Yep, He's The One.

All I ever wanted to be known for was to love well and hard. See, your friends are supposed to teach you how to love yourself... How to take care of others. One's family is supposed to teach you how to be a good friend/human to others. Treat others as you would yourself... That's what was drilled into me as a kid, growing up half in the church indoctrination, and half in a single mom household, who would act like an adulthood teenager.... 

Apparently that doesn't translate to Christianity. I've never found the kindness I deserve in The Church. I've always sought fairness. I've always sought friendship and love in others. We are supposed to like ourselves. We are biologically made to like ourselves, so if we don't, what has to change in our life to like ourselves, again? ...we cannot live by montage, unfortunately. But we can reminisce and remember through montage. What do I have to do today to get to where I want to be in a year, 2, 5? A decade? How does one plan a plan like that?

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Sister doesn't like herself or her life. She loves her kids, no question. BIL loves her, but idt he really sees her. She is afraid to show him the real person underneath and it seeps into the seams of their marriage. I have a front row seat sometimes of him being an asshole and I never know what to say in the moment bc I've never been modeled that behavior. Bluey sometimes touches on such subjects which is pretty fun. 

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I will give credit to BIL for always saying HBD to me on her birthday. That's pretty neat. Ever since his daughter was born, he's been a bit softer. They obviously didn't really have a plan or a stable idea of who each other was and their expectations of the other. BIL wanted an Andy Griffith lifestyle and Sister wanted to be saved.

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Sister and I didn't grow up with very positive affirmations of love and acceptance, we were taught that the only role in life as a woman was caretaker... That drives people insane... Most adults who were parents in the 80s and 90s had a lot of pressure put on them to succeed... But to succeed in what? Parenthood? Lol. Everyone fails, especially all three of mine. But that comes with the territory: acceptance. 

Acceptance of what? Sometimes you fail as a human, but learning the lesson of "getting it right" isn't the proper take-away. Getting back up and trying again is the point... And to learn how to apologize... Smart people can apologize. Not many adults learn that, apparently.

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Life is short and B is hot... Inside and out. 

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I am currently on a rewatch of DW with him and I am over the moon! I swore I'd only rewatch again if he was to become my husband. I mean, he's already totally obsessed, and I love that. I mean, I think it's healthy to have a crush on your husband. You're supposed to admire them, right? 

Idt my sister admires her husband. I am not in awe of him, from only the observational perspective of him as a dad. He's a big ass to his kids, sometimes. Kids don't understand sarcasm, you putz. Maybe don't start discouraging them at the age of 5, right? He's not funny. I really hate it when he says things like that. Or demeans my sister or makes her feel less than because of our mental healths. 

Like, no duh, if you don't show your S.O. the real you, how do you receive the love you love to give? 

I love buying B useful things that makes his life happier and healthier. Is it a golden toilet? Is it a private jet? No. It's a pair of sunglasses.

You know what he got me? One of my early holiday presents? A cold/hot TARDIS mug. It's really sweet and I love him and his gift!! 

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I will be interested being aware of Sister's attitude tomorrow. We are celebrating the holidays early bc both me and B work retail. I LOVE our busy season. I love supporting My Team with product and help them with needs .. supplying people with the proper care is what I have literally trained for my entire life... But I want to reflect GOOD and KIND people. Because I want to be around good and kind people. I tend to imulate emulate? Inmulate? people around me. And so... If I'm going to work most of my life, I might as well respect my fellow humans. My coworkers and employers are GOOD and KIND people. 

I am very lucky to be on an effective team of GOOD and KIND people. 

I am happy that I'm with my man, B. It's nice knowing him so early on. I am happy but I am stuck. I am unsure the next growing pain we need to discuss to move forward? I don't want to talk about plans, I want to start on a path with him to better ourselves and show the other, our hearts, but also grow together... To level up the other, that's the point of marriage, right?

But some people say that's faith... But I have faith in my friends, most of all my best friend, my husband. He can only be one.

You're not supposed to do everything your spouse says, like my folks did. I have never seen my dad defend us against either House's tyranny. Neither wife was calm, collected, nor mature enough to be an advocate for me because I had been told my entire life in childhood to be something I wasn't... Quiet. Demure. Dainty. Ditsy. 

I needed an advocate that could see the obvious presentation of autism in HS, or elementary school even, and really try to nurture those liquid fluid thoughts of imagination. What could be, not could've been. 

Squeeze the moment, as it were. 

Now I'm going to cuddle up to my B, and fall asleep to watching The Christmas Invasion. 

Our first DW Christmas Special. Together. 

I love this man. 

Your room is too cold. 

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Snow. 

Oh, you had left the door open and I just looked up as I was deeply writing. Not mad at you, but making you aware that I am frozen to the core, now. 

Don't worry, I'm about to eat after a shower. 

I don't like complaining or gossiping. My father likes to gossip about other family members so I learned to not trust him with thoughts. I was to care for others ABOVE myself, was that lesson... But he is out of touch with my reality and all he wants is for me "to be happy" meaning "attend church no matter what" ... And the church isn't full of people who are Good and Kind. They feel more "I am better than you." And that's not the attitudes I seek to surround myself with...

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I don't want to live with a screamy baby. I want to live with and fuck my best friend, forever. That's it. Maybe also a dog... But that's about it. I'd be content. Somewhere in there can be a wedding. But it was so incredibly easy falling in love with B. He's so fucking cute. He's so sensitive and patient and kind. He makes me laugh so hard and true. He respects me equally and would do and has done anything for me. It's been really refreshing talking out issues with a fellow, equal human ;)