Wandering Often

This past weekend was my family reunion, off the Gulf coast in Florida. B met my extended family. He was wildly adored. It was very easy to have him around... He was wonderful. Charming. Beautiful. 

I didn't grow up with much family on my mother's side and my brother told me once to never speak to his cousins, Gerty's family. So... My father's family is pretty small, I think. But it's something. And they are a saving grace. ... My UncleD has pulled my father aside before, some decades ago, asking half in jest if he even remembered he had daughters? Lol. 

I told my therapist that last part very recently, and she yelled out in validated glee, on my behalf. "Thank you!! Someone else sees it!! I'm so glad he spoke up." 

Right. Because my dad never spoke up for us with Ol Gerty. I'm pretty sure if my father married a liberal, he'd be in a bunker... As long as he can show off his virtues and self righteous POVs as in ownership of a childhood experience exclusive to him... In a family of 5. Must've been like a sitcom in his head. 

I've never understood the self inflicted favoritism. My dad refers to himself as "the number 1 son" or "the favorite." ....?

If anyone was to have that title, it should've been my UncleD. He was the one who stayed and cared for the his parents, my grandparents... All those years, UncleD and his family stayed local. 

The fact that my father voted for Skidmark and this administration not only once, but doubled down his stupidity with twice. That decision is a slap in the face of both his dead parents. They were MARINES. The calibur of integrity one derives from Marines... They once believed in this crazy country and the diversity of blood in this nation... They defended democracy from tyranny and theocracy ... The belief that all walks of life can live on one land. Can communicate widely with others. Where one could be proud of one's nation, not so much wrapped up in religion like it was the same level of calibur. 

Those obsessed with image are writing their own tales. They are conviently forgetting the past so they don't have to face having to apologize or relive the trauma in my eyes... The eyes who have suffered for the winner's gains. That's not actual winning... The reflections of the pain I had once experienced at a physical level now fester inside like doubt. I work out my issues not at work, but hanging out with friends and figuring out problems... Or therapy. Therapists who are your cheerleader exemplify what others should and could treat you as... 

My family saw how B treated me... Especially when I was overwhelmed Saturday evening. "Here, babe. Stim on me," offering his hairy arm for me to decompress by caressing.

Several months ago, we had had dinner with my AuntR and her husband, a quiet stoic man I've always adored, UncleK. They live in Atlanta, too. AuntR got along really well with B. I had told him that most of my family is like AuntR and UncleK... That my father and his wife are like the bleach white sheep and the rest are grey to black sheep. ...

At the reunion, I am so glad Gerty didn't come. B had said I had fully relaxed after learning that she wasn't there. There's so much anxiety and cPTSD that I'm still working through... But being yelled at a lot by that woman and then her having the audacity to say, "oh I forgot about all that." ...I need an apology. But I don't, really.... I ask how she is to be polite, but no part of me wants her in my life or for her to know me. Me as my authentic self. I wouldn't be accepted by her, anyway. She's not a loving person; in her own words, she's a "mean mommy." Manipulative. She's like a 70 year old conservative Regina from Mean Girls... Who is also a die hard trumpster and CK enthusiast... She believes the lies... She believes the administration has good intentions instead of controlling ideas. She thinks everyone should be Catholic... That the world would be a better place if more people were Catholic. ... Being Catholic makes one better than others. 

My father chooses her over his own beliefs and his first children... 

...

I often wander what my uncles would've done in my father's stead? If they had married a woman like my mother? I wonder what they would've done with a daughter like me, growing up in their household, instead of two sons? Or two daughters, like me and Sister? Would they have had to get divorced to stay sane? Then remarry an egotistical monster like Gertrude? Have a golden child, like Brother? 

Saving Grace: even if Brother knows he's the golden child, he's never held it over our heads, which is pretty swell.

My uncles love their wives, treating them like queens... My aunts are very happy and confident in their marriages. They are all strong women... That was the love I wanted. I had thought I would have to date poly in order to get that love... Be really othered in this family... But then I met B. He treats me like how my uncles treat their wives... Respect. Honesty. True receptive, reflective love. Working together to be their best selves for one another... Not to win, or take control, or to direct the narrative. 

The uncles whom I admire and am also related to, don't have daughters. My uncle who does, UncleM, married AuntT. UncleM advised me to smile more at Friday's family pizza night and I wanted to stab him with a fork. I was actually pretty content and finally at ease, despite my insides not feeling 100%... Probably lack of good B sleep and an adequate breakfast... And then consuming a lot of greasy food... Delicious, but greasy. 

I wasn't feeling well bc of all of the driving and lack of moving on the day to night previously... But we also didn't have any funds for museums or dining out. 

We had just fixed the car, and thusly had zero $$$ for anything other than a veggie tray, buttload of instant noodles (we had brought an electric ⚡ kettle; plus side to driving)... And we bought a bag of croissants, and a fruit tray. We made the best of it and stayed away from outings that made us feel poor... We couldn't afford to go out... But we had long walks out on the beach where he took photos of me and we both enjoyed each other... I got to visit a bit with my family... When there were planned gatherings. ...

