Talking Points

I think I speak fluent incel... Not because I agree with anything they stand for, but because I understand the arrogance. I was raised by a wanna-be WASP and an actual human being (my mom). I understand her the most because I have given birth... that's all. That's all I have experienced of motherhood. I survived giving birth... I almost made the ultimate sacrifice. I didn't raise myself through that, my mother was there too.... I understand the obtuseness of my parents' shortcomings... Their personal obtuseness is clear in the types of media they consume. 

My mother has softened over time... And she is slipping, sometimes... But she is still a measurably, good person.

I often wonder what a single white man, middle age, childless, does with his time... Where are they supposed to be in life by now? What are the messages that get slammed down their throats? 

I feel like most of my childhood, I was expected to train as a caregiver... I was enrolled in a "how to babysit an infant" at 9 years old. Have you met a nine year old? They should continue being a baby.... Nine?! Don't put such a pressure of responsibility on someone so young...

I was to become a wife and a mother... I was to sacrifice everything I am to be present for everyone else... I was raised by a People Pleaser... But he isn't a good person in society. He votes for his own self interest. He votes for the status quo and keeping his little boat unrocked. He is gracious, yes... But selective... He isn't integrous... He thinks my only role in society is to become someone's wife and someone's mother... 

I think I may have absorbed some of my father's ideals and I hate having my first thoughts of people. It takes a lot of energy sometimes, to be more kind, more patient... But most people who are liberal are like that. Anyone who loudly supports LGBTQ+ are usually good people to reflect and respect. 

The baseline of behavioral traits I look for in people are that of a more liberal agenda. And of someone who doesn't constantly complain. I like to spend time with people I can feel actually safe with... I like to hang out with those that I can respect and reflect, and still like myself... I figure if I'm going to work most of my life, that I should find a place that values integrity and a person like me. 

The qualities I look for in people to spend my time with are people who hold qualities I admire and reflect easily... I can feel safe around you and valued long term... 

...

The same people who watched the pilot episode of Game of Thrones, and wondered why the troupe-y blonde, prince charming manchild, & supposed-hero-of-the-story turned out to be a low life sister-fucker... That's the line to draw in the proverbial sand? 

Why on earth did that incel posh imposter old white man thought he could influence my outlook on life, anymore? My father stopped being able to connect with me because my sensitivity to Bullshit became too high... I speak jive... But I also speak incel white man fluently... I didn't like to spend time with such people: they are on the wrong side of history.

I am a reminder on his phone to reach out until he hears from me. It is an alarm on his phone. I am a monthly alarm on his phone.... otherwise I don't reach out. The bare minimum of access he has to me is a conversation per month...  But I am just an alarm on my father's phone. I am not his friend or someone he keeps in contact with on a regular basis. I do recall requesting to have the same day monthly to talk to him, so something to look forward to ... He had said he was too busy. Ok....

I am not his friend. He isn't one of mine. I respect my friends because they are good people.... I am his daughter... What claim does he think he is privy to, still? He doesn't reflect to me mutual respect and resilience. He has never exuded bravery or courageousness... I had to learn those lessons elsewhere, and am still learning. 

Yeah, he called me brave for getting into the performance arts... In the same conversation of my confession of finally telling him I am queer, that was in last January? Sorry for the blizzard...lol I feel partially responsible..."Snow" .... He changed the subject. Lol. 

He had said I was brave for wanting to perform on stage. That's right, I am brave... And I also recognize that in comparison, he is a coward... He doesn't rock the boat of status quo. He assumes that we all had some Norman Rockwell childhood and long for those days, that actually never were... 

I just don't understand how he thinks my life is just episodic, whenever he decides to drop into my life... I am a reminder on his phone... 

I do not keep my father in my life... Why?

What need do I have of him? Why do I need him in my life? Why does he want to be in my life because he doesn't support me anymore... Socially or economically. He has no idea how my life is going because if I told him, he'd send me money... I don't want his money. I never want his money again. Ever. On principal. 

If this was the 40s, he'd be throwing up the right hand in a salute to keep the status quo with his captialist comrades... He's a browncoat sympathizer. He told me that 🧊 only arrests criminals... Like... What media is he consuming that he believes this shit? What news does he consume where he believes everything he sees... And none of what's actually happening to the American people...

He's of the generation that trusted the news to be unbiased and tell the truth... But over time, the news cycle became only relevant to ratings and stock holders, not for telling the truth. My father used to be a trustworthy man. My father used to tell us, me and my siblings, that we should listen to NPR everyday, just to keep up with the world. 

I guess that's no longer true. 

He is no longer a person I rely on to keep me grounded. My family isn't necessarily blood... I had to find people worthy of my contributions to a relationship with respect and environmental impact and human rights. I had to wait and sift through the muck to find the people I hold dear... That I work with and for... 

Mindset is everything. Consistency is key, but also something to hone... 

I personally like to be a safe place for my loved ones to be themselves. I like to be silly and fashionable... I like to be funny and kind.... I like me... I love my journey so far, and I look forward to sharing it with those worthy of my time and can reflect respect and kindness as easily as breathing... As easily as I do. 

Looking people in the eye is a form of respect. Idt a lot of people get that treatment... Idt a lot of people understand eye contact. If I am listening to you, I actually can't look at you ... I want to focus on your words, I can't look at you; I am listening...your facial expressions overwhelm me. But those who understand me see me and reflect me well... 

I am proud of the people I call friends, but I am also proud of those who value and respect me, too. I am proud of where I work and the contributions I make for the company. I am a valued person of our team. 

Of finding a group of people to examplify teamwork towards a good goal of humanity, I found the type of energy I like to align myself with. ...I think this energy brought me to B. I wished for his soul... And poof! Here he is... 

6 ft handsome!! Likes to spend time with me? Likes to hold space for me and checks in on me on a regular basis? He makes me drunk with love... And I'm not stopping myself; I'm thoroughly enjoying myself in the indulgence of him. Has it been all sunshine and rainbows? No... But I think he's someone worthy of my time because he mutually respects me and values our time together... I am not one monthly reminder on his phone. 

I am part of his life. And he is welcomed into mine. I've never met someone so easy to love... I cherish and carefully handle his big heart... And I think he'll heal mine even though someone else broke it (Crickets)... I think he's up for the challenge... because he doesn't see me as too sensitive or too much... I think it's easy for him to love me too. I like being on our team... I've just never been with someone so mentally stable... And in tune with their emotions ...  I like doing errands and life stuff with him. He doesn't get mad or upset when I request his time... When I request his help, he is there. Odd how it's taken me so long to find him. 

I love him so much... It's kinda scary but in a good way. 

Snow.