Finally

I always thought Crickets would eventually come around and see me... I was always there... Always available to him. I understand now that THAT was toxic behavior on my part. 

I should have a life. Not have my life be my favorite human. ....but I still yearn for a companion that could be my everything. I just want one main person in my life to say they're mine. And I am his. Maybe that's my attachment style talking.... Maybe I am wanting to live somewhere where I can be my full self. 

Dad still reaches out on a regular basis to set up a set time to conveniently be in the middle of something while we talk. I've been wanting to tell him I'm queer for the longest time. Maybe this time is the time.... I'll be the ultimate black sheep.... Maybe I'll level up and be gayer? 

Self expression is like a video game, right? 

Lol

...

I can't help but compare Handshake (HS) to Crickets. It's somewhat healing. I'll complain about Crickets to HS and he'll have a say aboit what he would've done... And it's always more preferable. 

Dating someone or just making new friends really teaches you new ways you can be and you can think... I really like the community I'm entering into. 

I recall Crickets never wanting to hang out with my family or wanting to visit more people of mine. They were the bad white people, so I cut them out. It's very strange looking back and realizing how fucking isolated I was. How much he wished I had a life but that everyone and anyone wasn't enough. I couldn't view his car as a resource. I couldn't trust him in planning things with me bc he'd complain the entire time or say shit like "you're lucky I love you" thinking it was cute... But I never liked it and now I know why. 

I'd meet a new person on bumble and they'd suggest doubling, thinking back to the times in which I tried double dating with Crickets but... He'd clam up and not be jovial. He would be in his phone. 🦗🦗🦗... Lol. Not a good companion at all. 

I can't help but think about if I had dated someone else...would they have put me in so many horrible situations? Is there someone out there who really wants to help and keep me on track and wants to be with me? 

I'm really wanting a relationship with someone who wants to get married, still... But I'm unsure if that's still a remnant from my indoctrinated life or a desire I have on a visceral level... An innate need to dedicate myself to someone else's happiness. 

Oh

That's people pleasing. Lol. 

I'm a recovering person. 

...

It's really hard for me to stay on track and up to speed. I wish I was one of those computer savants. I'd be set up for life by now. Not sure how to untangle what I keep fucking up, though. 

...

My outfit was banging last night. A lot of people complimented me, but Sadist said I looked like THE DOCTOR. Highest compliment I've ever received. 

Did you know Peter Capaldi had so many costume changes bc he wanted the fans to have more fun with cosplay? ....sonic sunglasses... Accessibility 🦾 

...anyway, when I think of myself as The Doctor .... I think of that one episode, with Matt Smith, the slow invasion? Tiny cubes... 

Smith can't sit still... He can't rest or calm or regulate. He just goes and goes and goes. Lol.

I can sit still, but my mind constantly is thinking. Constantly feeling. Constantly wanting to experience something for that Dopamine. Sweet sweet dopamine. 

...........

I wish I had dated someone more emotionally intelligent and gotten to see my grandfather one last time with family. I wish Crickets stopped everything and wanted to be there for me and meet my grandpa and be apart of my world. Be apart of my family... But they were bad white people... And they are, they voted for trump and are proud Republicans.... So I'm unsure what to talk to them about. G (stepmom) hasn't called or texted me in 3 years. The fact that they all act like we're this perfect functioning family when we are around other family is getting sickening. Is getting tiresome. 

I almost wish there was some big family function that wasn't a funeral and I could announce to them all the trauma they caused and who I am now bc of the damage they caused. And I still have to learn how to love me. 

They HATE people who are fat, homeless, single mom household, unruly children, and black people's strifes. ....it's a wonder I survived 2019 (;) ...my dad likes to gossip and talk shit about other family, but if he does it in a clever way you're supposed to praise him, haha so funny... But I started to call him out on his jokes and his contact got less and less. He does the bare minimum... I was always something on his list to get checked off... Not really wanting to know me... But he had to get his obligation in as to asking to be apart of my life. 

But I think he only wants me to be in the church for the community, and I get it. HE found a nest where people can stroke his ego and he can still be a "good" person. His life is around the church. Lol. 

I am not always going to be available to him. When we schedule a time... Will it be in the middle of some activity or will he actually be available?

I probably need to call him out on his bs again. 

...

I know HS isn't my future spouse... But it's nice to know there are different men out there who aren't stunted like my dad or Crickets. Dating and meeting new people, I'm learning a lot about myself and how we are perceived. How I am viewed in the world. How my new friends like me for me. And accept me. For me. 

It's a really cool experience. 

I'm glad I've met those I've met so far. 

Snow.