I wanted to go out with others and family, but I felt it was assumed that we would foot our own bill. Why is it so awkward to discuss money? We had just fixed the car and we had absolutely no money to spare. 

Dad didn't plan anything with us (me or Sister). It's like he didn't really care. If Brother hadn't gone, I think Dad would've tried phoning it in, ya know? ... 

He had planned an outing with me and B... But I ended up cancelling on him and moving my plans to hang out with everyone for pizza... Maybe he was wanting to not do a big gathering? Take a nap after he got in? Unknown. 

Or did he want to visit with me and B in getting one on one time, before meeting the family? 

I wasn't that nervous of what I had told B about myself, how I was brought up, and my expectations of how love is going vs how I want it to be going. ...B fit right into the family... It was...not strange. Not ...odd. It was like a wonderful exhale. I finally found my family. A person who never tires of me. The real me. And I, him. I love talking with him and bouncing ideas off of him. I love that he loves my brain, he tells me this often. 

Growing up, I was constantly told I was a space cadet or didn't make sense or just "it's a good thing you're beautiful" ...a deceptive insult implying stupidity... That I was just a pretty face to have around. Ditsy is a dirty word to me. 

...

Back to the reunion... Friday evening... 

At the Pizza place... My aunts moved the whole party into a different room, from the main eating area... For the locals... I guess... And started our cliquey talk about this and that... Some people were invested in a college football game, and others were just visiting with each other... But the room had AC and that was the important part. I had brought my grandfather's cardigan with me... Kinda had him there with us, ya know?

But it was a good little visit. My one cousin spoke to B about gaming and coding stuff... I hope they stay connected. I had texted him B's info... But no dice yet. Another cousin spoke to him about the political intricacies of their Larping group... B was fascinated.

And then the rest of the night you know from above. I wanted to stab my uncle in the eye for telling me to smile more. I didn't react as much bc it was the first night... But I did attest that I wasn't frowning. I was at peace. I had said I had RBF... But I don't think UncleM knew what that was. Lol

I was exhaling that I was going to be ok with THIS family. That they see me. What do they know of my upbringing? Does Dad bank on them never knowing? Would they have done so much ignoring like him? So vindictive of my mother divorcing him, he'd get constantly back at her thru xyz nonsense, through us? If I made my comedy around the way I was treated, telling on my parents... Would they get upset or would they finally apologize? 

I would be ruining their clouded illusion of how it was... What they must've told themselves to feel ok with the difficulties they caused us? Moving their children from one drastic household to another, every two weeks... moving every 14 days. It boggles my mind that they never understood that THAT would mess up me and Sister so much. We never really got an apology. We never had a safe enough space to spread out and call home. We never got the home life we both deserved... Stability.

A woman's obligation is to get married and have kids. Serve serve serve. School. Marriage. Kids. Death. School marriage kids death... The common core trot... It's out of date in this day and age... 

Men can have careers. Men can do anything. They are the ones worthy of praise and attention.

...

Gerty just wanted her trio family. We were left out and forgotten. Gerty refers to Sister's kids as Dad's grandkids... As she is their "bonus" Grandma. ... incredibly silly to separate yourself further... Might as well. 

...

Saturday morning, B and I took in an early morning swim at the pool... It was a bit chilly, and we forgot towels. Lol. So we decided to walk to the beach and dry off in the sun... Long walk and talk about nothing and everything. 

On our way back, we bumped into Sister and her family! It was Niece's first interaction with the ocean. She was so excited. So happy. It was a lot of fun interacting with her and Nephew. We walked a little more. B took care of Nephew as I paid attention to Niece, along the shore. We walked the beach with Sister and BIL walking together in front... Giving them a little time together... Very sweet. I still have to figure out what to do about the shells we got along the way.

About an hour later we returned to our rooms to shower and get in naps. 

Brother was just in for the evening and part of Sunday morning.... But after our Saturday naps, we went down to a little shaded pool and I got to hang out with my brother and his middle child. And my nephew was there with his dad. And AuntT was there. We had a fun time playing with my Bubble Gun... It's a vampire and the bubbles come out of its eyes... Creepy and fun... 

Short, brief visit with a small B introduction... But we all left soon after and got ready for the family showboat extravaganza... My dad hosted it. 

First was meeting at the designated place for the family photo... I think everyone got the neutral or blue colors for it... B wore a navy blue button down as I wore my starry night dress. I also wore the first piece of jewelry B ever got me... A snow flake from the Arctic. 

... Anyway, Saturday night... We had originally thought to do a musical number of 9 to 5 on the ukulele. But then I decided to recall the time I lost Brother in a Target. B is getting a better position there soon, and it made me remember it... 

