Laundry

I started this blog because I didn't have anyone to talk to about deeper feelings... About trauma that has happened and I didn't have anyone to share or confide in. 

I always feel out of touch or out of sorts around others. Like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to or I'm not enough to keep up with. My other cousins just don't understand when I talk about all the hurt and I feel wrong about talking about it... But it feels like in this family we aren't supposed to talk about all the trauma bc it makes everyone look bad...

On the off chance that something bad happens to me and I cease to exist, I want a record of feelings to be somewhere. A record of the atrocities my sister and I have endured... A reason why we are fucked up or "not doing what we are supposed to." 

I was supposed to graduate college, find a husband to fix me, have kids, become everyone's caretaker.... And I didn't do that. I didn't really do any of that. I am exhausted most of the time. I mask bc I don't have a back up plan. 

No one is going to help me if I break a bone or I lose my job. I have absolutely no contingency plan. I don't have the spoons to plan my life because functioning day to day is the bandwidth I do have... And that's the extent. 

I don't have a home like most do. I can't just show up to my stepmoms house in CO expecting open arms and unconditional love. I can't emotionally trust my sister or even her in laws because they're with the idea that trans people and the gays aren't worthy of existence... I can't join a church bc I don't want to be sheepled... I don't have much of a community because the group of people I do know are incredibly tight knit... How do you get in there? 

I'm unsure how to make friends if our basic respect of human respect doesn't line up. 

My cousin said he thought a previous entry is iffy... Previous entry dug into the emotional abuse I and my sister had endured in our childhoods... No one fought for us... Everyone had their own agendas with how useful we were... 

Is my life even my own? 

My cousin's parents met in the mid 70s and have a nice home in a rich southern neighborhood. ...he has a homestead to visit and rely on. He has a home. 

I do not have a safe home. I don't think I ever did. Where am I supposed to clean these sheets my family has put up on me? 

What is too far with the information of someone who isn't in their right mind? Where is the wake up call? 

The uncertainty of life is a lot right now. But I'm supposed to remain quiet and let people continue to think I'm ok with the things that have gone on and continue to fester, malignantly. 

...this blog helps me sort out issues. It helps me bring a real light to how life is going. I'm unsure how to function and how to be a normal human part of a good community. Sometimes I say odd things and I'm never corrected, they just allow me to talk and then the room goes quiet and I have absolutely no idea what I just said because ...my brain went blank and I become acutely aware of the silence. 

Writing the speech Heart for my grandfather's wake was... A lot. But the quote "cracks and fissures of things unsaid" ... That's the thing that drives me writing. I want to record my hurt, share it with others... I want there to be a standing account of the nonsense we had to string together for a childhood... 

My family was toxic. They continue to be toxic and to divide us from their perfect family. I understand that it may look bad, but they refuse to better themselves or admit they caused irreputable harm to us... So... I don't necessarily need an apology... I need to tell on them. 

"Well I don't remember that..." is a phrase G has now adopted to absolve herself from being held accountable for all the emotional abuse we endured for "manners" that fuck us up now... Such manners are out of date... But we have to adhere to them still? 

My father has never been able to meet my needs, as a parent... And I'm unsure how to function. All the ways I knew how to be was someone's wife and caretaker... The needs of my partner was more important than my own... Only, I am more brave and courageous than the person who installed that mindset... So where do I go from here? 

I feel like I'm continuing this path full of things that make me happy but not doing a lot of stuff that I need to do to function later... Meals. Grocery shopping. Getting more bras. Compression socks. Finances. It's so exhausting keeping up with everything. How do you work on a project for yourself? Annnnd feed yourself? And get exercise. And get that virus off a computer... And clean. But don't think about all the cleaning-relatrd abuse from the evil stepmother... Unhinged as she was, one still must clean. 

...

I met a new person, Ginger. {Them} ...I think they're a good egg ... Intelligent. Stocky. Bearded. A real Gimli in spirit. A good man. He's probably the healthiest man I know. Lol. Outside of coworkers... 

I do tend to fall easily and distract myself. But there are a lot of established boundaries already... And knowing those permameters before playing and flirting is pretty great. 

I am thinking to take a break on certain events. I like seeing some people I know who are satisfying in playfulness and who are open, emotionally and mentally ... Basic human respect. Others that are intelligent..... So forth. 

Others will fall in love with me too, look at me I'm adorable. But if I don't see or hear from you everyday, I tend to stop thinking about you (ADHD). I think my immediate family has a snap shot of who they think I am and that's the person I've stayed as, for them. I have grown past them emotionally and so I don't understand how to connect with them if we don't hold the same values of human respect. That's a boundary. 

A big bold boundary... 

I like to surround myself with people who I admire or aspire to or I like aspects in myself that I see in them. You are who you hang out with ... Heck, I feel like that has shaped how I show up for work. How I work with them as a team. 

I am unsure how else to operate. I should unlearn some things but I don't have any info to replace the bad habits with... I depended too much on Crickets, over the course of time instead of having calm conversations of expectations and how to communicate... I am unsure how to communicate real basic needs to someone who is supposed to care or want to know... I am not used to that. I'm not used to people wanting to continue to know me. How do I build a community with other healthy adults who aren't after something from me? 

I want to give my time and be useful but going at it alone is terrifying... What if I say something stupid? Offensive? What if I get bamboozled again... I haven't a good idea of grounding myself... I don't know how to function in a world where I feel rejected most of the time. 

How do I feel loved and seen in ways that make me feel whole? How do I achieve that alone? Why do I feel so alone all the time? 

Am I the problem? 

Snow.