Picked (allegory)

I kept swiping left on the iPurg app, Pick-a-Parent. All the profiles of people had previous, successful, and happily-placed souls, and they were looking for more. I don't take such decisions lightly. I like to take my time, even though that wasn't a tangible element to consider right now.

These profiles were quaint, but not quite the feel for what I wanted for a lifetime around the Sun. I just kept swiping left; no one was clicking into place. No one was feeling right. 

The way a company likes to exploit The Unborn as a franchise is as dystopian as it gets. Takes a Lifetime, but you'll get it, eventually! Most of these placements are chaotic. Yet, some are meticulous. Sometimes, We suffer enough to earn the Right to choose.

As I kept scrolling through the app, not one person or situation hit that craving; that ache of need; that massive desire for drastic change; that lesson I've yet to grasp; that nerve ending of a proverbial scratch.

Every Swiped-Left seemed too involved in their own legacies, pressuring their Mulligans through their heirs and offspring; 'you must be enjoying this great life I have provided for you, since it's the one I've always wanted.' They seem to not be listening to the Souls they had asked for... Way to make your kid feel inadequate.

Some even seemed too stable and manicured! Too much upkeep! Too many ways of failure in the eyes of sucess!

...

I have lived a thousand lives since my creation and I'm still growing my strength from the past, and the possibilities of futures are only the patterns we see speckled already in our journies before. 

I had once died in a famine before my third birthday, in the arms of my mother. She had fed and sheltered me the best way she knew how and I will always be grateful for her. And other strong mothers I've had along the way, doing their best with what they had to work with, in their own times of struggle and survival.

I was once eating a sandwich in my elementary school's cafeteria, when a loud noise happened behind me and I died instantly.

I once used my body to shield my loved ones from harm in a car crash, for my last moments on Earth. If done over, I would never hesitate to repeat. Fierce loyalty to protect and love, I don't think I've ever been another way. 

I last died in a war, on a field with those whom I'll always regard as my Brothers. It was a gruesome war.

...

The Supreme Being had given me the gift of choice. I get to choose who I am born to, who I want to spend time with on Earth. I get to choose my own parents, and the strifes of their lives. 

I get to choose two people that I've skimmed through, I can't know everything, what's the fun in that? I have gotten really good at finding an aspect of a life lesson I've yet to learn. I always want to learn new things! I want to grow and better myself for the next go around!

What's it like to break someone? How does one live without regrets? What's it like to shatter and reassemble every few years? How does one build their own community when the one they're born to, rejects them? How would I teach another to love themselves as is, flaws and all? Where would one find such skills outside of a self-sought-after education? 

What's so different from choosing your own parents? Knowing their flaws will show up in me, and I'll have to sort it all out, much later in life?

I didn't want to look too much into the future life of each journey's path, of course. I want to keep all the mysteries and unknowns along the way. I want to conquer challenges and achieve my wildest dreams! Really find out what I'm made of, how tough I think I am.

I looked into the lives of these people, and everyone had dynamics to their facets. Secrets to never be revealed, issues to never be discussed or resolved. I wonder if my existence in their lives could change their outlook? Could I inspire someone so scared and stagnant? My gift to them, would be love and acceptance... Are they worthy, or would they even be receptive?

...

One File finally seemed interesting enough to inquire more! He seemed to be a walking contradiction about an ideal family and had a great misunderstanding of what true unconditional love meant. 

There were so many strings from that man's heart, steeping in different vats of rhetoric, political obstructions, out-of-date etiquettes, and social cues only for a certain, exclusive bracket of human, according to his own beliefs. Interesting perspective, considering we all die, rinse, and repeat life.

He was so sure of himself and what he wanted in life by the time he graduated University. The mother was infatuated with him and his religious family. They adored her. He was her first serious relationship.

The mother's mind was chaos. The mom was insecure and full of doubts, a constant bitter sadness followed her throughout her lifespan, barely reaching out to her adult children when they are grown. 

She will unhealthily confide in her children, as peers instead of Charges. She will lack a healthy network of other adults for support and never know a physical community atmosphere to call upon in times of need. She will be pitied by the society she hails from... Fascinating.

During her union with this man, he will try to keep her home and in her "place." She will become dissatisfied and pull away from him. They never learn to see each other outside their potential or projections. He wanted a quiet demure wife who quietly did what she was told. Which is quite hilarious to me... He likes intelligent women, but never understands the caged bird never sings. She will be the only reason I remain sane enough in my later years. Hopefully, they heal and better themselves for a better relationship.

