If I Could Turn Back...

There are mistakes and there are regrets. There are differences, in which constitutes one's character and how you live with the consequences. 

Mistakes are just failed attempts until you get it right... Annnnd, you should be able to let hurt and grief go... The people who can't let things go are often emotionally stunted. ...they grip onto the grief like a life raft, but they're never going to fit on the floating door, ya know?

I have few regrets... The most recent one is when I chose my selfish ex over my dying grandfather. I still haven't forgiven myself for that choice. The fact that Crickets made that opportunity about him and how HE was being treated was stupid. 

HE could never meet me emotionally... Which was always funny that he'd admit that I was more emotionally intelligent but then never trusted me with his emotions... 

"She's the brains of the operation" ...was kinda backhanded... He never emotionally invested in me and trusted my judgement... I was never his equal. 

He would hold onto so much anxiety and pain and blow up at me or others with a hair-trigger angry outburst. He was terrifying... He would embarrass me with his verbal obscenities and unhygienic habits... His attitudes towards others would disappoint me, in that he was being a know-it-all asshole and not really being kind or patient with them, which was different for me. ...because of cPTSD and depression and autism, I have memory problems... Crickets would get very upset at me when I would forget things he'd say or things he'd try to teach me... But some of it wouldn't stick... And then he's raise his voice and say things like "you couldn't handle my bark;" "you're lucky I love you, because if I didn't care about you, I'd have ripped you a new one..." ...and so forth. 

I put up with a lot from him because he kept swearing he loved me... But he never learned how to love me the way I feel loved... And I apparently couldn't measure up to his impossible standards of bending and shrinking into a shape suitable for his comfort. 

I honestly hope he's not repeating unhealthy patterns... He moved on very soon after our breakup two years ago.... His current partner has jauntier facial features, but is still a white brunette. He definitely has a type. Lol... However, through my brief stint of polyamory, everyone has a type. Lol. I like bearded nerdy men... 

I don't regret dating Crickets. I don't regret this stupid tattoo. I don't regret having my kid.... I regret not voicing my standards louder... I regret not learning I was ND sooner... But I don't regret the mistakes I made along the way... I cannot. 

Would you rather take $1M or go back in time at a pivotal moment in life and change it... My answer is no to the time warp, yes to the money 🤑 





B and I are monogamous. He is definitely enough for me and I know I will entertain him forever. 💓 

I know we are still in the honeymoon phase of dating... But I feel like a sunflower finally facing the sun for warmth... I finally found my person... But now I'm like, now what? If only we could live or travel by montage... We'd have better soundtracks... 

I am in therapy and are aware of how to have constructive criticisms and resolve conflicts... To have the right scripts and vernaculars to fight correctly on the same team, together, towards an issue? I look forward to our first of many arguments. 

I will always call him out on his shit, and I hope he learns the same for me... But sometimes, he'll have to fight my insecurities and need to be able to reassure me... Encourage me... Become my cheerleader... I've never had one... I feel like I was never on a good team until I started at The Company. 

I love encouraging and pumping him up. Apparently me existing next to him is all that he needs, but dating a healthy person means you'd like to better yourself, sure... But you also want to be the best partner for your partner. 

I will always gravitate towards those who can talk to me face to face. They can look me in the eye and have a conversation. Not everyone expects me to look them in the eyes... Not everyone can handle it. ... 

I always gravitate towards people who share aspirations of equality, respect, and integrity towards other humans... Facets that I aspire to or, that I possess and admire myself...those are the qualities I look for when I carve out my own impact on the world... My own influence and contributions. 

I hope people think of me as kind and funny... Creative and beautiful... Nerdy and cute... 


...
The powers in charge should get rid of daylight savings time... It was never about the farmers... Lobbyists and corporate greed... 

...

Snow.


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