer people through out the next year... Our aesthetic has been queer leaning and safe for us ND folk... I don't have to be on disability.... Not that that's easy to do, either. But it's nice when the boss herself trusts me. 

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Before I dated Crickets, I had just turned 30... I was there, wanting a family. Wanting to settle down. Finally do what I've been programmed to do my entire life... But the real world didn't care about the idolized Andy Griffith aesthetic I was raised on.... Crickets wanted someone with a lot of maternal energy he could take and take and take from... Not someone to build a life with, together (not just the power over another to control the outcome)... 

I'm getting really tired of emotionally unavailable men. People who want my attention for themselves without reciprocation of physical affection, in which I need, personally, to feel whole... But I am VERY selective in who I let in to see me like that... It's great expanding my views on love and friendship, and who I want to share my mind with, and my life, for that matter. There are plenty of people reading this, dying to take me out on the most perfect date... But that date doesn't exist. 

The icks were all there in some way even without naming them... My instincts now are to only pay attention to those who express knowing me in a certain way. Being asked out directly is wonderful.

It's not that I think I deserve less than... It's that I don't believe I have the capacity or the level of maturity to grasp the dire state I find myself in, sometimes. I can barely live with myself, physically, but I have needs I'd rather a partner never see how cramped I am ... I had to move from a whole household to a 10x10, and my grandfather had just passed away right then ... So.... It was a tremendously sucky time in my life and I had felt like such a failure at work. It all compounded... Even though I struggle, it's really nice living with my roommate. She is very kind and understanding. 

A lot of my life had shattered from some 5th dimension world where I had the life I had always wanted? ... But I kept feeling like I was missing something. Oh yes, self-respect... Maybe Crickets never wanted to hang around me because he only saw what he hated in himself after while. His anger would make me cower in fear, in a corner, and my memories would shut down. I have trouble recalling those memories. I don't think they exist. But I'm probably wrong... 

He was familiar, not healthy.

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I'm glad others are abstaining from parenthood, for one reason or another. There's such an assumed dyconomy to the notion of parenthood. But if they want more people to have kids, why not pay them more?... Society is encouraging ENM and Polyamory... I'm kinda glad it's not discussed out in public, but I will discuss my depression openly. Lol. I'm a funny duck... But I wouldn't mind listening to a smarter person talk about these aspects... Which is why my echo chamber is full of PhDs... 

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I used to physically poke people to be cute (unaware cute 22+yo). Glad I stopped doing that... I am super DUPER happy that it's now taboo to touch another without permission. Unless you're a gay man at bowling. Lol More often than not, they're safe. I know that's not a good piece of info to believe in, but the only intake I have of The Gays is bowling every Wednesday. And there might be a competition happening, but I'm happy to just be somewhere socializing with others, playing a slow-burn game. I'm not the best bowler, but I'm also not the worst. I have no idea what my average is, but I've never made a list, so... 

By Thursday, I'm pretty spent socially, but this Friday and Saturday is going to be BANANAS at work. I'm happy I don't go in until the afternoon on both days... It's going to be a shit show. I'll try to be there earlier and offer to stay a bit later, if necessary. 

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I don't want to wear the pants in the family. That sounds like too much responsibility. I would like to get into their pants, though... 

I'm broken. Lol 👖 please laugh with me

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I hope Red can hang out Saturday night. I love chillaxin at his place. Pants are optional. 

Sometimes, life is better without pants. 

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Snow