Taken

It has begun. Nationally, ICE is questioning its citizens. People of color are being taken and questioned and traumatized. 

It is wrong. I am at a loss of what to do or say or protest... 

They are coming for our loved ones. And who is next? The Gays? How is this ok?

The queers? Women who have had The Choice? 

Why are these actions ok? What will be the threshold? The outcry? 

How will we step up? How can I protect my friends?

...I am ...distraught. I want to get more into activitism... Queer rights. 

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Germany 1933 called, will France 1788 answer? Americans aren't that educated.... We do have weaponry and restraints this side of the grass... But who is vs who.

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I am here and I am queer. I am meant to be here. Hear me roar. Lol in text. I mean, this is where I'm at. How I talk. What level of vulnerability am I at to talk about certain issues.... how I sound out the words to utilize to get my point across. My integrity isn't for sale for another's dignity. How I let people in. My loved ones who know me personally are the only ones that I'd show my handwritten journals to, if they ever wanted to know... They get much deeper into fears and worry I just don't leak out, here ... 

... 

But I'm pretty direct. 

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{Directed towards any of my parents}

...you are not a good example of a human that I'd like to follow the footsteps of. There's no part of me who would like to take from the church or make more money, over my loved ones... I don't understand my blood family who says they love me, but hasn't ever put in the effort to meet me where I actually am... but then, have I even shown them? Have I let them in? 

Yes. Every time I let them in, they tend to let me down, they want to control in order to care... But that's not love, that's control out of fear... Not from belief. "Give up and repent. Give it up to the Lord. Sacrifice yourself over and over again in order to have the life your parents think you want for yourself..."

They show me that I cannot trust them with my authentic self.... And so I deny them access. Pity for them, they'll never know the real me. 

I have standards, now.

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{Talking with my mother....text telling her I told Dad two weeks ago, that I was queer}

Her text: 

sorry, I'm ok with whatever you are but I'm not sure if you're talking about gender, sexual pref or something else.

What I wanted to send: 

I think I told you I was gay, like last year? I guess two years now, I forget. (Crickets) isn't around anymore being my memopad of yesteryear... It's hard to remember. Or that I was bi? You seemed unbothered and I moved on, operating under the premise that you loved me however way I am ;) (not mad or sarcastic, I am in real time trying to remember when I had told you, but don't feel like talking out loud bc I have been at bowling all night and after work. I am purposely not talking and just about to lay down for slumber.

I am writing and unmasking at home, resting. I'll close the parentheses now and continue the post, now). 

Ok. Yeah, told Dad I was queer two weeks ago, and he ofc was over the phone trying to tell me he knew gay Catholics and I was really mad. Didn't know how to express ("Unsure" entry) why until I wrote about it later.... Chat gpt helped. Lol. ("Snowing").

Dad sent an email in reply to the conversation we had over the phone bc he, too, struggles with vulnerability and emotional intelligence, in the moment. That man probably avoids me bc he cannot answer the deeper questions.

So I guess I'll have to reply soon in an email as a response. ....something something... You vote against gays, you vote against my own well-being... Sorry, Republican baby boomer, now there's an issue that pertains to you. 

I had to unlearn a lot of bs first-thoughts bc of that bozo crazy lady [my stepmom, G]. Whatta fucking cunt. "If your mom just saves up 'these checks,' she could actually start saving up...." 

...I was like 11 when she said that shit to me while I was waiting in the car and Dad was picking me up from Warson Rd apartments? G was there with baby Brother, asleep in the back with me... And G said that aloud and I had remembered thinking in an attitude, "you have my Dad? Your life is different than the things my mom has to deal with, how dare you have some fanciful fucking life hack, 'if she'd only....' stupid observation like you're some guru all knowing white woman. Ok colonist...." ...but I didn't have those words back then. I was 11. I just remember thinking less of G's empathic character. She has always been incredibly narrow-minded. My dad follows suit bc he never wants to be without a wife.... And the cost of his marriage is his dignity. He'd rather follow a golden calf than right for actual human rights. 

... When I learned from G, that my Dad's mom, my Granna, loathed G, it all made sense why I never liked her. No one did. Lol

She's the narcissist. Dad's a simp. 

No wonder I've never felt that attracted to people that remind me of him, or her, for that matter. A coward. Someone who can't fight for their loved ones... Self righteousness isn't courage... it's a hinderence to society. 

Those we Respect and Love.... You defend. You take care of those who believe consentual love is consentual love ... 

I would gladly lock arms with Crickets again than with my own dad, any day, for our human rights to love who we want.... And it's not wrong. No one is born wrong. 

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New Guy reads my blog without me asking or suggesting. He's up to date where I'm at (or hopefully soon). I like that he reads me like I'm an assignment. I'm looking forward to watching a movie with him, soon. His wife seems super cool and supportive of him so... That's awesome. Emotional intelligence? Smexy. 

The guy is teachable. He is incredibly considerate and it does NOT go unnoticed. 

I really loved watching Sense8 with Red, but good lord was it incredibly violent! People kept flashing back to blowing their bleeps off... Like. Did Sense8 really have to show it over and over again for the ratings....are they called Views, now? Why would someone want to watch that over and over? ...to make it seem normal? 

