Easy

There's a young man at bowling who was diagnosed a few years ago. He said he was no different. He is very social and I'm glad he's not struggling the same. But I struggle a lot. Bowling is loud and bright and I can barely hear people talking, for a discussion. And when they are, it's mostly things I don't understand or it's gossip... 

Loud noises and sudden changes in atmosphere. I'll notice a difference but not know why... And it doesn't stick unless I know why. I crave a good routine but have like zero motivation. I wish I had motivation that wasn't so fueled by anxiety... Last minute. Rushed. I hate rushing. 

...

I met a lot of new people yesterday. My friend's party was so much fun! 

He has a lovely home. And it was incredibly interesting observing everyone. I was quite confused at end before leaving, but I had made an agreement with my friend that no matter what so I didn't want to overstimulate myself. I'm glad I left when I did. 

I had also already worked that day so I was super spent. I get sleepy and paranoid... I needed my home. 

...

Let's call her Magic. Magic is a wonderful human and I'm really smitten with her. She's kind and funny and beautiful. She's confident. And she laughs at my jokes. Lol. She flirts back to me and it makes me feel seen. Like she's a legit friend... Like she likes me for me, and doesn't just see flaws to work on or correct. 

Making me feel loved is so askewed. People who are safe, code a certain way for me, and they usually feel like extended family. It's very easy to recognize nowadays, than in my 20s... But within, they are calm. In control. Safe people, even if showboating, bring calm. Not chaos. Control.

There was a GORGEOUS woman in stripes nestled in the seat of the living room sofa, like a cat. Now she reminded me of the lady who played Missy in Doctor Who. Gorgeous. 

The person on the edge of the sofa's chase lounge, reminded me of Wendy Corduroy from Gravity Falls (but brunette, not a red head). However, they kept giving me facial expressions I read as annoyed... But they weren't directly blunt saying words to my face... so... I chucked it up to my own anxiety and I fluttered back over to Magic. 

There was another new person. He was... The Showboat. He matched my confidence and sass. But I know he knows more... Hm. He was fun to flirt with and have fun. He is interesting and new... But it was interesting unmasking and being embarrassed and not getting annoyed with myself and others? Like, forgiving myself is easy. I had the freedom without negative judgement to express a negative emotion? ...is negative the right word? But that's the inner work, not necessarily if others were liking me there or not. 

As he was leaving, I was sitting down and he came over and scratched at the underside of my occipital on the left. I didn't flinch. That almost never happens. Lol. New person invading my space? Never. But I think I'd allow him more. 

It's odd having done a lot of shadow work, and then your light is able to shine through, randomly. I'd like to attend another party, but maybe less people. More...games.... Lol

I want a chart drawn of people and how they know each other. But there's no polite way of asking and it not be creepy. Who is vanilla... Who is dtf? I'm just autistic and I'm trying to understand This Group's dynamics. 

I ran out of spoons for socializing and became paranoid because sleeping. I got too anxious and just needed my own bed.... 

I kept telling my stories, realizing the trauma, come to catharsis, and leave the conversation. Lol. It was probably awkward on the receiving end... I go places and operate that I am welcome and wanted until further notice ;) ...to operate under the notion that everyone hates me ... Would be draining. I do not recommend. 

I feel like I annoy most when I'm inebriated. I have a little bit of a hangover this morning...I kinda felt like there was a set of rules I wasn't aware of that everyone else was operating under. I'm assuming there's drama or some dynamic that I'm not understanding. There was a joke about talking about me but I didn't understand it so I forgot it. Lol. I also don't know the person who made the joke, so I thought less of them, but they're ok. Everyone makes mistakes. 

.........

Flip Flops and I are going to Randy Feltface tonight and I'm excited! The last time I went, it was with the ex. So this will be a therapeutic rewrite. Randy's last show is always most fun. But I am excited to see FF, too. He is tall and buff and interesting. He has buckets of stories just like me... And tells them well. Definitely a lost skill. 

...

