Hide

If I hide parts of myself, I won't get hurt, again. But I think I'm ready. I'm armed with boundaries and defensive vocabulary. I've befriended very good people outside of work and classes. I think I'm ready to get out there again and date seriously? 

I know what I want. I want to find a dynamic, I want to date someone with a spine, I want to explore creativity with others, find a more suitable living situation (current roommate is very kind and patient, and tolerable... Nothing is wrong)... I want more friends and I want connection with other like-minded people. I feel like I over compensate or show off or say the wrong thing... 

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If I'm the only one planning anything, I get very sad. I like to be thoughtful and useful, and I like to think others would reciprocate, but that's all just assumed behavior. Maybe it's an autism thing...

Does everyone else have someone to confide in, besides themselves? Do others share their deeper inner thoughts with their other loved ones? How? 

I thought I was talking clear as day to Crickets, but all he saw was what he hated about himself, instead of the beauty I was as a person, as is. I thought I had seen him, too, but I don't think he was showing all of himself. He was hoding bits of himself back, that he assumed I couldn't handle, even though he had admitted that I was more emotionally-intelligent... He was also different around other people... 

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I think I would've never measured up to the person he thought I was for him to be happy. I never felt seen with him. And ya know what's the most fucked up? He probably thinks the exact same thing about me. A part of me will always love him. But I couldn't keep waiting around for him to want to talk to me. To want to be doing things I wanted to do, not just what he wanted to do... To serve me, once and awhile, like I always served him... Not to get mad when I wasn't happy with how he wanted to show me love. I had been alone so long, emotionally. ... I kept trying to reach out to him the only way I knew how, but he'd get mad that it wasn't to his face because he was loud and scary most times... Unapproachable. 

Was it mature? No. I probably should've been able to talk to him face to face and repair like a healthy person, but I am not a healthy person. Or, I wasn't at that point.

I was unable to communicate incredibly deep feelings and problems kept rising up, drowning me with more anxieties. He was angry all the time... I allowed his shouts to ring out as I fell silent. He never knew how to explain his exasperations... And it happened to always feel like my fault. There was no reassurances that he still loved me. 

He was the one who admitted he didn't know how to talk to me... He had said that I was more emotionally intelligent, and yet he withheld his inner most desires and thoughts. It was because he always had his guard up around me... Incredibly thin-skinned, prone to outbursts for no reason... 

He was never as open as I was from me to him... He'd talk about me to his friends and maybe to his coworkers... And they would act differently around me, too. He must've talked about me to others... Why did he feel so comfortable talking to them about me, but not to me? 

And I don't think he ever defended me or stuck up for me... He never respected me. And I didn't really respect him after awhile, not enough to want to touch him. 

I hate bad smells. I zone them out. I don't know when they're happening, sometimes... I wish I had a bigger space to live in like I want. 

I wish I could live with my type of people.... 

How I operate day to day, is pulling on a human suit, one leg at a time, slipping into the mushy gushy parts, squeezing out all the liquid, making room for my soul. And operating like a "normal" person, even through the good of existence.

Does nobody else feel like a total alien in the beginning of getting involved with a new group of people? You can tell who is the NTs having fun, and the NDs who are living their lives one day at a time...

Like, I have THE coolest job in history of industries here in what I guess is trying to save the human race here in America, a new and better way of doing business. It's actually really healthy for a society to take care of their communities... Well, what if I never knew what it was like to be respected in a friendship? In a partnership? Everyone tends to tolerate me, enough. But only recently have I begun to feel like I'm apart of something bigger... 

The business is doing well, and it's awesome to not only be useful, but to be respected on a daily basis. 

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I think people should know that I really love playing in my clothes. Lol! I love fashion... it was one of the very few things I had control over, even with my stepmother throwing away pieces of clothing she didn't approve of... I'm actually pretty modest in my clothing picks and are usually in layers... 

I was a super lonely kid. Eventually no one else wanted to hang out with me, everyone leaves. Everyone tends to not want to face my eyes of knowing... I wanted something selfishly from them, their time. 

How am I supposed to be a good human being without first respecting others and their time... ? Would they ever want to overlap their time with mine, great! Sometimes you have to come right at me...direct. Be blunt. And I had to wonder why I was coming from that perspective. I lonesomed agreed.

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Trust in yourself and how to motivate yourself to not only clean up ones act, but it's ok to seek connection from others even when you're still YOUR DEFINITION of a hot mess ... 

I'll never be up to my full potential and be ready enough to date... It's more or less why we have lives to learn lessons of better, healthier connections... Asking for help from the safe people in my life. People I have built trust with and want to build more of a future with ... Romantic and platonic friendships... Build my family from the ground up. What I want... Is a community of thick skinned freaks, just like me. Muppets, Doctor Who... Mythology. Conspiracies. Philosophies. Societies... Creative outlets, bowling, improv, comedy... 

If you're confident in some areas, doesn't mean you're confident in all areas that are better with more confidence. And that's ok. Confidence can be learned!

How does one make friends? How do I make friends? I'm usually the initiator of conversations... But I stay away from liquid courage. 

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I met with a new friend connection today and will meet another person tomorrow. (They were both awesome! I think they'd get along together, too). 

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I asked out a young man, HF. He is nerdy and a romantic. Writes well, in the lifestyle, loves cars, and history. Intelligent, masculine, kind, respectful, and into me ... Likes to attend events... Likes people ... Maybe they like going to conventions? A romantic, you say? Do go on!! Oh, and he's AuDHD like me, which is also incredibly awesome. 

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Going to volunteer at some conventions this year... 

Looking forward to growing an even thicker skin. 

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Snow.