Bright Eyes

I've really missed the organic way of thinking... Of remembering what it felt like to be wanted... In the moments of life, day by day. The rush of anticipation... Of grownup behaviors of healthy examples I was never allotted to learn in safe environments. The sternness of tone I never really received as a child... I had got a lot of anger and annoyances from all parents... A lot of yelling. Eventually I pulled away from all of them, who caused me harm. .... detrimental to my younger mind. Nowadays I restrict time with them. Not because I hate them, but bc I cannot be constantly triggered and be sane. 

I remember who I was when I first got back to Atlanta, 2016. I hadn't met Crickets, Magic, FF, Buttons, Handshake, Wolf, Showboat, no one... I was 29... I wanted to find "the one".... Which by now, I just don't think exists. Maybe I'm too selfish for one man? Sharing is caring, right? 

But I really want just one main partner who wants to explore Atlanta's darker side.... What evolves from there will be nice.... Right?
...

I am about to go on a date with this guy I like. His name is Handshake. He looks like a good ol boy, but has a stern way of talking. 🤩

...
Narrating what is happening in front of me: HS is doing car work on his car so he doesn't get pulled over, I'm assuming. 

He's so responsible. And a really good driver. As a kid, he helped clean up car crashes. He learned at an early age that life was precious and car accidents kill thousands of people... 

I got to control the car stereo! It was nice to be in control of something so mundane again, DJ'ing.... 

We talked for hours. It was a great night. 

🤝

Snow.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Picked (allegory)

I kept swiping left on the iPurg app, Pick-a-Parent . All the profiles of people had previous, successful, and happily-placed souls, and they were looking for more. I don't take such decisions lightly. I like to take my time, even though that wasn't a tangible element to consider right now. These profiles were quaint, but not quite the feel for what I wanted for a lifetime around the Sun. I just kept swiping left; no one was clicking into place. No one was feeling right.  The way a company likes to exploit The Unborn as a franchise is as dystopian as it gets. Takes a Lifetime, but you'll get it, eventually! Most of these placements are chaotic. Yet, some are meticulous. Sometimes, We suffer enough to earn the Right to choose. As I kept scrolling through the app, not one person or situation hit that craving; that ache of need; that massive desire for drastic change; that lesson I've yet to grasp; that nerve ending of a proverbial scratch. Every Swiped-Left seemed too inv...
Read more

Snowing

Alright folks. Strap in. Please read "Unsure" for context.  Came out to my dad last week, then Atlanta froze over. I was at my friend Red's house during those Snow days! I've known him 8 years, and I'm so fucking happy we've maintained good friendship.  Anyway, my father sent me an email a few days ago.... I didn't read it until last night, bc I wanted a friend to be with me as I read it aloud and for the first time. My dad writes well... But ... So incredibly dismissive. My father is like me in that emotions are easier to describe through written words, taking my time to explain my thought process.  My father cannot get on my intellectual level. I am autistic, my needs are a lot, but I get overwhelmed and burnt out thinking and deciding what to do next. It would be cool to be able to live with friends and be as comfortable as a family. But I didn't know how to form those connections because I was never modeled healthy community, with respect and witho...
Read more

Laundry

I started this blog because I didn't have anyone to talk to about deeper feelings... About trauma that has happened and I didn't have anyone to share or confide in.  I always feel out of touch or out of sorts around others. Like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to or I'm not enough to keep up with. My other cousins just don't understand when I talk about all the hurt and I feel wrong about talking about it... But it feels like in this family we aren't supposed to talk about all the trauma bc it makes everyone look bad... On the off chance that something bad happens to me and I cease to exist, I want a record of feelings to be somewhere. A record of the atrocities my sister and I have endured... A reason why we are fucked up or "not doing what we are supposed to."  I was supposed to graduate college, find a husband to fix me, have kids, become everyone's caretaker.... And I didn't do that. I didn't really do any of that. I am exhaust...
Read more