His second union to this Bullywife, she stays home, sure. But she also constantly abuses his children. Her child is her favorite, that's fair. But to yell at these children who aren't hers, to terrorize their self-esteem for the betterment of what she thought was their only future ... Forcing them to clean and care for their baby Brother. 

Oh, I see. She is trying to impose the notions of society's expectations on them. Practice adult responsibilities as children. Right... A woman's place in the Institution is to be someone's wife, maid, caretaker, and someone's mother. That's it. They can be nothing else as long as they have a working uterus... That's, unfortunate.

The biological mother has unknown origins that will compound to a long line of physical and mental abuse. She will wail about being 'inconsiderate,' and it will result in my overthinking of actions and meanings through the lines of speech. Trying to infer such definitions for such chaos is insanity...

The Bullywife will also yell about not being considerate enough, but their definitions differ and no one is on the same page for anything. So as they traumatize their offspring through emotional abuse and the rattling of one's sanity, they fuel the fires within.

.

The differences in love and acceptance were stretched wide and in between them as parents. His mother loved mine like her own. The saving Grace bestowed through compassion; a lesson he lacks.

...

I decided to peer into their lives at the time they discovered they were pregnant with their First Born.

This man was so excited to be a father! I was very happy to see that. 

I had flipped ahead a few years and saw the joy he had in his heart when he learned his next child might be a boy. 

Intrigued, I continued to look into the cultural expectations of a human "boy" and then the concept of a human "girl," too. I didn't like his disdain for girls in comparison. What did he think of his first born being a daughter?

But I continued to dive into his thought processes. I wanted to figure him out so I could help him later, but I think that might be a lost cause. I recall the fathers I have had before, and they were very loving and protective... I assumed this man would be no different. But he would never protect above his own well-being, his own aspirations.

 

What aspect presents itself as something I've yet to explore? I was so intrigued by this person's profile. But did I want them as a parental guide?

Would I trust him to protect me? Would he give me the words of defense and support with understanding and acceptance? Probably not without a push of humility. What could shatter his ego and understanding of his plans? None are set in stone. Not one plan of a mortal being can be, despite their wishes. 

This man felt superior to others solely based on the religion he and his family subscribed to. I found that rather odd. Where does this sense of entitlement stem from? The need to feel special? One-of-a-kind? However, the spiritual institution was a collective. How would one drop feel special in an ocean?

...

I have always valued kindness and unconditional, consistent love. I value being seen and being in healthier communications. I believe in sharing the shine people see in me and others. That's true connection. That's stardust.

Not just seeing people as a means to an end, like he does. People were to serve his interests and entertain him. What were the expectations of his offspring? Did it differ in their birth order, or how they were born? How he felt towards them at the start.

Empathy and the seeking of truth; the curiosity of knowledge and cooperation with others, towards the goal of a healthy, thriving community, that celebrates diversity, not just inclusion.

Actual, vulnerable connection. I don't think he got the same message, growing up. He values rank and appearances. A bit shallow for a father figure. But he has potential for more, even though his second marriage is to a volatile zealot. 

I wanted biological parents that weren't ready at all for the children they will have, and I want them to compete for their childrens' admirations. Two will yell, and demand obedience, while he holds his tail between his corporal legs, and cower to her misplaced might. Waiting in the wings of the terrible theatrics or waiting on the sidelines for her terrible yelling session to end. She was awful. I am unsure why he never stepped in to protect us. 

I'm unsure why he'd align himself with someone who would sooner value appearance over understanding of those so young. Despite the teachings of a diety they claim to follow, but rather hide behind the name, to support their own views on how all lives should be lead or aspire to become. It's incredibly narrow-minded.

 

Generational Trauma, eat your heart out.

.

There will be love in the houses who raise me and my siblings, but who is giving it out freely and who is restricting access entirely, is the main difference. I will learn that every ounce of love is to be earned through what I can do for the family's reputation. How can they brag about our well-being? Or does he pretend we don't exist, for a better story to his perfectly planned-out family of three? 

I will never learn to defend myself or learn the proper vocabulary from these people. It seems I will figure out what I'm made of later in life, seems like that will be quite a lot. I am glad to see so many different souls who will love and admire and respect me, outside this toxic, immediate family.

