True Happiness?

I saw you. Twice now. 

Totally honest? I wish nothing but the best for you. I hope you've found true happiness and true depth and are growing fondly of your partner. I hope you're not repeating the patterns of woe that were in our relationship. 

I had stupidly given a boy my heart, thinking it was reciprocated... I thought you had given me yours, but all you wanted was to be admired, all you wanted was constant validation without the work of growth and change and becoming stronger together... You never trusted me with your heart. You never wanted me to love you all the way... Maybe bc you never healed enough to know how to live yourself. You had kept saying I was "the brains of the operation," but were you saying that phrase facetiously? 

Were you making fun of me?

You had always thought that I was more emotionally intelligent than you, but I'm not sure why you never trusted me to learn of your inner chaos. I once thought that your dirty mouth was the only one to be with me forever... That I deserved to be with a monster of chaotic anger like you ... 

Are you repeating history? Are you doing the same nonsense to that young woman you're with? Are you entrusting her with your heart or are you also nurturing it through a cage? The key isn't finding the right person outside of yourself, man. It is working you to unlock yourself, so you can love fully. So you can grow empathically by learning first how to regulate yourself, don't make your emotional blow ups everyone else's problem like a fucking toddler... Have you forced the new gf to endure your chaos and dirty mouth without relief? Have you made it her problem to deal with you? Do you also assume she can read your mind of wants and let your resentments grow like a cancer in your relationship with them? Are you wearing them down? 

Are you making them cut away parts of their natural beauty or does she rip you a new one back? Neither is that healthy. Please don't dull her shine. Don't use her light as a merit badge. Find your own voice... With grace and patience... 

I thought we had had a mutual agreement of encouragement and love. I thought we were choosing each other every day... But we stopped talking to each other. I had became silent about my feelings bc I didn't want to hurt you when you hurt me... Because you didn't want to jump down my throat with your big unhinged feelings. You always said "it killed me to hurt you" so I took it upon myself to make myself smaller. To make myself quieter and without needs. It was always so scary to approach him with what I'd like from him... But I always felt like I was bothering him. The eye rolls. The exaggerations. The gaslighting so he'd avoid "getting in trouble" ... That my infatuation with his good side would outweigh his cries for constant admiration without reciprocation. 

I think he thought that he was a piece of shit, undeserving of me... I think he had said once, "I don't think I am the man you think I am" .... Which now with hindsight, was very true. Lol. Crickets would never reciprocate worthiness because he doesn't believe he's good enough for the people he dates. Eventually, maybe his current lady will eventually see his character and leave, just like I had to. 

But man, did he love soaking up my admiration.

"I miss the way you used to look at me." He could never become that type of man for me... He never thought he deserved me.... He was finally correct. 

B accepts me and has the abundance of patience and acceptance as I do for him. He is emotionally open and caring and trustworthy. He is honestly everything good I like in myself. ...I think it's incredibly important to surround yourself with people that love you for you, sure... But also people who are good for themselves, too. I am attracted to intelligence, kindness, and masculinity... Turns out the first two are bare minimum for most. 

I wonder if Crickets' new person even knows my face. She didn't recognize me both times. 

...

On Friday night I had seen Crickets on the back atrium of the Marriot. I was volunteering at the time so couldn't approach or acknowledge... But I had ducked behind the door briefly, as he passed by. He was smiling naturally. He was happy... I was so happy when I saw his happiness... I honestly wish him the best. 

He was wearing a standard Luigi costume ... He was always creative, but never had a lot of follow thru when it came to making anything ... And whenever I tried, it seemed like he was an unbothered model destroying my piece whilst out partying the night before... Been watching project runway a bit since Hulu... 

He was without his plus 1 at the time. 

...Sunday afternoon, I had seen him in passing, on the bridge, holding bags... With his lady friend. She was talking about something and I was in my phone trying to memorize where I was going next. And he had a scowl on. I'm unsure if he clocked me that time... I am honestly very happy for him... However, an ounce of me hopes that if he did see me, that it ruined his day. Lol

...

Everything I've been hesitant with bringing up with B has been welcomed, followed, and multiplied. Everything I once held onto as my problems he wants in on to help me and make my life easier, not harder. 

I do fear that he will get tired of me ... But he doesn't drink anything but water everyday... He has stated as much and has assured me that he won't leave. That I'm the best thing to have happened to him... Which is what Crickets used to say. ...so I don't naturally trust his statement... His actions match his words so far, and I still don't trust the consistency? It will take me time to trust another with my whole heart... But so far, I've grown so much through taking improv and trusting the other person in a scene, let alone trusting the other with friendship and deep reverence. 

Most of my classmates think I'm rated G and innocent. Lol. B definitely lucked out with my freaky ways. But I feel like I need so much attention, otherwise. B follows thru with just about everything he says he's gonna do and I am still hesitant sometimes bc I've been so conditioned with the past guy... I keep anticipating a secret wife or 5 kids he's been hiding from me. Lol

.......

Last day of con and then I'm dead to the world until Tuesday. Tuesday I go to work, but I'll be able to chill out fully with the bf that evening. 

We've been going through an issue and I hope to God I see blood soon. 

...

Snow