The St. Louis Snow

Tonight, I unmasked more, to talk with my Dad on the phone. Of course, he was calling me, driving on the way to something else... Can't ever have his undivided attention. Even though I reserved his time, he's always in the middle of something... I never count as someone to invest time in, I guess. But I'm expected to reach out more...  I don't know why he'd want me in his life... I'm not successful. I'm not married. I'm not enough to visit or make time for. I'm not entertaining enough, and I will not stroke his ego. I only laugh when it's funny... They don't usually land with me if it's racist or at someone's expense. He didn't even show up for my Confirmation... Why do I keep wanting the love I never had as a child? I'm an adult. Right? Why should I invest time getting to know him now, even though he's never invested the same in me?  He told me of everything him and G were doing to keep their lives busy in Colorado... Got...

There's a certain calm and how you enjoy your time off. I'm not that happy about the world ending, but good lord is it a nice day... November 18th 2024... Like... 75°F out. Crisp breeze. Perfect. I went on a walk to get lunch. It felt great!  I don't know how to fall in love with the good parts of myself. I'm rarely myself around others bc I am actually incredibly sensitive, and most times insecure. I am unsure what to say... How to act... Other very sensitive people are intense about keeping things calm and consistent. One of my bosses is a very sensitive man. It is difficult to talk with him because he is so intense, we also have zero in common... I've never admired someone like that who also looked like if my brother was older than me. Lol. Working as a team with another person... What's that like? Working on the same team for the benefit of both... Or all... What's that like? I thought I had it with Crickets. I thought he was going to be it. Maybe I want...

I've really missed the organic way of thinking... Of remembering what it felt like to be wanted... In the moments of life, day by day. The rush of anticipation... Of grownup behaviors of healthy examples I was never allotted to learn in safe environments. The sternness of tone I never really received as a child... I had got a lot of anger and annoyances from all parents... A lot of yelling. Eventually I pulled away from all of them, who caused me harm. .... detrimental to my younger mind. Nowadays I restrict time with them. Not because I hate them, but bc I cannot be constantly triggered and be sane.  I remember who I was when I first got back to Atlanta, 2016. I hadn't met Crickets, Magic, FF, Buttons, Handshake, Wolf, Showboat, no one... I was 29... I wanted to find "the one".... Which by now, I just don't think exists. Maybe I'm too selfish for one man? Sharing is caring, right?  But I really want just one main partner who wants to explore Atlanta's dar...

There's a young man at bowling who was diagnosed a few years ago. He said he was no different. He is very social and I'm glad he's not struggling the same. But I struggle a lot. Bowling is loud and bright and I can barely hear people talking, for a discussion. And when they are, it's mostly things I don't understand or it's gossip...  Loud noises and sudden changes in atmosphere. I'll notice a difference but not know why... And it doesn't stick unless I know why. I crave a good routine but have like zero motivation. I wish I had motivation that wasn't so fueled by anxiety... Last minute. Rushed. I hate rushing.  ... I met a lot of new people yesterday. My friend's party was so much fun!  He has a lovely home. And it was incredibly interesting observing everyone. I was quite confused at end before leaving, but I had made an agreement with my friend that no matter what so I didn't want to overstimulate myself. I'm glad I left when I did.  I...

Today (29th), I decided this morning would be the perfect time to completely change my life forever, fifteen years ago.  Just another day in this neighborhood of life where everyone around me acts normally. It's not like people ask. They just assume it's just another day in everyone else's reality, too... Just another Tuesday, in 2024. Going slowly. Forever in time as we speak... After I gave birth to them, I almost died. ... I'd make the exact same decisions bc I wouldn't miss my kid the way their mom misses them. How do I miss someone I only knew in time for two days? Someone without choice. Before I had total final withdrawal.... I knew it would be ok. I knew I was doing the right thing for myself. Both for their benefit and for myself. I didn't want to be bound to a city I outgrew. I didn't want to be stuck in a micro society where I was known as the slow kid. The cute ditz.... I didn't want to get stuck there with a baby with someone. Living with my...

The state of this country thrives on division. This isn't my notion of supporting the nincompoops who say "why can't we all just get along?" or All Lives Matter, bs... Like, how would you spin a Fool like Captain Skidmarks into power, annnnd gain traction with who he already was in youth. He has never had anyone tell him no.  It shows.  ....everyone has their own bubble of reality and their own version or interpretation of what reality is... and insists that EVERYONE ELSE wants that life, too.  I'm all for throwing dinner parties on the notion of consent and what things are. Is this a fancy dinner party where we are meeting about work....? Networking and getting further in life, redefining what success is and that it can vary from person to person.  I am a brilliant writer. I like and love to observe. I want to be wanted where I am, so I just assume I'm welcome until otherwise stated. I had seen a post on fb where "if a mediocre Whyte man does it without ...

Writing out that daily timeline really helped. I didn't get breakfast, but I did get up and going a lot easier.  Maybe Zoloft finally kicked in... Or maybe the anticipation of this weekend has got me ... Thinking there might be a better way to operate.  I'm definitely in burnout, but I'm super happy I have a stable job with full benefits so... There's that.  Emotionally, I'm seeing a few people and possibly starting a podcast with a friend. Idt anyone really reads these posts besides the few I mentioned above, and just when I ask about it. They give no indication otherwise, so I figure they don't.  ... I met a gentle giant recently. I am excited about him. He is very sweet and has a brain beyond his rippling pectorals.... So... Exciting. Lol.  ... Work is going well and social is going well. Existential dread averted for now. ... Snow.