They all had their own agendas for how useful I will be for them, instead of nurturing my talents and encouraging me to expand my understanding of the world at large. I will learn that outside of them.

...

I kept flipping through these pages. He was ironically built for the tundra, but born in the humid South. He and his Bullywife will discover this, together, and settle in a conservative part of the country where it still snows in May.

He was a young guy who was friends with all The Gays at University, but in his older years, imply that the only good thing about that population, is that "they keep up the property value." How charming! ...I rolled my nonexistent eyes.

Hmmm, a bit of toxicity, huh?Something to nip in the butt at some point, but how to help correct this person's kelter? How would I crush the ego and superiority complex? How would I make a guy like this, see the errors of his ways? He never earned the protection shield to supply the women he produced, to battle those who would manipulate for their own gain. He welcomed it? 

Hmmm... What if I switched up his expectation of his Second Born? Would that even be possible?

Maybe the examination of the past from my point of view, having been his least favorite child, and most difficult to love. He will distance himself from us (me and my older sibling) as to show his embarrassment of us; The Mistakes from his first union.

He will maintain the status quo as a charismatic personality in the community he built for himself. I will not be present for his lies.  

Looking more into this candidate's file, I don't like that man's over-inflated ego and his lack of connection to his eldest daughter. Wow. The fixable conflict festers like a malignant tumor. The skills of listening and reflection lost on their deafening silence. 

One would think the big life choices would humble him or slap this guy in the face a few times so he'd understand the mavity. But he tends to squeeze his eyes shut, blindly praying for his sight to be Righted.

I had seen this man's heart when he learned he was having a daughter as a First Born. He was excited to be a first-time father. 

However, once he learned he was possibly having a son for their Second, years later, his Pride was greater than when he had learned of a daughter; it wasn't equal. His pride overrode his love for his child's well-being. I had seen the gleam of relief in his eyes, his thoughts were that of 'this heinous partnership will be worth it if she produces me a son.' He placed his hands on his wife's belly as if to complete the wish. What exactly does he mean by those words?

This man worshipped the importance of shrinking one's tolerance and doing whatever necessary to "keep the peace." He was nice and charismatic when he liked his counterpart. 

There were seemingly the existence of some who he deemed less than. Some he would hold grudges and retain his vile for them to experience passive-aggressively, without their presence. And I did not like to witness such, in someone claiming generousity (by his callous judgements). 

I did not like to see this aspect in his journey. But maybe it was a necessary lesson for his humility?

Some people shouldn't have procreated, but were expected to... While others just weren't ready, and that's okay, too. But not a choice to take so lightly. A child should be wanted, not ordered like a side of fries. 

His drastic increase in pride when expecting his first son made me weep. It was a toxic moment. 

Hmm... Am I sure?

...

I ran these ideas by The Supreme Being, and They squinted Their eyes at my choice, "Are you sure, though? I fear his plate's portion control, and how out-of-touch he is. I fear the neglect that will cause fissures in all of your future foundations! The example of a good man will be spoiled by his lack of emotional depth, in which you will crave as a Child of the Stars. 

"You've already been through so much, Young One. Why not choose the emotionally mature people and choose the easier path, for once? A sturdier choice? A happier, and more quiet life?"

"I must go where I am needed," I replied. "Where my words and life will teach how to treat others with respect and dignity. If you wish things to change, you must first be the change; lead by example. Mirror the moon, learn how to ebb and flow with tides. 

"New concept to most people who weekly attend a pretty building full of narrow-minded people, lighting candles and singing in unison, but out of key. And out of touch with people's realties. People who like to stay in one place of thinking because they think it's safer than going outside the coffin... I meant box. ...outside the box.

"The lack of empathy in this family is grotesque. It's time to really dig beneath the surface levels of these stupid rules of etiquette and manners."

Aghast at skimming the same file, They continued questioning my decision. "You WANT to grow up in a colonial idealogical household? Where love is conditioned on an average age range, and not tailored to the individual?"

I explained further, "I only want kind, beautiful people as my future found-family. I want to seek out other kind souls, for comparison to this family I will be born to; A stark contrast to those I share immediate, biological ties. Others who value understanding and patience. I won't learn how to work well with others until later in life, when there's a constant lesson in being myself versus being comfortable and presentable."

