Steps

Sometimes I think about the desire to have kids. To birth another human. It's like a biological clock set up by society. 

Statistically, women are having kids later in life, when they can afford them and actually want them... When they're ready to start a family. I'll always be a little jealous of that. 

However, this cuntry and the laws and policies being etched into holding a license to save lives, it is UNSAFE TO BE PREGNANT NOW. What happened to me could happen again... And I 100% believe I'd be left to bleed out on the table... Than someone losing their license to save people... Tell me how that makes sense. 

The alt-Reich is claiming they're all about saving lives, but they've been weaponizing despair. They aim to control... What better herd of sheeple than the devout?

American Christians are always the most arrogant, narrow-minded nincompoops ever to claim knowledge of what God wants... It's never made sense to me growing up in that household, being told to treat others as you would like to be treated, and then my examples being unkind and even thoughtlessly vindictive in action and in words. They tout The Word, but their actions are always misaligned.... They want the last say... They want the last word. These ignorant fools have the audacity to speak for God? ... Isn't that a fallacy? 

I have a strong desire to tell my story, publicly, and what happened to me at 22 bc they like to hush hush and shame the Birthmom... Must be drugs, is usually the assumption... Very annoying how I am portrayed thus far... I'd like to correct it.

It wasn't a coined phrase at the time of my near-death experience... But the reason I chose adoption was Generational Trauma ... The regret of having to have kids to figure yourself out ... That's a stupid concept. It is not a good enough reason to have kids... Children will teach you a lot if you're willing to learn, but having kids won't fix you... Y'all need to fix yourselves before having children... Teach them to self-soothe and -advocate and -regulate ... 

I knew a group of girls after high school who all got pregnant together from various dudes, bc they had no other prospects for secondary education. They are not less than me bc they chose parenthood... Most women in society who choose to be childless isn't bc we don't want them ... It's bc the resources to raise them in an actual loving home are scarce. 

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The LOtR movies were popular in HS... Everyone was fawning over the blonde twink with a pointy stick, and I'm like ...give me a 6' Ghimli, and I'll be happy. 

I am monogamous again with a person I'll refer to as Babe (or B ). He's a 6' Ghimli, nerdy, strong, kind, and patient. His eyes are like molten amber, honey, and Tanzanian chocolate... His touch is intoxicating and my Spidey senses go off bc I have felt these similar feelings before ...a long time ago, 🦗🦗... I'm trying to enjoy the NRF, new relationship feeling... But my anxious attachment style is waiting for the other shoe to drop... He'll find something out and leave me in the dust ...

I could never envision Crickets totting a diaper bag and being more selfless and caring ... Even though he was a server, he never understood that I viewed partnership as serving each other ... He always took, but never learned how to fill my cup over the course of 8 years... He never wanted to know me or see me grow...

Babe has never had a long term relationship, so I'm extra cautious. He is goofy and playful and encouraging, unlike the ex, Crickets. 

Babe wants to be an actor/voice actor... I want to be a writer/voice actor... And it's more than just words, he is taking physical steps towards his ambitions... And I absolutely adore that gumption.

I want to create an animated show about my life stories and share with the world (and thus my kid somewhere out there) what it is like to be me... What it was like being me. And about my childhood. I don't want an apology at this point... I want to tell on my folks and let society decide whether or not they're good people... Since appearance is more important than truth and healthily loving one another. 

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I fear I am just acting... That I'm putting on a constant play or an extravagant façade of joy. But I have never felt more seen by another individual  before that I was romantically involved with. I see a future with him? I see a creative endeavor kinda life with him... Childless adventures can still be fulfilling, and have been so far. Besides, I gotta have a safe place for my nibblings to escape my siblings.... Lol. Gotta be that cool aunt of refuge... Possibly also a funcle... 💖

I still have a biological urge to procreate ... But I know it is extremely risky for my body to endure the stress of developing a life, let alone raising a human in a healthy home. I don't want the feeling of regretting my kid... I don't want to have them out of expectations... I want to have them when I feel safe enough to ... Because aren't we supposed to want that? One is supposed to WANT the whole enchilada of parenthood, life long commitment... I also don't want my kids to hate or loathe me, even if silently...

Why would I want to interrupt my peace? Why would something so selfless be thrusted upon someone too busy and enjoying themselves... being selfish? 

Doing what I want for myself, who I just met like 2.5 years ago? After diagnosis, you tend to start changing from the versions your people know you as, and fade into one congealed mess... And then you start unraveling the masks you've been wearing and lose skills too ... The skills learnt while wearing those masks are gone now... and I have to relearn how to take care of myself ...I don't think I'll ever have enough spoons to be a healthy enough mom to a kid ... The option of children is the better choice. Nibblings are a godsend.  

