Unsure

On tonights call with my father, I told my dad that I'm queer. He asked, "what does that mean?" I replied, "I'm gay adjacent." 

He seemed accepting... But somehow... Something is bugging me. I had told him I was afraid of being ostracized by him and the family...

I had told him there's no place for me in the Catholic Church and he replied, "well, I'll have to tell that to some of my gay Catholic friends." 

I thought he was going to be upset. I am unsure my feelings. I am unsure what to do now. I guess I was expecting a bigger outcry... A bigger reaction. A cut off. 

He said at the end that I should "really think what that means and you might come to different conclusions." ...

.

Unsure why I'm so fixated on what he thinks. Or how to act, according to him. I only laugh at his jokes when they're funny. Sometimes I miss the mark, and I know I didn't laugh at the moment he wants that laugh... 

Or am I overthinking?

Am I disrespecting him and other family members by airing a bit of our laundry out for the world? Maybe. Maybe if something was to happen to me, they'd have a record of so much pain and trauma I've endured bc of them, bc of how I grew up and no one was there... On my team. I wish I had had the words to express myself better and what I needed to survive.... To thrive. Back then.

But I have to remember that I was a child. My job was to trust the adults around me to protect me... And they failed. 

I didn't necessarily want retribution or an apology. I want to report on it. I want to tell on them precisely. I want to tell the world what they did and have them sort it out. 

...

What's the difference in my head about obtaining happiness, chasing that last molecule of sweet, sweet dopamine... Or living my life for another? 

Or choosing the "right path" in life? Don't marry the wrong person... Marry well. Attend church to get points for heaven, but think of yourself as elite and superior to those who don't... Contribute back to your community. Volunteer. Work towards what? What is out there? 

I feel tainted and wrong when attending church. Like I'm stepping on the fingers and cracks and crevices of the shunned queer folk before me. The genocide, the sexual abuse, and the atrocious history of control and "forced faith." ...it just feels wrong. 

And I feel like my folks will invalidate my POV with the same throw away line like, "there's always going to be poor people" .... Doesn't make it right. Why on Earth would a forest vote for an axe? 

...

Does he think gay marriage is valid? Does he think I'll still "get to heaven?" 

.........I just want to be ok. And I want to learn better coping skills. But I'm losing skills, it seems. And I'm losing words. Or losing sight of words. Recalling the right word is hard enough... 

The thought of not being able to communicate terrifies me. Being misunderstood with the potential of correction is also horrifying... But losing the ability to talk and communicate is frightening. 

If I didn't have the ability to write, to share my emotions and connections with others... Idk if I'd be ok. 

I just want to be a worldly aunt to the youth. I don't want to birth anymore humans, not bc I didn't want to be a mother someday, but bc I don't trust my own body not to kill me... Or try to. 

I'd rather live a life I've always wanted. But now that I can kinda see where I want it to go, I still feel trapped. 

There's this weird notion that you're supposed to always be able to do everything on your own ... But the system is against anyone who doesn't get married and have babies... There's so many people out there scrounging for scraps and stupid dead end jobs with no care and investments for the future.... 

America doesn't care about their people. I haven't been proud, nationally, for two decades... At least. 

The Top vs the bottom is becoming more and more evident... 

Luigi being a catalyst and attention to a bigger issue... Our healthcare is shit. Our way of living is shit. 

Do I want to live on my own bc I'm just tired of everything and everyone? Or is it engrained in me to want that for myself bc I think there's no one person out there for me who would want me? Am I poly out of convience or am I bored? Definitely not ready for a long term commitment... Someday I want that... Idk if I'd ever get there. Idk if it'll be with a guy... But I've never dated a woman so... Who knows. .... My finances are awry... would you date you? Who would have me? 

...

Snow.