Ignoring me, They continued Their examination, "it seems his wives are loud, disgruntled women that he can never confront. He has a vicious side you will rarely witness. Those are his own demons to deal with...." They flipped through his proverbial profile. "He is a people pleaser; keeping the peace is the most important--at all costs--even over you and your sister. He's there as a comfort, on the sidelines after his Bullywife emotionally beats you into submission to generational expectations, unequal to the modern times of knowledge and divine feminine prowess. 

"There will be so much neglect, Young One.... Are you sure? You will forget all the knowledge you gained seeing these souls bare and selfish..." They looked timid, holding Their breath for my response. Neither of us utilized lungs.

"I am sure, with the caveat of a slight, acute change to his presumptions of my birth. He holds too much pride, Being. I must teach him the importance of unconditional love and acceptance; actual encouragement of one's betterment. I must teach him to see good in others, even if they differ in beliefs... Especially if they differ in beliefs!

"I will have a full life, gaining a better way of seeing the world differently, developing a backbone, and broadening my scope of compassion and understanding. Those lessons won't be from him, however. I will have to concoct my own recipe. 

"I am a patchwork of my past lives, but I am also a reflection of those I spend time with... Finding the other stardust connections will always be an aspiration, no matter the lifespan I choose.

"Becoming brave will be learned from the understanding of sacrifice and honor. I will learn it from my found-family, career, and from theater; a pure expression of humanity. A respite for the imagination of what could've been. Maybe even, should've been."

"That is a creative innovation, Young One. You seek to teach him about love, while dampening his outlook on familial expectations. You wonder about their readiness, but challenge their abilities to provide healthy skills of life and connections to others. You seek understanding of his discourse, but hope to change his outlook on your purpose of existence?"

"I seek a lesson I've yet to learn."

"Do you mean Spite?"

"What exactly do you mean, Being?" I looked at Them with interest. 

"He and his Bullywife will manipulate you and Sister with the belief they are good parents and 'tough love' was necessary for your educations. However, you will differ from your siblings. You will have to dist--”

"Supreme Being, please don't advise me yet on a life I've yet to lead! I know what I should do!

"From those loved ones I will accumulate along the way and want to spend my time wisely with, they will inquire and make time for me and others. They will show the mutual respect they have for the lives around them and will definitely transfer those examples to me, for the betterment of how to be a good person in a truly, caring society."

I was becoming excited to learn about something new: Spite. From the lack of the necessary affection to ground myself and learn what most do in their childhoods. In spite of this man, I will endure the lessons of bravery in my own challenges. In spite of this woman, I will learn about growth of community, organically through trust and mutual respect. He lacks compassion for others that are different from him. She lacks trust in the general public.

I will master the art of Spite. I will aspire to grow into a better, more beautiful soul, adding infinite facets to a glowing personality of stardust connections and fierce loyalty to the protection of Love.

"You will not learn unconditional love from home life, unfortunately. You will learn of it through the examples set by your peers and their families. You will learn it from various forms of media. You will learn what was never yours in your moral youth. It is a hard lesson to endure. Are you certain? You are sure they are all worth the lessons of humility and mutual respect?" 

"Yes. I am sure he and Bullywife are going to absolutely obliterate my self-esteem for several pivotal years of my youth, consistently abandon me emotionally, and act like we lived in a perfectly healthy home, to keep up appearances to those that have no say in my life, at all. 

"Like if we could magically have our collective nervous systems instantly erase our trauma forever, that would be a lot better for his consciousness.

"Life is messy. Mending and actually changing for the better, that's growth. That's bravery. I know now that my life will be mine to live. It's going to be a lot of fun getting there...

"This dad has a lot of pompous ideas on how a life should be lead as a woman locked into an institution with 'magical' water and oils, instead of getting to know a soul whilst I still walk The Earth. I am a woman, hear me roar; these feet are fractured with the sliding doors of life and decisions. 

"I am excited to learn."

Shrugging Their shoulders, They relented. "As you wish," and The Supreme Being snapped Their fingers. 

...

I heard a woosh and a squish and I squeezed through somewhere dark and wet. I screamed out, crying for warmth and comfort. I was wiped down by an unknown entity and thoroughly cleaned as I continued to wail. Something was cut from me and I screamed louder in pain.

My father held me for the first time. 

He was disappointed; I was excited to begin.