But anyway... Since my diagnosis, I've been unmasking more and more... And once those unravel, you cannot reinstall them as masks... I have to learn new steps towards my goals and it's getting harder and harder to do everything on my own. I just want a best friend for life ... 

After a lot of unmasking, you sort out to find on the diamonds in the authentic version of rough... To really capture a glow, a special interest should be cultivated.... Nutured. Grown. I might have a shattered heart, but that doesn't mean I can't make beautiful stained glass.

A child should get a lot of attention and encouragement... I barely have a spoon at the end of my day, how could I raise a child in this environment of life? Even if B wanted kids, having them changes you. Would I still like him at the end of a busy ass day? Would we still have time for one another? ...

If we take out the responsibility of children, we are choosing each other's well-being. We are here for one another. We want to grow together, creatively, having the loudest cries of joy along the way... ✨

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The govt is offering $1K to encourage babies ... Lololol. That's half of rent for 1 fucking month... Or at least just a week of food... Like.... The older generation is so out of touch of what the majority of the working class is going through...

My father reaches out to me sometimes, but I don't like myself after I talk with him... He's always in the middle of something or on his way to something else, instead of speaking with me... Even though we scheduled a time. Even though I scheduled my time... he misses the version of me that he could entertain and get a dopamine-fueled pat-on-the-back of being a bare-minimum father... 

I had tried requesting a routine, predictable, monthly phone call, but he said that was impossible... He's a busy man. And thus, we lost touch... I have endured life without him or his silly expectations of what I should be doing. I love what I do for work ... Idk what id do if I didn't have my job ... There's so many perks. 

I understand that my dad loves me, much like I love my kid... Similarly, I don't know my kid. My own father doesn't want to know this version of me bc I am defying family obligations and saving myself and others from generational trauma... The expectations of returning to church and finding a virgin man no woman has wanted to spend time with is in control of my life, after we get married, and the intention of having children.... The pressure of sacrificing my body and life for the production of a schmuck's offspring? No thanks. 

Babe doesn't want kids for similar reasons... My life isn't my parents' checklist. I will date and love who I want. When I want. How I want. 

I have found that whenever I chase money, I am never happy. If I follow compassion and grace and integrity, I have met some WONDERFULLY kind people. People who understand how to love an individual with boundaries and respect. 

Both me and Babe have ADHD... I have autism and even though I see similar traits in him, from my autistic perspective... I am way too close and don't have the proper knowledge to diagnose... We like to watch movies and animated shows and discuss life. I met him at improv class 3 months ago and had an instant crush. He was too timid and cautious to approach me. But he did have a dream about me...

Being so seen by another individual makes me so cautious... Like, he's obviously lying! He's pretending to like me... He's pretending everything. He'll leave any minute in a huff of anger bc I asked for a need to be met...

Crickets and his critiques play in the back burners of my brain. My heart has been shattered over and over again by men who have claimed to love me, but just by words...and even those promises were never held up... Actions never matched their words or intentions... 

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My mother has asked for forgiveness before, and she has received it. Looking back on life and the context of history and inflation... She did the very best she could in the moments that mattered. 

I would've had a better life if I had been taught different lessons and tolerances and been taught how to fight for myself, not just for others. How to be the best version of me without so many layers of masking, and being someone I'm not. 

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There is an autistic trait of "strong sense of justice." ... And it's always labeled as a bad thing? But... Wouldn't you want someone fighting for justice? Fighting for the correct side of history? Someone to stand beside you, helping with your moral compass? Navigating life? 

My father installed people pleasing in me, and I've had unlearn a lot to be a better version of myself, today. Being a yes man to everyone must be exhausting for him... But I am not his parent. 

I've had to work really hard at being a responsible human being, let alone a good SAFE human being. Being thought of as a safe space is the highest compliment. ...I was also once complimented with "you dress like The Doctor" ....wow, that one is definitely on-par... 

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B is going to help me set up for live streaming ... I've showed him my fashion creations and he says I should share that with the world, too. I think I might wear my green flannel today ... Brace myself for the children who come into the market being children. Loud and obnoxious... The exact examples I see that prove I don't want kids... Lol

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I could see myself growing old with B... It scares me bc I have once felt this way about Crickets... And I had thought we were going to get married and have the life we both wanted... I bought him a ring for God sake...

We have had some miscommunications so far, but nothing has been a yelling monologue or match... Unlike what Crickets would get loud and scary about. 

It's so strange dating someone healthy? Like, B is emotionally open and regulated? And he...treats me with respect and interest?

Is this witchcraft? Or is this what all those songs and sonnets are about? 

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Snow.