Alone

There's a certain calm and how you enjoy your time off. I'm not that happy about the world ending, but good lord is it a nice day... November 18th 2024... Like... 75°F out. Crisp breeze. Perfect. I went on a walk to get lunch. It felt great! 

I don't know how to fall in love with the good parts of myself. I'm rarely myself around others bc I am actually incredibly sensitive, and most times insecure. I am unsure what to say... How to act... Other very sensitive people are intense about keeping things calm and consistent. One of my bosses is a very sensitive man. It is difficult to talk with him because he is so intense, we also have zero in common... I've never admired someone like that who also looked like if my brother was older than me. Lol. Working as a team with another person... What's that like? Working on the same team for the benefit of both... Or all... What's that like? I thought I had it with Crickets. I thought he was going to be it.

Maybe I want to be everyone's warning of what not to become? Isn't that why we take account of our lives? Aren't we supposed to? My roommate makes a list of things she has to do everyday. That's what I did today. Felt a lot better after I did that! Even if it's a mundane task... Write it down for that familiar dopamine hit of checking it off!

How do you build such a life for yourself when you're always feeling alone? I don't want the life my family has written for me. My life, my rules. I want explanations of why they never made a closer bond or bothered understanding me for the sake of me... Not instilling their own agenda. Now I'm here, redefining how to interact with the world that is left for me to feel welcome into... I want a family, I want a husband partner equal footing friend person. Someone I can be myself around... It's a humbling realization that I can have that with multiple people... But I want just one person to have The Partnership with. Clear strict instructions that the other comes first, no matter our friend group. Much like a CNC consent demand... Instead but to one another person, emotionally. A hard worker, but a dedication of loyalty of body and mind. Or is that an unrealistic expectation?

Do I deserve happiness? I want it to be my time, already. I want to settle down but I don't want to settle. 

Who is even listening to me here? I want connection with my friends, in some capacity, usually hugs. Except people who are just coworkers. I'll let the fates decide if I get more friends that way... I want to be comfortable crying around you, my friend. But I only want to be physical with one other person. Chemistry is great... But the command of vulnerability physically is pretty rare. That emotional demand is a lot. But I like to disassociate in order to observe better... But if I am with my partner, I want that man to be mine, and I, his. Whenever I want more from someone, I'd look internally. What is anger telling me? Loneliness? 

To claim another for betterment of my consumption conception of what a consensual dedication to the thought of another... Maybe I'm just trying to fill the gaps of existence? I really want to volunteer or give back, instead of socializing all the time. 

Believing what the other is feeling and not knowing why? Could they be on an emotionally open level but will not admit other walking red flags? Am I a red flag? I guess in some ways... But how do I bleed those out to green? What life would I want to enjoy for myself? I had given up on finding anyone that could fit my needs... I've been alone for so long, even being with Crickets... He had no idea the turmoil inside raging, but I couldn't talk to him because he'd get so defensive and deflective. 

The stereotypical marriage of one physical relationship... The sacredness... I want to play music and make it with just one other person forever. That's too much of an ask when I feel like enough of a person to keep my life simpler with just me and another's attention. Why can't I have that? Why is society so against that now? There's no incentive to get married anymore. Why would anyone want just one other person to count on, forever? I have had myself for so long. I am the red flag.

The demand of vulnerability may have some lasting effects... If I think there's a goal to dating, I do much better. I think some are in awe of my progress as a human, but I often doubt it myself. Or even know there's words to be had in moments where I feel bad but don't know why until I reflect later. Which is probably why I don't understand when someone wants something of me because they're not being blunt enough. Or I'm being obtuse. Be a shame if it's both... 

...

I keep trying to make the right decisions for myself but it always seems to be wrong. My days off are usually filled with a lot of writing. Some of it is here. Some of it is in my physical journal. It's almost always about how I see the world... How I talk to myself. How I talk out problems or concepts to remember later. Although, I have yet to go back and read what I've written... It's done. It's out of my head. 

And there's some closure knowing that someday, these words will be read by future friends, or family members missing me... and they'll still want to know me? Some want more? Please be more direct. Please reach out more. Maybe I'm just bored but overwhelmed?

Snow.