Snowing

Alright folks. Strap in. Please read "Unsure" for context. 

Came out to my dad last week, then Atlanta froze over. I was at my friend Red's house during those Snow days! I've known him 8 years, and I'm so fucking happy we've maintained good friendship. 

Anyway, my father sent me an email a few days ago.... I didn't read it until last night, bc I wanted a friend to be with me as I read it aloud and for the first time. My dad writes well... But ... So incredibly dismissive. My father is like me in that emotions are easier to describe through written words, taking my time to explain my thought process. 

My father cannot get on my intellectual level. I am autistic, my needs are a lot, but I get overwhelmed and burnt out thinking and deciding what to do next. It would be cool to be able to live with friends and be as comfortable as a family. But I didn't know how to form those connections because I was never modeled healthy community, with respect and without judgement. 

Red is a dad, himself. He's also a previous Catholic, and so I knew he would be able to commiserate with me. He actually supported me. 

Red is a great example, to me, as what it means to be a man... I am still very much a woman with a uterus; I like the parts I was born with... But I have a lot of good examples now that I've walked away from Omelas [...good examples of bravery]. 

Love that story. ... It's a great short story

I'm not trans, but to me, every trans person is THE BRAVEST human. I want to continue being brave, like their example. ;) respect begets respect. 

Anyway.... Onto my father's email. 

Enjoy. Please read with a strong drink... Lol

I recommend that you... *take a sip*...

:

Dear {Snow},

I’ve been thinking about our recent conversation, and feel compelled to share a few thoughts. You will, of course, do whatever you want to do. But please take these notes in the spirit of goodwill in which they are intended.

You obviously are seeking community and eager to avoid being lonely. That’s not an observation about you in particular. That is common to human experience. Everyone seeks community. No one wants to be lonely. Also, you are looking for meaning in your life. You want to work towards some purpose higher than {what I do for a living}. Again, that has far less to do with you than universal human nature. Everyone seeks meaning in their life and everyone wants to make their mark in the world.

I’m not entirely sure what “gay adjacent” means, even after looking up the definition. But if it means an awareness that some people have a natural tendency to same sex attraction, I guess I am gay adjacent as well. I have worked with, and often for, such people all my life, and count many of them as friends. But like any demographic cohort, they must be judged as individuals and held responsible for personal behavior. There are some very good, even holy, gay people in the world, and some evil gay people in the world, just as there are good and evil white people, black people, tall people, blue-eyed people, left-handed people, etc. Immutable characteristics say nothing about a person’s character.

But when it comes to someone seeking to establish a positive trajectory for the second half of their life, it makes more sense to think about group, rather than individual, association. By that I mean that we are shaped, formed, and guided by the people with whom we spend our finite time. If you make friends at a bar you have, by definition, made friends who like to drink. If you make friends at the shopping mall, you have made friends who like to shop. That’s intuitive. But it means that you can decide – before you make new friends -- what kind of formation and guidance you believe would be most beneficial to you. And that assessment will affect the sort of person you subsequently become which is, one would hope, the best person you can be. Therefore, simply by choosing the venue of your social outreach, you can greatly increase your chances of having a more successful life.

Meeting people who are serious about their lives, eager to improve the world, and who value relationships with family and friends seems like the course I would take if I were you. It’s obvious that being around such folks would be better for you because that would be better for anyone. Do such people exist at venues outside of church? Of course. But statistically, where would you be more likely to find such people? [Catholic Church] or [improv classes]? You did great at the ambo during {my Grandfather's} wake…clear voice, confident presence, authoritative tone. [Catholic Church] is looking for lectors. That may be a ministry for you, and a way to surround yourself with the people who can positively shape your future. 

Just sayin.

Know that I want the best for you, I am praying for you, and I love you. I wish you all of life’s blessings in your journey. Let’s maintain our regular check-ins. I’m eager to hear of your latest adventures.

 

Love, dad 

.............................................................

**looking for lectors. ...this was a blue link underlined in his email. Bc he had to fix it. Reminds me of when I had told him I was pregnant at 22 (over the phone) and he recommended a few days later in an email to call *lifetime* adoption. It's a horribly predatory company in the industry of adoption... Should be separate entry... Let's continue... 

*Disclaimer. When my father had asked me over the phone last week, what "queer" meant, I had said "gay adjacent" to mean the blanketing umbrella concept of being gay... I'm still figuring out what I like, as far as my queerness, but I just know I'm not straight. I tend to fall in love with my friends, a little. I like to surround myself with good queer folk bc I'm queer folk and I'd like to be good.