Showboat is also a great storyteller. He told a lot of stories.. but I don't really remember them. I was studying other aspects. He had on tight slacks, navy. Matching suit vest and a white collar shirt with rolled sleeves. Very nice forearms... ...he had his hair pulled back and his face was painted for The Day of the Dead. He was 6 feet at least... Just like Flip Flops. Ridiculously goofy and hopefully playful. He carried himself confidentially and demanded attention. Oh, shiny!

Oh and he liked me. Men are easy. They are usually easy to read and easier to get along with... Blunt. To the point. I like that. 

In highschool, I attracted all the shy guys... I am tired of whiney shy guys. They dump complaints on me about their lives... I wish I was asked permission before dumping their issues at my feet. I had been looking forward to that party for awhile and I knew I spent my spoons at work... so I was going to try and enjoy it. But the car ride there was nothing but complaining... Bummer. 

...I had so much fun hanging out and talking to a lot of beautiful new people. There was another beautiful lady who had blonde long braids... She was delightful and very interested in what I had to say. I'm pretty sure she was....Amazing. ;) 

Yeah so... Maybe I gravitate towards masculine energies? Decisive decisions. Take charge attitudes. Grey Sweatpants. Initiate actions. Pre arranged plans or what could happen... Planning is sexy, after all... The host of the housewarming is both masculine and intelligent. I'd like to know him more, too. But I think he's booked. Lol. Let's call him, Wolf. 

Wolf has a high IQ like me. Grey sweatpant jokes aside, I like that he wears a kilt well. Hmhmm hm! ... Actually, upon reviewing the night, I think he was in pants. But I like to imagine him in a kilt, so I'll just rewrite it. Lol funner remembering it later... His eyes are very enticing. His words always have intent. I love that! 

Men who can and like to dress up... Holla at me. I love to dress up! 

What has always been easy for me is to talk. Be of service, when respected. Fashion. Shopping. Creativity. Jokes. ...the thing with the diagnosis is unmasking sometimes happens whether or not you want it to happen, and you unravel bits of yourself that you've kept locked away, for fear of rejection bc that's what I mostly learned in childhood; that I wasn't skinny enough or smart enough... Or around consistently to be referred to as apart of the family. There was a lot of yelling at both houses. No one was on my team, on the same page of figuring me out and helping me achieve normal human skills for a prosperous adulthood. I was expected to attend college, get married, and have babies... No one adult knew how to regulate themselves and show the proper emotions, to an autistic someone... How do I fight with a partner to compromise? How do we repair? 

G would yell at Dad and he'd cower. Say sorry for whatever and then they'd move on. I was never given the notion that my dad would fight for me. That woman would blow up at us for xyz, acting like kids, and we would get in trouble via yelling match. She now claims she doesn't remember any of it and so we are just supposed to forget it... That totally works! Just forget the trauma!! Why didn't I think of that? /s 

Oh right... Your body and nervous system remembers... Engrained. He would cower on the sidelines and await to comfort us. I wish he would've stood up to her and fought for our respect and integrity. I wish he would've supplied the vocab of how to speak up for yourself. I've had to find my own vocabulary... But so far, idk if I've found them. 

My Mom tried but lacked discipline, she didn't have a lot of network support at the moment of raising us... I have forgiven that aspect of her motherhood. She isn't someone I call upon for comfort. 

And she never had discipline for herself. I take that back... She had discipline for teaching herself a master's in computer science, all it cost her were her daughters' formative years... And my parents wonder why I don't reach out more? How do I build a friendship with those who caused ALL the trauma? 

Life would've been so much easier if I had an earlier diagnosis... But then I wouldn't have known Magic and everyone else I've grown closer to... As my authentic self. I'm still figuring out myself now that I know her a bit better. I hated how I'd cower whenever Crickets was annoyed and angry... It happened often. I want to find my strength again. My self worth. I know I'm worthy of better, I just don't know how to get there...

What I've learned so far in my 37 years, is that life isn't easy. There are so many variables and changes throughout one's day... Let alone entire life... how one unwinds and recollects themselves is telling... but can also change methods. And you must adapt to survive.... I am burnt tf out. I'm unraveling faster than coping, sometimes. 

Hopefully, I can stay longer next party. I'll probably rearrange my schedule to be off all day and the next, to really enjoy it with all my spoons ;) I'll probably try to Uber there, instead. And not get inebriated.

Snow.