What Kind of Bread Are You?

I like to think I have good friends... I see bits of the parts I like and love parts of which I'd call admirable in others...not everyone sees them so clearly. 

I like to have the limelight when I'm on stage... But keep my humility in check, when off. It's important to have friends who will check you, in real time. What I like to be or participate in when I'm off the clock is quite underrated... I don't like loud sudden noises. I like quietness... But I also like to have conversations with good people. I like to be fed well, and provide company in kind. I'll gladly do the dishes if you cook... But I'm pretty selective with who sees what part of me, when. Can I let this person in all the way? When will I be too much? When will he tell me to stop being me for the sake of others'?

If I could be my true unmasked self, I'd probably be way more naked. Lol. Right? To be so physically vulnerable is the right to one person in my life, entirely... The bits of myself I like to share and build and confide and trust and grow on... I like to look for such aspects in others...

... The people I value online have provided me with good examples of how to be kind to one another as opposed to unkind... That the pattern recognition I have in my brain when it comes to expecting people's words to match their actions or dictate their beliefs in others' capacity to understand humanity... How to trust in others is to trust their opinions... Is to provide one another with enough information to actually fucking build something with someone ... Finally. 

This someone is definitely reading this. He tries to read everything I post without me asking??? Dfh... My Last Kiss. My personal ADHD romantic love letters manifesting the man I wanted to marry... He has good friends. They respect him. Check. 

He wants to show me off and celebrate me?👀 And that's apparently bare minimum? Uh... CHECK 

I've never known this basic human need until I have it in spades? ...what do you mean this human likes me for me? He has seen my efforts and the pride I take in my appearance and how I like to look in clothes... Out in the world? ...how I present myself to the world is incredibly important to me... 

"Don't say the wrong thing."..."Think before you speak..." I've been censoring myself and first-thoughts since birth... I've been learning about the moments that matter that may define who I am as a person in stories of truth most family members would hate to admit about their loved-ones. Doxing wouldn't be so bad unless I could predict everyone's reactions. I am a proud autistic queer left person. What would it take for me to be a good person, according to those that don't regularly keep-in-touch? On the correct lie in history? What's the reality I tell myself to stay sane annnnnd be a good person? What level of nonsense will I not tolerate this time around? 

This man is OPEN AS FUCK. I waltzed right into his heart and felt WELCOMED. Like I was always there... You wanna see support? I've been practicing patience with my own brain for quite awhile now ... I am a theater kid... All my friends in HS were a bit younger than me. Case and point why I get a long with my boyfriend... But I will challenge him... For the betterment of himself. For us. For our vision of the future ... Together. 

...

....my 20th HS reunion was this year... I really wanted to go, kinda.... But only to see the school... Lol. I didn't really want to pop in anywhere unless I could see the people I see online... On my timeline. Outside the screen... All those stories I've had in my head, the stories I had of in moments of youth... The stories I would recall when in St. Louis might be incredibly overwhelming... and I am hopefully not very much the same online as I am off... Although, I am not strictly, wholey online......

Once in my hometown, I'd want to visit my HS, the physical building... With a loved one...sure. But with people who showed up for it, as well? No thank you. The people I'd like to see there were all a year behind, anyway... Who you spend time with, is precious. It is easy to love others whence you know Love from yourself. I am proud to be an autistic queer woman. I am from the Midwest, but live in Atlanta GA. WE JUST REUPPED OUR RAINBOW 🌈🌈🌈🌈 CROSSWALKS HERE. LIKE FUCK ALL YALL! YOU ALL BUTTHURT WE NOT COLORBILLIND HERE....👽 SOUTH GOT SOMETHIN TO SAY. EVERYONE CAN FEEL LIKE THEMSELVES ON THE STREET. YOU KNOW WHY? BC WE ALL KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE OTHERED... not many grew-up-with-a-lot-of-priveleged-people(-either emotionally or financially-priveleged)-and-had-to-pretend-quite-literally-the-opposite-of-what-mattered... The Calibur of person you'd like to be for others should reflect the parts of you that shine... 

The group of people I work with and for, are the top qualities of respect and integrity I'd like to be apart of... If I'm going to spend most of my life working, I might as well be part of something greater than myself, but bettering humanity in the long run... I can finally see what it means to be on the same page with somebody. ... I can look at myself at the he end of the day, and surround myself with other good people at heart... Because we know what safety looks like... What it feels like to be respected and heard everyday ...forgiven if stumbling, albeit temporarily...... Being able to find a safe place to blossom and grow? Not just in a career, but in the humans I like to surround myself with? 

