The St. Louis Snow

It has begun. Nationally, ICE is questioning its citizens. People of color are being taken and questioned and traumatized.  It is wrong. I am at a loss of what to do or say or protest...  They are coming for our loved ones. And who is next? The Gays? How is this ok? The queers? Women who have had The Choice?  Why are these actions ok? What will be the threshold? The outcry?  How will we step up? How can I protect my friends? ...I am ...distraught. I want to get more into activitism... Queer rights.  ... Germany 1933 called, will France 1788 answer? Americans aren't that educated.... We do have weaponry and restraints this side of the grass... But who is vs who. ... I am here and I am queer. I am meant to be here. Hear me roar. Lol in text. I mean, this is where I'm at. How I talk. What level of vulnerability am I at to talk about certain issues.... how I sound out the words to utilize to get my point across. My integrity isn't for sale for another's dignity. How...

When I was a kid, dinner time was around 6p... Both houses sat down to either share about their days or watch a TV show...  The table at Mom's was usually to accumulate junkmail, magazines. Books. So many books.  I hated that table; it was confusing. White painted wood with exposed wood grain around the border. The table top center was white tiles, like bathroom tiles. Shiny and buff, but confusing. What are tiles doing on a dining table? It was so difficult to clean bc crud would get into the crevices. ...   But we would eat at that table for special occasions. Mostly, we would set up in front of the TV and utilize the coffee table. This piece of furniture had been traveling with my mother for about 30 years, at that point. Plywood top, wooden frame. Long and narrow, close to the ground... Like stubby and short, but delicate legs.  On one of the longer sides, it had a decorative knocker... All along the edges, it was scalloped.  ... The table at Dad's was one t...

Alright folks. Strap in. Please read "Unsure" for context.  Came out to my dad last week, then Atlanta froze over. I was at my friend Red's house during those Snow days! I've known him 8 years, and I'm so fucking happy we've maintained good friendship.  Anyway, my father sent me an email a few days ago.... I didn't read it until last night, bc I wanted a friend to be with me as I read it aloud and for the first time. My dad writes well... But ... So incredibly dismissive. My father is like me in that emotions are easier to describe through written words, taking my time to explain my thought process.  My father cannot get on my intellectual level. I am autistic, my needs are a lot, but I get overwhelmed and burnt out thinking and deciding what to do next. It would be cool to be able to live with friends and be as comfortable as a family. But I didn't know how to form those connections because I was never modeled healthy community, with respect and witho...

On tonights call with my father, I told my dad that I'm queer. He asked, "what does that mean?" I replied, "I'm gay adjacent."  He seemed accepting... But somehow... Something is bugging me. I had told him I was afraid of being ostracized by him and the family... I had told him there's no place for me in the Catholic Church and he replied, "well, I'll have to tell that to some of my gay Catholic friends."  I thought he was going to be upset. I am unsure my feelings. I am unsure what to do now. I guess I was expecting a bigger outcry... A bigger reaction. A cut off.  He said at the end that I should "really think what that means and you might come to different conclusions." ... . Unsure why I'm so fixated on what he thinks. Or how to act, according to him. I only laugh at his jokes when they're funny. Sometimes I miss the mark, and I know I didn't laugh at the moment he wants that laugh...  Or am I overthinking? Am I di...

I've learned from the ex, my dad, and the love of my life, that I can't trust all men. But they never told me they were among them.  Idk if I'm supposed to marry a man? I always wanted to marry my best friend... Why friend shaped if not friend? I really like sex. Idt there's anything wrong with that. But apparently there's only a time and place is in the bedroom, according to the ex. I never recall when he was direct or wanted to have sex.... I never understood his signals bc he never understood mine. I just kept telling him who I was, how cool I am? I know. I'm sexy and I know it. But I had thought we knew each other as well as I thought I knew him. I was treating him like I would a best friend but I wasn't his. I had told him in the beginning that I wanted to marry my best friend... He never said we weren't best friends until several years later, we were on vacation (celebrating him and his friends)... Lol.  My own mother scoffed at me when I told her ...

I always thought Crickets would eventually come around and see me... I was always there... Always available to him. I understand now that THAT was toxic behavior on my part.  I should have a life. Not have my life be my favorite human. ....but I still yearn for a companion that could be my everything. I just want one main person in my life to say they're mine. And I am his. Maybe that's my attachment style talking.... Maybe I am wanting to live somewhere where I can be my full self.  Dad still reaches out on a regular basis to set up a set time to conveniently be in the middle of something while we talk. I've been wanting to tell him I'm queer for the longest time. Maybe this time is the time.... I'll be the ultimate black sheep.... Maybe I'll level up and be gayer?  Self expression is like a video game, right?  Lol ... I can't help but compare Handshake (HS) to Crickets. It's somewhat healing. I'll complain about Crickets to HS and he'll have a ...