No Pressure (dfh)

He excites me in ways Crickets used to. I am a wildly expressive person with stories out the wazoo ...I am cautious. I know that I'm beautiful and fascinating. Am I just a new shiny thing or am I a serious consideration?

We are exclusive. We have titled Babe to one another. And the connection is palpable. Our starsust connection. I know that I have grown for the better since Crickets. 

I quit smoking. ... I know I'm a different person with actual goals and plans. With interests that I didn't have to fight for center stage bc he claims he's here for everything...

Did I wish for him? (Practical Magic). Did others put their wishes out into the universe for me to find happiness in another? I am attracted to those that reflect the good parts I like about myself. He is goofy, kind, and patient. I think he's handsome and funny. He's CLEAN. Tall. He brushes his teeth and .. He makes me laugh. He loves my writing and I know he's going to read this. He makes space for me, he isn't selfish. He regulates himself, bc that's his passion, acting. 

He loves that I'm blunt and truthful. ...he has ADHD ...I fear that if he seeks another diagnosis, that he'll change for the better for himself, but he'll change wanting to be with me. I think it's abundantly important for a wandering individual to seek out their own diagnosis. 

I felt that is what happened when I was with 🦗🦗. When I got my diagnosis in 2023, I had felt whole muscle groups in my back, neck, and jaw release tension. Decades of stored trauma and my nervous system holding onto internal pain, pent up from childhood...  I gave myself permission to speak the way I wanted to, again. With the autistic accent... With pride and confidence... I have found my people! This is the way! 

(Autistic Culture podcast💖💖)

...

I reeeeeaalllly like him. He's fascinating, in that what I see, is obviously him... He presents himself so well. Did Wendy send him to me? I had sized him up from the first class of improv 2 and kept my distance because of an internal rule... No dating classmates and coworkers... Butttt... He's tall, bearded, and wildly affectionate.

...

At the end of improv 2, I wasn't sure if I was going to connect with him again, and I really wanted to know him. 

So we were in his roommate's car with his roommate driving me home from an improv showcase we all attended as a group... So I asked his roommate for his number and then I had asked him... He entered his information into my phone, changing the name I had typed in, (his actual name) to "Caesar"... I eventually changed it to Spartacus... And then he had to guess it... Twaz a fun game. 

He is so much fun to continue the bit, with... And he doesn't flinch. He can play and initiate. He doesn't say "you're the brains of the operation," & then treats me poorly out of the public eye. He loves spending time with me, and I, him...... 

He says, "you're worth it" when accommodating me? Is that bare minimum? Is that respect? Love? Consideration? Will he be able to defend me against myself? 

...

There's Tall Janet (TJ) and blonde Janet in class. That's bananas to me bc my name is usually the most common of a group... Kinda nice I'm the only one. 

Anyway, during break, I waltzed into the classroom and TJ beckoned me over with her hooked index finger flexing. I felt like I was being called over by the popular girl. She wanted to know the details, who asked out who... Where we've been on dates. Flirtiness. What's the tea?

It was fun to brag about him... Mostly because others have also witnessed his goodness. It was nice being encouraged. Is this what a friend group feels like? When everyone likes and respects, and trusts you? I know what a team feels like because of the company I work for... But I've never had a friend group before... 

I do like that no one but Babe knows my tragic backstory. I get to hang out with these wonderful people still, and they don't know the shards of brokenness I hold within myself... It's nice. I know eventually I'll want to tell everyone... I know there's going to be a story that'll come out of me and everyone will stare in shock and want to ask questions... I don't mind. I'd rather they know. But I am enjoying the time before they know. 

I'm looking forward to our group pickle ball outting, that will be fun!! 

I really like Babe. But I feel a constant worry that he'll find out something about me and that's it. He's done. Finished. Gone. All the invested laughter means nothing. He'll leave, eventually. Everyone leaves.

But I think I'm ready for another relationship. I broke up with everyone and we decided that me and Babe are exclusive now. Monogamous. I have felt it for some time, honestly. Being poly hasn't been working out and hadn't given me the attention I'd prefer... 

I have found I like close friends poly and/or kinky. They are usually more emotionally intelligent and kind. Consent is paramount. And they are more understanding of unusual backstories. 

However, I think it will be fun to show him my world of kindness, consent, and kink. Theater kids, amiright?

...

Snow.