Dad had brought a digital camera and was filming every chance he got... He started filming me, but shut it off a minute in... It threw me off a bit... And I told the story out of order as my brain likes to do... But, I'm not sure if Dad had filmed B... But B told his story about filming a reenactment for a crime show... 

Sister went before us, and she sung a camp song from our youth... There's a funny sound in it, so Niece got to help a lot singing it. Hopefully Dad found them worthy to film. 

Then Dad recited a silly piglatin to his son's daughters. Hopefully, he got someone else to film him... And their reactions. 

And then it was Brother. Dad filmed and was woooooed by him. So impressed. Beautiful wife. Beautiful kids. Beautiful life my father never had thanks to us, his first borns. 

...I'm not too sure I want him planning any part of our wedding... I'm not sure if I want a power point from him... What narrative would he tell of me that represents me truly? What type of person does he want to show the world? Am I still like that, or would it be embarrassing?

.

I had some letters and pictures to go through from UncleD. B came to my room and read some with me. I had to cry and be held. We made it two nights without sleeping next to each other but... Not Saturday. Saturday night he held me as I sobbed, decompressing into a deep sleep, nessled on his chest, knowing we were enough for each other. I love B and I'm so glad I'm enough for him, too. 

...

Sunday morning we were checking out and we got all packed and organized... Then we went to church. I wanted to spend as much time with my brother and his family as much as possible, and I knew that was where they'd be. It was a bit triggering, but it wasn't so bad. I got to hold baby Nephew and I showed Brother some better neck massages for SIL. ...former massage therapist has perks. I also showed him how to best use his thumbs... Best at the knuckle bend, not the tip of the thumb. 

Anyway... B had never gone to a Catholic mass so he was a bit lost... The sermon was... A bit too Zionist for me and B... But we sat and stood and knealt in peace. I had showed him how to take a blessing since he's not converted... IDK if he will... I wouldn't be against it, but it's definitely not a requirement. I never really saw the point of being apart of such a community... All I've ever experienced is irrational judgement and superiority complexes... People who have the audacity to speak for God... And even... That whole priest/child abuse scandal... And is probably still going on today. ...altho more people are getting educated on knowing the predatory signs of children in danger ...

I do like the thought of an American Pope... Why not an American Doctor? Ya know? 

Sunday... Church was ok. I was really there to spend time with family. Not everyone is that serious about it. Just like college football... 

I don't understand the attraction of the church beyond the artistry of the architecture and the stained glass... Church communities are just riddled with landmines of social cues and power dynamics... I'm not really one for big crowds unless I'm performing, I guess. But the little interactions I've had with my family's church friends is that they are kind, but... They respond with truth. I don't believe they're hiding anything... I just feel like I wouldn't be accepted as myself...

I do think my father didn't think I'd show up to Mass. He had to excuse himself... I'm sure he never expected to see me step foot in a church, again... But B needed to witness the nuances... Of Mass, yes, but also my immediate family... How we are just hobbled together with illusion and rejected reflections. 

I just never felt like I could be myself at church... But I know my sister has spoken about me bc people there know my name ... But I don't quite recall them. I'm glad Sister has that community... But if I was to add myself to it, I would be my true self. My whole self... And idt she understands. I had told her recently I was queer and autistic, and all she had heard me say was queer... She was like, "you told me you play in a gay bowling league... I figured it out." Lol

But idt she's ready for the spoonful of autism... Her, BIL, her kids, all on the spectrum! ...Her denial be damned... Get kids help NOW while their brains are still mailable... 

.

We left a few hours after a free lunch ... Yes, also a reason to attend church. I knew we'd get actual food afterwards. 

Lunch was incredibly awkward... It was strange to observe my sister people-pleasing THE people-pleaser... No one was making a decision. No one was thanking or saying please to the wait staff. Sister and dad kept bowing to each other, metaphorically... Like the mannerisms? It's hard to explain. 

But I had the thought of...good lord, is this how I looked, once? Is this what I was like? Fawning over this guy? Aiming to be praised? Trying to constantly please someone like this? Someone not even worthy of friendship, let alone a defense of... "There's been enough time [between the traumas] so you should just forget it..." Ugh. The arrogance. 

Brother and his family left soon after coffee and donuts after church... and me, B, Sister's whole family... And Dad went for fish at a famous place for actual food. That's where the weird awkward lunch happened. ...it was just... Weird. 

We were driving back a day prior to everyone bc we were driving back and we didn't want to get in so late before the next day of work. I like me a buffer day... Sleep in OUR bed together, do laundry, put stuff away ... Ya know, sanity. It's important. 

Alrighty. Well, I guess I'll end it here. It's just... Why did I get the rich deadbeat dad... Someone obsessed with being a married normal guy? ... Someone who idolized his parents' marriage, but never got it himself? ...his son got the life he always wanted. The favoritism is so very strong... IDK why he's unaware of the unfair....oh, wait. That's right, he's the number 1 son... I forgot. Lol ... 

...

Snow.