Physical

Physical connection is very important to me. I get to choose who has access to me and when. I love being with certain people at certain times in my life. ...

In background and at home, I always want to have B. I want to come home to him and be able to hug him anytime I want. I feel intoxicated around him and it's only when we are alone. 

When we are out in the world, we are probably perceived as that cutesie new couple... I don't feel embarrassed around him and I am drunk with mutual respect. He values my intellect and direction in crowded spaces. He likes that I can take charge in certain situations and tell him with my eyes that I'm ok and happy... But he can read me and talk to me like how I talk to myself. It's really easy to mirror him because I love what I see... 

I love that I can see the gold flecks of his soul when he peers into mine. I've only had these moments a few times in my life... Remember moments I felt a certain way and could express my love in the way that felt correctly calibrated to mirror mine... Mutual respect of intelligence and grace. Mutual friendship of bubbles and knuckles... 

What are the words I want to leave to this world? To the people who I like to spend time with... Either chatting online or chatting in Space and Time.


...
Also, dads need to stop being the main writers and producers of shows... Men need to stop writing "strong women," like their end game is always marriage or babies... Ugh. I understand that most of us are born with a uterus... But that doesn't mean we HAVE to use it to be productive or to be considered a viable, valued person to have a half decent life? What's the prejudice against entertainers...? 

Why is my only purpose in life, having a family? Why is there pressure to have children? There's really no place for an unmarried woman who is focused on everything but becoming a mom... Especially in media... There's no woman-equivalent Soos or Artie or Launchpads in the electic varieties of The Fool... Or the best friend to a young person ... there's no Auntie characters to step in... I'd like to start a new troupe.... 

A forever wrench wentch... But not a fool in the dumb sense.... A fool in Pinky and The Brain ...the secret genius... It's just never going to be calculous... 

I am well versed in human behaviors. I know when someone is good and someone has poor intentions....

I guess I should start my day and stop writing...

B, we should be looking into pateron. ...




Snow.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Picked (allegory)

I kept swiping left on the iPurg app, Pick-a-Parent . All the profiles of people had previous, successful, and happily-placed souls, and they were looking for more. I don't take such decisions lightly. I like to take my time, even though that wasn't a tangible element to consider right now. These profiles were quaint, but not quite the feel for what I wanted for a lifetime around the Sun. I just kept swiping left; no one was clicking into place. No one was feeling right.  The way a company likes to exploit The Unborn as a franchise is as dystopian as it gets. Takes a Lifetime, but you'll get it, eventually! Most of these placements are chaotic. Yet, some are meticulous. Sometimes, We suffer enough to earn the Right to choose. As I kept scrolling through the app, not one person or situation hit that craving; that ache of need; that massive desire for drastic change; that lesson I've yet to grasp; that nerve ending of a proverbial scratch. Every Swiped-Left seemed too inv...
Read more

Laundry

I started this blog because I didn't have anyone to talk to about deeper feelings... About trauma that has happened and I didn't have anyone to share or confide in.  I always feel out of touch or out of sorts around others. Like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to or I'm not enough to keep up with. My other cousins just don't understand when I talk about all the hurt and I feel wrong about talking about it... But it feels like in this family we aren't supposed to talk about all the trauma bc it makes everyone look bad... On the off chance that something bad happens to me and I cease to exist, I want a record of feelings to be somewhere. A record of the atrocities my sister and I have endured... A reason why we are fucked up or "not doing what we are supposed to."  I was supposed to graduate college, find a husband to fix me, have kids, become everyone's caretaker.... And I didn't do that. I didn't really do any of that. I am exhaust...
Read more

Glimmer

Don't try to define yourself by the sins you think others hold against you.  The things people don't talk about. The level of emotional intelligence of my loved ones, through a screen or on the phone, or in person, I feel like everyone gets a different version of me... Except for B. Lol he can't get enough of me... And it is so awesome! I don't have to be anyone but myself and he never gets upset or irrational towards me and never encrouages me to be anything other than me... It's.... Refreshing? A relief on my heart. I don't feel like there's a debt building within him. He sees me as I see him.  Since my diagnosis in 2023, I've been way more open with people who are also themselves. Everyone at work, at The Company, is pretty emotionally-stable. Those who don't have high integrity usually don't make it a year... I can just tell, this will be my 4th holiday season.  ... [I know her outside of The Company, but I gave her the opportunity to intervi...
Read more