Edges

Sleep deprivation keeps me on edge. Constant noise, banging around, moving ... And causing constant disruptions. 

I'd be in a moment of thought, and a sudden noise like a parent yelling for no reason yelling something I didn't understand. If I didn't understand it, why would I remember it? I do recall eventually having to stop whatever I was in the middle of and I do remember there was always a lot of yelling about behavior... But no one had the words to convey what they wanted or needed... Calmly. 

How I can I provide something I didn't first understand. And how would you want to have conveyed better?

My mother snored like a fucking bear. With a chainsaw. And a jackhammer. 

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Crickets was a HORRIBLE BEDFELLOW. Sex was fine. Whatever. But as a guest in my bed he was very disrespectful. I am a light sleeper. He could've found a solution to make himself not snorey.... And for those who are like, nah that's your own things to deal with.... K. What that argument would've made me feel is that I'm wrong with wanting a full sleep... He also smelled awful... But I tolerated it bc I was no better.... It was so hard to approach him about maybe cleaning.... 

And I think I had talked myself into standing up to him and I "snatched" his headphones off his bigass head ...I didn't snatch them at all! He big-fished and exaggerated my actions....... I remember being extra careful bc despite his big ass head, I didn't want to damage his property...I went slowly.... Would he have rathered that outcome and expect that kinda manipulative behavior? Sorry buddy, not my style, bro. Weirdo. 

PDA telling another PDA what to do... What could go wrong? Lol. The blind leading the blind ... 

Like, I don't remember my father ever really yelling at me because the emotions weren't the same irratic and loud emotions compared to the women (or eventually, Crickets). My father never really lost his cool, as it were, around me except one time... 

He did ask me rhetorically once, "why are you ruining my marriage?" But I was 22, and thought I had finally gotten to spend consistent time with my family, but my stepmom wanted me to go to church and find a husband and make my own family, elsewhere... Get on with your own family elsewhere... She didn't want to share my dad constantly. He had other obligations to her and their son, first. I wonder if they see me as an unfit adult as my father once told 14 year old me, "[me and G] think that your mother is an unfit adult for Brother." .... An unfit adult for your son, but alright for your daughters? Not enough unfit for us? We are ok having an unfit adult in our lives? So we can grow up to be other unfit adults? Never being good enough? 

You and your sister have never been part of HER family... 

We were constantly left out or tact on for "here I made an effort to include you" merit badge... But it wasn't done well. We were always supposed to include her in everything, but we were never made to feel special, when she wasnt the center of attention... I had 9 years and Sister had 11 on her being included in this nutso family.... One up one another... Uncle P already floundered....better not have failed again... Even though he married a bully. So how was I supposed to learn what I needed in those crucial moments to learn how I feel loved? How I feel respected? I wish I was motivated to be a different certain way in the head for someone else to decipher later this job wish wash timey wimey dribble... Moon face... Decipher later in life what I meant and when... Hopefully I make sense to someone. I felt like I had to keep going for Their success someday.... Have to make my life as crazy as possible so it'll be quite the tale to tell about...

.... Can someone else speak my love language well? 

Will that ever happen? Will anyone else have the ball sack set to start a conversation with me and ask me out to my face? 

Over the years, I had to learn who was safe and who wasn't. Who to look for in a crowd to feel safe from the others.... Was to find The Othered.... 

Everyone who isn't white... And privileged. Everyone who has multiple tattoos. Everyone who can look me in the eye, when others seem to not be able to. Everyone who sees me as an equal.

To feel listened to... 

It is a lost art. The bar is in hell... 

I have had to constantly be aware of myself with MY face and ass and everything else someone on the street sees immediately about me... 

Who is a friend and who is a foe. Who is safe and who isn't. The LGBTQ+ communities and festivals have all made me aware of who I am, and am also safe to be around. Like a badge of shared honor. A membership. An understanding. Trust.

An accountability to authenticity. I got complimented on my shirt several times today, "PROTECT TRANS KIDS" and my bag, with a Tradis, ofc... But it's Atlanta. It's hot as balls.... The outfit I WANTED to wear was too impractical... Too many layers. I needed to stay practical and able to move around. I was there alone, but I was quite overwhelmed... Functioned and walked around where I knew I have been there before. 

...there was only one Buttwipe with a megaphone yelling how we're all going to hell... So that was good... He was shut down like 2 times and then got escorted away... 

Omw towards Junkman's Daughter, I was catcalled by another woman. Was the first in awhile... First being a woman. 

Really gotta do something about this magnetism... 

...

I met up with an Improv2 classmate at Dad's Garage for a 10:30p show. After that, he wanted to continue at another bar in Decatur, but I was spent. No more spoons. I mean, I could have maybe spent one more, but I'd rather spend time with Red and his doggos today. 

Crickets was always on edge bc he never felt safe enough with me to share his vulnerabilities. And I never figured out how to properly hold space for him because he never informed me on how to do that.... And I also returned the favor of never telling him how to love me... 

I mean, I thought he wanted to learn me as deeply as I wanted to know him... But I was his first serious relationship. I am not a good starter kit for a gf.... I am not wanting to mother a partner. I want to find a partner that will properly hold space for me, equally.... Not just spend time with me. If you cut me off through avenues of communication, I will stop communicating... Most times, it's easier to talk here... In writing... If you don't read the newsletter, how will you know what to reach out about... 

...one should have kids wanting to meet another person. An individual. A person in which to nurture and teach and propel into the future. 

NOT AN EXTENSION OF YOURSELF. I had to unlearn a lot to evolve and better myself emotionally. Not many others have done that... My dad stays distant bc he is too busy to know me as a person; an individual. I don't "function" like a normal daughter. I want to work and earn my own living so I can live on my own... I want to learn how to take care of myself and ask for the proper amount of help. 

You think you asked for help, but everyone has a limit. 3 days... 3 weeks.... 3 years.... How much is too much time to take up during someone else's life? 

In order to stay safe and be seen... How do I relay that to loved ones? 

With Crickets, I was constantly on edge bc he was constantly anxious. He was rarely calm. He was a nervous wreck when my uncle came to visit and I wander of he knew he was a POS in my uncle's eyes? I wonder if he knew he wasn't cutting it with me? The story he told to "show off" was inappropriate... Not x rated, but it wasn't his trauma to exploit... It was despicable... He also told it badly. Lol. 

...

I just signed a lease for another place... I am so stoked... I'll be getting a small hallway and a hall closet and my own bathroom, and NOT at the top of my budget, either... So maybe I can finally save money and do more stuff that I want to do. 

And at least one roommate is also AuDHD, so she was a lot easier to talk with. And she knows how to function in a healthy, non-cult community... And she's nerdy. And there's a doggo for some unconditional cuddles... 

Perks galore. 

Snow.