Erratic

I've learned from the ex, my dad, and the love of my life, that I can't trust all men. But they never told me they were among them. 

Idk if I'm supposed to marry a man? I always wanted to marry my best friend... Why friend shaped if not friend? I really like sex. Idt there's anything wrong with that. But apparently there's only a time and place is in the bedroom, according to the ex. I never recall when he was direct or wanted to have sex.... I never understood his signals bc he never understood mine. I just kept telling him who I was, how cool I am? I know. I'm sexy and I know it. But I had thought we knew each other as well as I thought I knew him. I was treating him like I would a best friend but I wasn't his. I had told him in the beginning that I wanted to marry my best friend... He never said we weren't best friends until several years later, we were on vacation (celebrating him and his friends)... Lol. 

My own mother scoffed at me when I told her I wanted to marry my best friend. She said you'll regret it bc she regrets him (Dad. It's been 30+ years. She married her first bf. Can you imagine?) He definitely does. He avoids all interactions and feelings when it comes to the divorce and my mother. Maybe I remind him of what he hates about her? 

My father and stepmother didn't want my mother to be in Brother's life as a trusting adult bc she was an "unfit adult"....

"An unfit adult" that's what he said to a 14yr old me. To describe why my mother wasn't supposed to give him toys... The woman struggling alone to raise my sister and me, a special needs kid, meaning HIGHLY sensitive... A Valentine, if you will, my fellow intellects (!?) there's a joke in there, trust me, Shake. He's known this since my birth... An unfit adult. He had said that because my mother kept buying him (Brother) toys. 

Sorry I wasn't born the perfect child, but it feels really stellar (*heyboomer, this is /s) when you basically said, my mother was too horrible for your SON, but not for your daughters. Like, why didn't you want me or us full time, if our mother was so unfit as an adult? But she was okay enough for us, right? The Mistakes? The Fuckups? 

I think you have it wrong, bro... Idt you know I read your annulment draft... I read the words that came from your brain to describe our mother and your marriage to her. Tough read when your dad just had a discussion with you how they're moving away, and how you're kinda dumped at Mom's... And you won't have Brother anymore to count on for unconditional love... For the escape. For the occasional good life lesson, like episodic teachings that only occur when you're a son. 

Never got those lessons but in neglect and monologue yelling matches, I don't remember the contents of speech and the misbehavior of the gifted child in front of you. They kept coding as normal to you but kept running into issues with other people, how do you teach your kid that they're different when you expect them to be the exact same? 

None of me wants to marry a dude like him. He follows Ben Shapiro... What a gross fake monster of a dry man. No spine or knowledge to really praise women, treat them with audacious respect that they'd even WANT time with you. He probably thinks of me as hot and cold, but he only experiences me in glimpses of an actual personality I put on just for him. I'm tired of masking, however. A montage backgrounded in an unlikely hymn. That would be classy. 

Shake, make my words famous. Make my mistakes teachable realities of when people give up on loving you, even when you've told them over and over of how to. The crevice of love, an inch, an ounce, a dash, a minute part of self, a shard still exists.... But respect? The intention of integrity? Intelligence in understanding what would happen if he lost me, untimely, and found out his sins were here on these pages and pages of text, for all our family to read. Who would be mad, who would be sad? Who would draw lines in the sand for me while I continue to take breath? Who is on my team? It was never my immediate family. It was never the adults who could get over themselves and grow up... Showing me good examples on how to move on and grow up and set boundaries... How to be a functional adult? Who isn't an entitled asshole who feels superior to non married and non Catholics? Gross. 

I never liked that distinction. If Jesus came back, I think he'd be pretty upset with my dad and others like him, abusing 

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What movie to play?

Timeline? 10 things I hate about you? Listen to Eastside, again? Such innocent love... It has a lot of similarity to Fast Car by Chapman, but I've already touched on that in an earlier post. 

Mash up of Eastside and Blue Streak Mama...

Oh, or Chicago (musical film)?

Continue Sense8?

I really wish nerds could caption shows. I'd be really good at that. Especially if I love it. The captions for Sense8 are alright... 

I'd like to recaption Golden Girls bc the text used is horrible and doesn't convey the whole line or tone... I wish that could be written out. Lol. That would be fun. I'd do that willingly. Someone could pay me? What's that job called? Caption writers?

I should make a list of obscene mundane tasks I like to do and people can suggest jobs I could do to beef up my own bank account... I need tech help from someone I trust personally to help me.... But I don't trust a lot of people with penises. So... It's difficult to ask the right people the right questions to qualm the chaos inside. I don't overspend, but I don't have enough for savings. I don't go out a lot and don't shop til I drop. I got a few cool splurges for cosplay and crafts to work on alone, with my holiday money (thanks mom). 

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Magic is my crush. She reminds me of my high school crush, Gigi. She claimed to be a LUG, lesbian until graduation. She played French Horn... And went away to upstate NY college and fucking disappeared!!! If I can find a nerdy girl that wants me too, as a best friend, that would be cool. I want a forever friend. I promise, I can do things. I just need good soil. I don't know how to be on my own... Does anyone? 

Gigi was my first French kiss. It was new years, Junior year. Hot tub. Wearing an adult woman's swimsuit. Oh, and our mutual friend M joined in. It was very hot. We accumulated a group of boys watching and when Gigi took note, we dispersed. I had to stop telling people this story bc they assumed I was a lot less vanilla than I was.  

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I keep meeting men that are very interesting and I'd like them to crack me open, but I'm unsure if they want the same. Would they not simply state their intentions? Why keep everything a secret? I'd love to have already done the cracking open, but I cannot get there by myself, like getting an itch I can't reach on my own.

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I think my dad thinks I should have settled down by now. I'm ecstatic I didn't marry that putz, Crickets, the mute... But I'm also avoidant to anyone who can't grow a full beard, now... More than a chinstrap, please....

Just a preference. Where else am I supposed to sit my royal ass? 

I like being social when it's planned. First weekday each month, we meet! Wandering around a room of interesting people, seeking people out... That's fun. People love talking about themselves, and I love hearing about their lives.... Everyone is so diverse now, and I can only be myself around other safe people. Snow is only me when with certain friend groups. That's how I know you're safe. You know me from THAT safe space. 

Handshake, Sadist, Satyr, Snorkel (&Beauty), Lovely, and more...I'm sure... I met at the safe space. Sometimes, we meet outdoors. But I hate the cold.... 

I have to figure out when Snorkel is next available. I'd like to take him to a museum. I love museums. I want to wait for my Kermit Bag. .... I'm so excited. I love learning. And he likes touching me. So... Yeay. 

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I am distracting myself with boy crazy stuff from doing life things that keep me going... Chores... But tasks that need done.... There's so much. There's so much to do. I feel like I'm drowning... Then I just sputter and freeze. 

Oh, someone else liked me a feeld, byeeeeee...

How do I become my own mom when my examples growing up were shit?

...

Snow.