Can't go viral anymore instantly without someone catching onto something. POC are being taken, in broad daylight, and demanded to be proven a citizen.... Sounds FAMILIAR....  

Interesting how y'all know historically how smart Einstein was but y'all don't know what his political stance was on tolerance and intolerance. Please look up McCartneyism.... We are reliving it and taking out those that look differently than the status quo of "human"... aka, Not a white man. Lol. 

I like a few.... But sometimes, they're overrated.... Lol. Three stars, maximum. /s 

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I will teach you wax on/off methods with the demand of kindness I demand... With the level of attention I need to feel loved.... Is it too much? Am I too much? What am I not enough, of? I easily encourage others, I have trouble asking for help or even motivating myself. Is everyone else taken care, of? Lol. 

How to forgive yourself and encourage yourself to do better, next time, instead of giving up and failing... It's easy to encourage others, but not myself... 

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I usually have to sing to myself instructions of things that need my immediate attention, like when I'm cooking. Make the tune the lyrics and vice versa (internet family, Dylam in Canadia), it's easier to repeat a phrase if it's said in a pleasant way... But day to day I tend to zone out and not listen, whilst doing tasks. It's hard to discern when I'm hungry or need to pee.... Let alone the more intense feelings of inclusion and/or exclusion... Especially at the expenses of others. 

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"Do you ever lose eye sight bc ya gotta pee so bad?"

Coworker blinks at me, holding up their pointed finger towards the correct direction, "[SNOW], GO TO THE BATHROOM!!"

I joke about it, now. I'm unhinged. 

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I love clean cars and car rides. I love safe drivers, but confident like Handshake and Red. They both have really nice cars, and know their vehicles... And like to drive and play with my cortisol levels...

I very much enjoyed the country roads with HS on Sunday, but Red's car is...ahem...very fun to ride in. I love going fast.... I just don't know if I could ever be the driver.... 

I wonder if Red bothered to read my story, yet? It's a secret, you'd have to know me. HS is fucking up though, by waiting around to read it when he's the jackass that inspired it. No pressure /s. *pout*/s.coyly..

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Red made up for HS's slack tonight! After bowling, we had fun going fast down the freeway. It was a LOT of scary fun. I am looking forward to cuddles with Red this weekend. I forgot that I had asked him if I could stay over for cuddles and asked again, a few nights, ago. He reminded me that I had already asked. I must've forgotten and was in wanting of cuddles. Lol. Glad he still said yes.

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I can only represent the demographics I am and have been apart of... Single mom upbringing... At least from age 6 to 18. I had filled out one application for college, graduated from high school by the skin of my teeth, and got tf out of STL.... I didn't want to always be known as That Slow Girl. Or just another White Girl? Idk. Am I a troupe in somebody's book?... 

I'm not the quickest on the uptakes. But I know what's right. Empathy is the choice I choose. Empathy for others.... 

But there's a difference between being your authentic, happy self and being safe. 

I feel safe at work and around coworkers. I feel safe around other good people. Left leaning, belief in democracy... I bleed blue. 

....if I feel safe around you? After I've endured so much drama around emotionally dysregulated humans and know the differences {I can notice accute, minute details of facial tells and stress, but may not know why} between maturity and "just how things are done." 

....I'm not going to respect you anymore, if you vote for Agent Orange Skidmarks. Your opinion of my life and how I live it isn't important to me, anymore. If I have to be louder to make sure all y'all can hear me, here's the big bold line..... 

I will gladly erase his name from the history books and forever refer to that tan leather slimey skinned rat bastard every name under the sun except for his actual name. His legacy will be the is the worst president in US History, and will most likely be the start of the downfall of this stupid empire.... he's a sad loon of politicians. He represents exactly who he is, and there are those who vote for him to spite another? ... He is the golden calf, the false idol... And my own father is lapping up at his feet, solely bc he "proudly" represents as a Reagan-worshiper... I'm sorry, I think I meant to say, a Republican. 

I think we are going to outline who is safe and who is family, in the next few years ... I am scared.

This my FIGHTING HAND!! 💖💖

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There's a Mysterious person that I have thought of and met a few times in this beautifully strange city, the biggest small town... Atlanta.... 

I have only met this person in passing , a few times, usually bc of what we're wearing... We wear very interesting clothes outside of work. And have complimented each other, before... 

Blond-ish. Poofy hair like a celebrity boy from the 1990s. Sharply dressed, masculine... Androgenous.... Fab? Unsure. Don't really care ... I am very intrigued to know them better.,. Why? 

I will begin to wander about their whereabouts, and not two hours later, there they were... Today, Wednesday, walking by my shop, again. I wonder so intensely who they are and what their actual name is. I am wanting to know more about them. 

They wore khaki pants? Pleated. Crisp white button down? Maybe they're in IT? They had a briefcase? Or was it a bookbag being carried on one shoulder? I bet they're a business major at GA State ... They may have been a few years younger, surprise surprise. /s

They also wear cool earrings, porcelain skin, lips similar to mine, and a jaunty face, angelic. 

I wonder if they're a Doctor Who fan? I once saw them outside the Puppetry Center.... So I know they love the Muppets. 

Such a Mystery. 

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Snow