...make my Stims into a career, I have to be able to do something like machine-like, almost... Very specific talents ... Cranking out tasks ... I get so hyperfocused on a task, I ignore a tension headache for 5hours... Almost done tracing all the 1" perfect squares for all the little confections this quarter... Yep, just traced a total of approx 4000x squares, cut up almost 1400x of those... Lol. I zoned tf out bc of the tension headache... And then one room got overcrowded so... I left...but continued my task. 

By now, I am depleted with fucks today. Today is Pride, in Atlanta! I am happy everyone is happy for this weekend. I am looking forward to seeing my boyfriend and be in his arms soon. He is an exquisite human. I feel 100% safe with him because he knows that I trust him. I am his passenger princess and I am very happy with that situation. I like being cared for and cherished. That this man sees me as a human worthy of caring-for.... Of loving and seeing me for me? I am looking forward to seeing him tomorrow... And he is excited to see me... Is this love? Or just one serious, "are you serious?" kind expectation with another human? I know a lot of people going out to celebrate ...but I look forward to staying in with my partner and cuddles. I need to recharge in the arms of a safe person. To absorb his heat and rest fully in his arms as I decompress from the week.... 

Who says I have to be courted a certain way from a certain tax bracket? I look at immediate loved ones and saw they settled for "good enough" or "he's standing next to me in unison

Whenever I chase money or the appearance thereof, I am never truly happy with myself. If I can throw my whole being and attention into a task, the better. If I can get a task done, the better... I like to get my "mice in place" and then do the task....do it...and clean up. I don't like to mop... But I like to keep my stations clean. ...I wish all stations were kept clean... And no.one chewed gum.... 

I like to be around clean people, especially at home. I like my own space and rent the amount of space that I want to spend time in... I wish I could live with someone I can also be physically vulnerable with...  Who I can be my complete self with ... I can be myself in my room... But I haven't felt ok with the rest of my house bc it's not where I spend my time alone... I socialize with coworkers and improv friends. My spoons are spent. Why do I have to socialize moreso, with roommates? Idc to be forced relations? 

They are currently good people... But they either are absent or they are a person I cannot entertain all the time. I don't have many spoons once I get home from socializing and/or at work all day. I wish I could put my keys at the door ... But the spaces I can inhabit and control is just my room and bathroom... 

Bonobo apes ... Solving problems with each other isn't an avenue I'd like to explore with my current living arrangements. Or at work... Obviously.

I can no longer live by myself and take care of my needs all the way. I don't want to have to talk all the time to be with a person... I spend time with my boyfriend and miss him when he isn't waiting for me at home. We do not have a home, yet... But after our second date, I have never felt so at-home. I felt completely comfortable with him. That doesn't usually happen. Am I gullible? Am I rushing things? Am I putting all my eggs into a basket? 

Am I finally with someone worth betting on, with my life? The belief of a good life, together... The belief that the other person will not leave suddenly..  there will be outloud-discussions and words said outside of one's brain... The belief that the other person cares for the other... Emotionally and physically.

...it has been quite entertaining experiencing a new relationship, but really noticing and enjoying this person as is... The way he is celebrating our moments together make me feel grateful for coming onto him, first... Lol. I wish to always to be able to access him whenever I want him... But also to converse with him on topics of nonsense and fantasies.... I would want to watch movies and shows and write them nonchalantly... I want to casually have a life together, full of creative projects and endeavors...not necessarily having children ...in fact, no thanks for now...or ever...... I want to represent that in which I work at and respect... 

Integrity is the key to taking care of oneself emotionally... A healthy partner can help heal up the holes you may have inside the cavity of your heart..... Sometimes, a partner has to show you how you like to be loved, in kind. How to not be a colander, but be a mirror... A healthy friend can heal those places, too. ....but a romantic/sexual partner can use spackle....as a friend only has a windbreaker... Lol.

Pride in Atlanta... National coming-out day...

AntiRiech... Anti-red. 

Fashion against fascism...

My brain is tired... I must slumber to recharge my spoons.... 🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄

...

Snow

P.S. ... Honey Wheat 🍯🌾