There is an actual marketing movement that is called "Gay Adjacent." Red and I looked it up last night. 

Google:

""The term is often used in a positive way. For example, someone who likes Carly Rae Jepsen or isn't messy could be described as "gay adjacent". 

The term has been used by the marketing industry to describe a broad group of people. 

The term was first used in The Advocate, an American gay news magazine, in 2002. 

The term is part of a group of terms that describe when straight people adopt traditionally gay culture. "Metrosexual" is another term in this group

""

.

No idea who Carley is, but idt I'm this. I am Queer. And I am meant to be here!! I am not straight... I'm cis, and I'm a white woman... But I am not straight. I tend to lead with my heart... Idt that's a bad thing. 

I would say about my own queerness is that I'm attracted to big hairy, bearded nerds with big arms and a big brain, and someone who can command a room is a nice bonus. Someone else with a backbone... Confidence? Hi there! A good sense of fashion/humor is also a bonus. Anyway, idc what they were born as. I am attracted to masculinity and intelligence. That's it. That's my queerness. 

I have felt exponentially better since coming out as Queer and Autistic in life. It's as if I'm meeting myself new everyday... Kinda like 50 First dates, but there's multiple partners and found family. Lol but I ain't going to Alaska. 

...................................................

After I was done reading the email and laughing and crying.... Red sent my father's email to a chat bot to analyze it, and it's just... Comedy gold and fodder! 

I recommend that you... *take a sip*...

: 

This letter presents a somewhat paternalistic and potentially off-putting approach to guiding Snow's life choices. Here's a breakdown with suggestions for a more constructive follow-up:

**Analysis:**

* **Strengths:** 

    * The letter expresses genuine concern and love for Snow.

    * It acknowledges her desire for community and purpose, which are universal human needs. 

    * It emphasizes the importance of choosing environments that align with personal growth.

* **Weaknesses:**

    * **Paternalistic Tone:** The letter comes across as overly prescriptive and dismissive of Snow's agency. Phrases like "You will, of course, do whatever you want to do" undermine the sincerity of the advice.

    * **Focus on "Gay Adjacent" is Distracting:** The discussion of "gay adjacent" feels tangential and potentially insensitive, especially given the lack of clarity around the term. 

    * **Judgmental Undertones:** 

While the letter attempts to be objective, it subtly judges certain social environments (bars, shopping malls) and implies that church is inherently superior for personal growth. This may alienate Snow and hinder open communication.

    * **Limited Perspective:** The letter focuses heavily on the "church" as the primary source of positive influence, ignoring other potential avenues for community and personal growth. 

**Possible Avenues for Follow-up:**

1. **Focus on Shared Values:** Instead of directly recommending church, emphasize shared values. 

    * "I've been thinking about how much you value kindness, intellectual curiosity, and making a difference in the world. Have you considered exploring volunteer opportunities at [mention specific organizations with those values]?"

    * "I know you're drawn to creative expression. Maybe we could explore some local art groups or workshops together?"

2. **Encourage Self-Reflection:** 

    * "What kind of community do you envision for yourself? What qualities are most important to you in the people you surround yourself with?"

    * "What are some ways you can cultivate a sense of purpose that aligns with your passions?"

3. **Offer Practical Support:**

* "I'd love to help you explore some of these options. Let's grab coffee and brainstorm some possibilities together."

* "I'm happy to accompany you to a few events or meet-ups to see if they might be a good fit."

4. **Acknowledge and Respect Her Autonomy:** 

* "Ultimately, the decision is entirely yours. I just want to offer some perspectives and support you in your journey of self-discovery."

**A Few Jokes (because why not):**

* "I was going to give you some advice, but I realized that I'm still learning how to adult myself."

* "They say that the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. Just make sure you bring a map!"

**Key takeaway:** 

The goal is to offer support and guidance without being overly prescriptive or judgmental. By focusing on shared values, encouraging self-reflection, and offering practical support, you can create a more constructive and supportive dialogue with Snow. 

**Disclaimer:** This analysis and advice are based on the provided text and may not fully capture the nuances of the relationship between the letter writer and Snow. 

**Note:** This response aims to provide a constructive analysis and suggestions for improvement. It is crucial to approach sensitive topics with empathy and respect for individual perspectives.

.............................................................

I'll be late to work this morning but today will be fun. 

My dad is a putz. 

...

Snow.